“You’re a fool if you think that’s who I really am.”
“And you’re a coward because you refuse to risk allowing that man I see underneath it all to become who you are. A coward because you can’t risk being with a woman who has a kid. A coward because you reject the idea of me loving you…the idea of you loving me…just because you haven’t experienced that in your life before.”
His face screwed up in disbelief. “You think I’m a coward because I can’t be with you? That every fucking second I’m not thinking about you? Wishing things were different so maybe I could have a little bit more time? Something good in my life when I’ve got so much bad? Do you really think I want this life for you, Shea? That I could stand to drag you and Kallie into it?”
I watched the slow roll of his thick neck as he swallowed hard. “Do you have any idea what it’s like? Being in the public eye every day of your life? The traveling? The women who throw themselves at me? The shit I see…the shit that I’m a part of?”
Every bit of it I understood.
“You don’t have to be with any of those women or be a part of any of that shit. It’s a choice, Sebastian.” Leaning forward, I touched my chest, emphasizing each word. “Be. With. Me.”
Pain struck across his expression. “You just don’t get it.”
“So you’re trying to protect me because I’m too stupid and narrow-minded and hick to understand your life?”
“I’m trying to protect you because I don’t trust myself with you.”
Hurt wove into my tone, just as heavily as it wove with my spirit. “Why didn’t you just tell me?”
“Why do you think I didn’t tell you? For a million reasons. Because I didn’t want you to look at me the way all those other girls look at me…the way that stupid bitch did tonight. I wanted you to see me. Inside me. But the hard truth is that me is the same guy I don’t want you to know. I told you I was no good. There’s so much bad about me and I wish I could erase it all. Be someone different. But I’m not. And just for a little while I wanted to pretend I could be something I’m not.”
“You wanted to pretend. With me?” The words broke. “That’s all this was? Pretend? Because to me? It was real. I’ve never felt anything so real.” My tone hardened. “And you’re a liar if you say you don’t feel it, too.”
An ugly sound scraped up his throat. “It doesn’t matter if it’s real, or pretend, or a straight-up lie, it all ends the same. I go back to California tomorrow and I won’t be coming back.”
Right.
Okay.
I gathered myself, trying not to fall to pieces in front of him. I’d have plenty of time for that later.
I felt as if Sebastian had slapped me across the face. How ironic this blow hurt a million times worse than that jerk-of-a-kid who’d pushed me to the floor. Sebastian had been so inclined to save me then, yet he had no remorse in crushing me now.
With my head down, I crept around him, the heels of my boots much too loud against the wood, the hurt taking hold of me too much to bear.
I ducked under the end of the bar and grabbed my purse where it was stowed on one of the bottom shelves, and tried to keep it together when I slunk back out. My eyes glanced across that striking face, all hard lines and curves and scars, averting just as quickly to my feet. “Take me home,” I said through a pained whisper.
He strode across the huge room, eating up the floor like he couldn’t wait to escape, didn’t pause when he passed me by and headed down the dingy hallway.
Wearily, I glanced back at our booth, at the shards of glass scattered across the floor, at the table where he’d stolen another piece of me.
I’d clean up our mess tomorrow.
He said nothing as I followed him down the hall. Quickly, I locked the back door and got into his car.
Tonight was nothing like the night when he’d rescued me.
That night? My choice had been made.