Oh, that did not just happen.
"Shit," Joe curses under his breath, putting his hand on Caulter's chest to keep Caulter from running down the aisle to get rid of her. Joe jogs down the aisle and through the seats, scooping her up and over his shoulder and heading for the exit.
She drunkenly shouts obscenities as Joe carries her out of the tent, and I speak to Caulter through gritted teeth. "I can't believe that girl came to my wedding."
"Success!" Jake's handler yells loudly, holding up the monkey in the middle of all the chaos in the tent. The wedding guests erupt in thunderous applause.
Until the handler says, "You have the rings, don't you?"
"They were in a little pouch on the monkey," Caulter says. I'm sure they're in the pouch."
The handler walks toward us with the monkey…and an empty pouch in his hand. "So, don't freak, but he has been known to eat objects."
"Don't freak?" I ask, my voice shrill.
Then I feel a gush between my legs.
I clap my hand over my mouth, squeezing my legs together as I look at Libby with wide eyes. I gesture frantically for her, and when she comes close, I hiss in her ear. "I think I just peed myself."
"Right here?" she squeals.
"Yes, right here," I say, annoyed. "I'm standing here with my legs crossed."
"Okay, we'll just walk out of here. It's not like this wedding ceremony hasn't already shit the bed."
"Libby!"
"Sorry."
We start to move, and it happens again, fluid gushing between my legs. So I stop, pressing my legs closed, but it's barely helping. "I think I might have lost bladder control!"
Caulter rushes to my side, so now I'm being escorted out of my own wedding by my maid of honor and the groom. Except that it's not stopping. Every time I take a step, fluid pours out from between my legs.
Ella speed-walks toward us, announcing to the guests as she walks, "We'll take a ten-minute break while we regroup." When she reaches us, she stops short. "What's wrong? Why aren't you moving?"
I feel my face flush hot and know it must be bright red. "I think I peed myself," I whisper. "But now I can't seem to stop peeing."
Ella's hand flies to her mouth as she leans in close to me. "If you can't stop, that's not pee, Kate," she says.
"No, it's pee," I say. "I peed myself at my own wedding."
"Take a step."
I do, and it happens again. "I'm going to have to waddle out of here," I say. "It's humiliating."
"That's not pee," Ella says. "That's your water breaking."
"But I'm not due yet!" I shriek, louder than I intend to. Several guests turn their heads, suddenly interested in what we're talking about in our huddle.
"You're five weeks early," Ella says. "We need to get you to the hospital right away."
"Serious, Kate," Libby says. "It's not good. That's premature. We should hurry."
I walk and pee – no, not pee, what's the verb for leak my water? – down the rest of the aisle, my heart racing. Surely Ella isn't right. I'll get in the house and find that I just wet myself and this will be the story I tell my kid when she's an adult – that she pushed on my bladder so hard I peed myself in the middle of my wedding.
We reach the outside, and I yell as I shiver in my wedding dress in the middle of a snowstorm. "It's coming out every time I move!"
Oh my God, what if my water really is breaking?
The reality of the situation is finally beginning to set in.
"I can't hold this much pee," I say. "It's not humanly possible, right? Shit. I'm having a baby? We can't drive in the snow! The roads are a mess. It's been all over the news!"
Caulter stands in front of me and takes my hands. "It's okay," he says. "The guests came in sleighs. We can take a sleigh."
"What if the baby gets jostled out on the sleigh ride?" I yell, fully aware that I'm beginning to approach a level of hysteria. "Sleighs are bumpy! We might as well take a dog sled and just let the baby fall out while I'm hanging on to the back of it!"
"Well, at least your sarcasm is still intact," Caulter says, shrugging out of his tuxedo jacket and putting it over my shoulders.
"I'll grab you a bag," Libby says. "I'll get all of your stuff. Do you know where the hospital is?"
A fresh wave of panic washes over me. Where is the closest hospital?
We're on our way toward the sleighs, when my father, Rose, and Bailey rush up behind us, stopping us in our tracks.
"What's going on?" my father asks. "Are you okay?"
"She's having the baby," Libby blurts.
"You're not due yet," Rose says.
"I know!" I yell. "I'm not sure I'm having it. I might be…uh…peeing on myself."
"You are not peeing on yourself," Libby says, "Unless you're a camel holding gallons of pee."
"I texted our doctor," Caulter says. "He's going to call back. We'll fly him up here to deliver the baby."
"Doctors do that?" Bailey asks.
"Our obstetrician is not going to just fly out here," I say, my voice rising. "And the airports are probably closed."