As for Kelsi, Mindy, Cody, Logan, Sam, and I, we’d become even closer. A freshman named Amber had joined our group a few months earlier; her dad had died when she was five. And Jennica, who had broken up with Brian in January, sometimes came too. The group had decided that it would be okay, from time to time, if kids whose parents were getting divorced joined us.
Today my family met at the cemetery, just after the sun had gone down. The last remnants of the sunset—a few streaks of orange and fuchsia across a deep indigo sky—hung above us, lighting our way. I had a car now, an old Toyota, and I had driven Tanner and Logan. Mom came straight from work, trading her high heels for sneakers in the parking lot.
I came here more often now to ponder things. In fact, I’d come here just last week when I needed to think about a big college decision. I had asked Dad’s advice. And in the silence, with the sunshine dappling through the trees around us and the wind stirring the leaves on the ground ever so slightly, I think I’d gotten it.
We gathered around his headstone and I swallowed hard. Two years ago. It was hard to imagine that it had been two whole years since my dad had smiled at me or hugged me or said my name.
My mom laid down a bouquet of roses and murmured something under her breath. They weren’t words for us. They were for Dad. Tanner told a few jokes. He came to Dad’s grave with me sometimes, and he told a few each time. And, he’d told me, he was pretty sure that Dad could hear his jokes wherever he was and was proud of him. I’d had to blink several times to stop myself from crying when he said that.
“I miss you, Dad,” Logan said in a deep voice that was growing deeper by the day. He bent down on one knee and closed his eyes, and when he stood, there was a tear running down his cheek. He didn’t bother to wipe it away.
I took a deep breath. “I have some news,” I said. “I got a letter from Boston University yesterday.” I paused and grinned. “I got in. I got accepted. And I think there’s a pretty good chance I’ll get that scholarship.”
I had applied for a scholarship for children whose parents had died, sponsored by Kate’s Club in Atlanta—the club that had inspired our group. Every year, the founder, Kate Atwood, chose a few kids to send through college. You just had to write an essay about how your life had changed since your parent’s death and what your plans were for the future. I had sat down to write an essay. Instead, I wrote twenty-two chapters. I couldn’t stop writing. And Ms. Atwood had called to say that my story had moved her to tears, and she thought that with some editing, it could maybe even be turned into a book.
Mom was the first to hug me. “I’m so proud of you. And I know Daddy would be too.”
I hugged her back and imagined Dad’s arms also wrapped around me. I imagined what his face would look like, so full of pride and joy for me. And for a moment, I felt like he was there with us.
I’d wanted to tell my family first, but I could hardly wait to tell Sam later tonight. He’d been accepted at Northeastern. I knew we were young, and who knew what would happen in the future? But at least this meant we were going to be in the same city and we wouldn’t have to deal with the whole long-distance thing. If we were meant to work out, we would.
Logan cleared his throat. “Well, I haven’t heard back yet, but I applied to Suffolk,” he said, naming a small university in the center of Boston. He’d taken a year off after graduation. “And I think my grades and SAT scores will get me in. So I guess we’ll both be in the city.”
Logan and I hugged. He drove me crazy sometimes, but we’d become a lot closer in the past year, and I couldn’t imagine being far away from him. Plus, he’d probably need to hit me up for rides home to visit Mom.
Tanner was grinning. “This is perfect!” he announced. “There’s a comedy club in Boston that me and Sarah read about. And on Monday nights, they have amateur night for comics under eighteen. We’re gonna work on our act. We should be ready by next fall. And you guys can come watch us and bring all your friends!”
I grinned back at my little brother. “You bet! You’re going to have the biggest BU cheering section any comedian has ever had.”
“Not to mention the biggest Suffolk cheering section,” Logan added.
“And probably the biggest Northeastern cheering section too,” I said, thinking of Sam. “Actually, it just sounds like you’re going to have the biggest cheering section ever.”
Tanner smiled from ear to ear. “Cool,” he said.
Mom was looking at all of us, her eyes glistening. “Dad would be really proud of you,” she said. “All of you.”
As we walked away from Dad’s grave that night, Mom held hands with my brothers, and I held Tanner’s right hand, my own right hand outstretched. I was reaching for Dad. I knew he was right there with us, as much a part of our family as he had ever been. Just because we couldn’t see him didn’t mean he wasn’t there.