"Oh my God, did you guys send strippers?" I ask in response to the knock on the door. Bailey organized my bachelorette party in a hotel suite at one of the hotels near the lake house, but I have no idea what they're up to.
"I don't know," Bailey says brightly. "We'll have to see!"
"Trust me, sweetie," Libby says, putting her hand on my leg and patting it. "The last thing I want to look at is greased-up and spray tanned men shaking their hot dogs in front of my face."
"Gross." The thought of a hot dog makes me want to vomit.
"You're telling me," Libby says.
My girlfriends, buzzed on margaritas and fruity cocktails, answer the door, squealing loudly for the woman who walks inside armed with giant tote bags. “She’s not a stripper,” Bailey yells.
Several of my bridesmaids boo loudly.
"I thought there would be strippers," Janet says.
"I have something better," the woman says, holding up a dildo. "Sex toys."
"Oh, I love sex toy parties," my friend Amanda squeals. "Mama needs a new vibrator."
"I've never been to a sex toy party," I say, feeling practically virginal as the girls grab seats in a circle around the woman who introduces herself and passes out catalogs.
"You've never been to a sex toy party?" Libby asks. "That's appalling. Really. You'd better stock up for your honeymoon, girl."
Soon, the room is filled with giggling as the woman who introduces herself as "Linda, the Sex Toy Goddess." Before I know it, I'm laughing along as we play a game she calls Fake An Orgasm Bingo, which is like regular kind except instead of numbers the board is filled with words like anal beads, dildo, handcuffs, butt plugs, and lube, and instead of yelling the traditional phrase, the winner has to fake an orgasm.
When Libby whoops loudly, her hand in the air, waving, Linda the Sex Goddess stops her. "We need to hear your best orgasm!"
Libby clears her throat and gives us all a look that says she's delighted to be the center of attention, before closing her eyes and faking the longest, most ridiculous over-the-top porn star orgasm I've ever heard in my life. When she finishes, the group bursts into applause before another wave of giggles overtakes us.
"Damn," April mutters under her breath. "I think I might have a girl crush.”
"Libby is a lucky girl!" Janet calls out.
We play three more rounds before Linda The Sex Toy Goddess thinks we're sufficiently warmed up to move on to talking about the sex toys. For the next two hours, we pass around samples of every sex toy imaginable, including some I didn't even realize existed.
"Is this what I think it is?" I ask, holding a cylindrical object with what looks like a mouth in an "O" position on the end.
"That's in case you get sick of giving Caulter blow jobs," Bailey says loudly.
I furrow my brow, passing it to Andrea, sitting beside me.
"Yeah, that's not a problem," I say, picturing him standing in front of me, the head of his cock against my tongue, my hand wrapped around the base of his huge dick.
Get sick of having Caulter's cock in my mouth? I don’t think so.
Several of the girls whoop. "Caulter must have a big one," Janet says.
"I don't like them big," April muses, and one of my other bridesmaids elbows her.
"What's wrong with you?" Andrea asks.
"I don't! It's like that saying, it's not the size that counts? Right?"
"That's just what you say to guys with small dicks," Hailey chimes in.
"No, I swear, I'm perfectly happy with a small one," April says.
"You should hook up with my ex-boyfriend Greg, then," Hailey says. "He's definitely about the right size. I'll give you his number."
"Ladies," Linda The Sex Toy Goddess interrupts. "The next set of toys I'll pass around are for anal play."
"Anal play," April says, her face turning bright red. "Nothing's going up my butt, thanks."
"I love it in the ass," Andrea says. "Seriously, if you haven't done it, you don't know what you're missing."
"She's right," Janet says as she scrutinizes a pink butt plug like it’s a diamond. "It makes everything more intense."
“I like it,” I say softly.
“Then you need to buy these,” Andrea says, tossing a vibrating butt plug at me with one hand, while she waves a cocktail glass in the other.
“But you’re pregnant!” April says, her face ashen.
“So?” Janet says. “I did it all the time during the third trimester during my last pregnancy. Jason said it was better for the baby."
"Better for the baby?" Bailey says, snorting loudly. "Yeah, I think Jason just wanted to stick his dick in your ass."
"No, I swear it is!" Janet insists. "Because you're not poking around the cervix."
"Pfft," Bailey spits out her drink. "I'm pretty sure regular sex is fine during pregnancy too."
“She’s right about the cervix thing, though. At least, that’s what Caulter claims, too,” I say, laughing.
“I’ll take one of those butt plugs,” Libby says, winking at Bailey.
"I'm so getting lucky tonight," Bailey says, laughing. Then she looks at me. "What’s Caulter doing for his bachelor party?"