10
A hot, dry chamsin blew in and brought nothing good. The air was stuffy and I felt the taste of dust on my skin and lips. Ori had asked me to drive him to a meeting point in the Negev. We would take his car and I could bring it back to Tel Aviv and use it for the next three weeks. Or drive out to Sinai for a nice trip. He presented these options like a salesman laying out his goods, although I’d said yes right away. He sounded so exhausted and depressed that I didn’t have a choice.
He was waiting for me in front of his house, wearing a khaki military uniform, a machine gun slung over his shoulder. Seeing him made me sick. My thoughts immediately turned to Farid, who hadn’t come back either. Suddenly I remembered what he had looked like: a gangly boy with a gap between his front teeth. I saw him descending the stairs, wearing my father’s jacket, which was way too big for him. A tote bag over his shoulder. I was sure I’d never see Ori again. Israel had me.
“I won’t let you go,” I said.
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“No.”
Ori laughed insecurely.
“I won’t drive you,” I said coldly.
“Fine by me. I’ll just take the bus.”
I felt that I had it in me to kill him and that I’d rather do it myself than wait for the news of his death to reach me.
“I don’t want you to go!” I yelled at him. Two Thai girls shot us a puzzled look.
“I have to.”
“You don’t have to do shit!”
He shook his head and gently touched my shoulder. I whimpered, asked him not to go. He ran a hand through my hair. I yelled at him, called him Elias. Elias, Elias, Elias. He looked at me, perfectly calm. My fists hammered his shoulders and he stifled my cries by pulling me close to his chest. He held me tight. I gasped for air, but none came. My tongue swelled and my throat constricted, and no air came. And when I shivered and ran out of breath and begged him not to go, he tried to calm me down, but no air came. Ori carried me into his apartment, the machine gun bobbing against his back. Gently he put me down on the sofa, covered my shoulders with a blanket, stroked my back, along the spine down to the tailbone. Once I’d recovered a bit, we drank coffee and smoked pot. In the evening he left to join his unit.