“But after a while of being there? I thought maybe…” He shook his head as if he were shaking off the thought. “Thought maybe I could finally be okay. That maybe it wasn’t going to hurt forever.” A tear slid down his face, and his teeth ground in anger. “But when I got out…it was hard…so fucking hard, knowing all I had to do was make a call and I could get lost in it again. And it started to hurt. Started to hurt so bad I couldn’t take it anymore, and I knew that the pain was never gonna go away. I’m sorry, Baz. I’m so sorry.”
I knew he wasn’t talking about the pain of withdrawal, but the pain that’d haunted him since the day he’d lost it all. The day we’d lost it all.
He drew in a shaky breath. “So I dug out a number I knew Mark had stashed in a locked cubby in the bus…one of Jennings’s guys. I texted for some oxies. But it was Martin who showed up. Delivered them to me. I thought it was weird, but he seemed cool enough.” He shrugged like it didn’t matter. “I swallowed three and that’s all I remember.”
Anger blistered hot across my skin, but I reined it in, gripped the side of my brother’s neck. “It’s not gonna hurt forever, Austin. I promise you. I’ll find someone to help you…someone who’ll help you see you don’t have to carry around this guilt.” I squeezed tighter. “I promise you…if it’s the last thing I do.”
Remorse lifted his eyes to meet mine.
Grey.
Sad.
Scared.
Shame leeched into his tone. “That’s what I don’t get, Baz. Why would you do that? Why would you give up everything for a stupid mistake I made? Since day one, all of this has been my fault.”
He was wrong.
It was mine.
“I’d give up everything because I love you, Austin. Because you’re good and you deserve a good life. You gotta get that.”
“And what about you?”
Soft, unsatisfied laughter pushed between my pursed lips, and I waved my hand around his room. “Have everything I need, Austin.”
But somehow it was no longer enough.
He shook his head. “What about that chick back in Savannah?”
Shea.
Shea.
Shea.
My chest tightened painfully.
“Don’t tell me you didn’t dig that,” he continued, a sly smile working its way onto his mouth, before that smile turned knowing. “I saw you, Baz…I saw that you were happy. You liked her.”
Yeah. I fucking did.
I forced a smile. “Believe me, she’s better off without me.”
Energy vibrated, and that feeling came over me that I’d thrived on for so many years, like a compulsion that drew me forward, swallowing me whole.
Zee stepped out ahead of us, sticks in one hand lifted over his head.
Shouting.
Screams.
That energy flared.
Ash and Lyrik strode out ahead, and I trailed behind them as screams escalated to a riot, the surge of the crowd as they pushed forward to get closer to the stage. Blinding lights shone from above, jutting through the dark, dusky haze that lifted in swells of smoke from the stage floor. Spotlights and colored strobes burst against my eyes, and I grabbed my guitar from the stand, slid the strap over my head.
“How’s it going tonight?” I asked into the mic as I played a single chord. More screams. “Heard some of you might’ve been worried we dipped out on you all.” I let a smirk take hold of my face as I wove into the introduction of our first song. “Not going anywhere.”
A furor rippled through the rowdy crowd, and the guys and I drove into our first song. That song flowed into the second, the aggressive strains of our music causing me to feel like I’d been welcomed home, like I’d been lifted to a different plane. Like I became someone else when I poured all I had into my songs. Gave it all to those who ate it up. That energy alive as the crowd went completely wild at the foot of the stage.
Heavy heat permeated the dank music theater.
It should have been suffocating.
But it was always on stage where I could breathe.
On stage where I belonged.
On stage where I was free.
Without the heavy burdens of this life.
But tonight thoughts of Shea and my baby brother had followed me here, and all of that got mixed up in this. It made me feel off-balance.
Lost in this disorganized contentment.
Pulses of energy crashed into my body on a steady stream of waves.
Adrenaline pitched through my veins, feeding the fans, in turn them feeding me.
I dove into the guitar riff with all the pent-up frustration locked deep inside.
Closer to the mic. Belted out the lyrics.