It would be so easy right now to just give in to the Connection I have with Kellan. Just . . . embrace the love I feel for him and see what we would be like together. But the more I’ve thought about it over the last few days, and despite the temptation it truly taunts me with, the more I know it wouldn’t be right. Because, even if Kellan and I were together, I’d be thinking about Jonah. Worrying about him. Loving him. Wanting him. Needing him.
And as mercenary as it sounds, that’s the key. I love them both, but I need—want—Jonah in my life more.
As much as it terrifies me, I know it’s time Kellan and I finally have a talk.
Kellan murmurs, “You fixed your hair,” but he’s not looking at me. He’s staring out at the gorgeous vista in front of us, a magnificent city skyline blending into a pink and orange sherbet horizon.
I slide my legs in between the railing and sit down, leaving a good two feet in between us. I’m dangling next to him on the thin, bronze strip separating empty space and the top of the Dane’s apartment building, wondering how in the hell I got to this place. How it all came to this.
How I can even make it through the next five minutes, let alone day, week, month, or the rest of my life.
I lean my arms against the ornate railing and drop my chin on them. “It almost feels like we’re floating up here.”
He doesn’t say anything, just keeps staring out at the beauty in front of us. Karnach at sunset is one of the worlds’ most awe-inspiring sights—the quartz in the marble glints and flashes golden and pink in the blazing light, making it glow.
I want to scoot closer, revel in the comfort and warmth of his perfect body against mine. But falling into old habits does neither of us any good. “Kellan . . .”
“You don’t need to tell me,” he says quietly. “I already feel it in you.” He finally turns to face me. “I felt it the very moment I saw you after you got back from Alaska. Gods. The overwhelming love that consumed you the moment you saw my brother—it was like a tsunami.” He sighs into the void below us. “You’ve always gone back to him, you know. No matter what you’ve ever felt for me, no matter what we’ve done, it’s always been Jonah for you.” His bitter laugh is barely voiced. “I guess I always hoped that somehow, someway . . . maybe it would change. I even thought . . . when we were in Hawaii, it had changed. If anything, what you feel for him has only intensified, even though you fear you’ve lost him for good.”
I bite my lip and study him. He looks so tired, so . . . resigned. So heartbroken that my own heart crumbles right along with his.
“I love you,” I tell him, letting him feel the truth of how that love permeates every cell in my body. “That will never change.”
A sad, quiet sigh escapes his beautiful lips. “Just not enough.”
I don’t know if I can do this. How I can even contemplate hurting him—hurting me—like this. But all night, all day, all I could think of was how this was better than dragging along the pain until it defined us, tainted everything we feel for one another. I’ll never be able to let go of him. Fate won’t let me. But I can choose right now to do everything I can to begin the long road home toward hope. “Kellan. You know that’s not true. I tore apart my life because I love you so much.” I close my eyes and mentally curse myself. “That came out wrong. You certainly had nothing to do with my actions this year. I and I alone chose to do what I did. What I meant was, my feelings for you are so strong, so . . . powerful, that I found myself doubting all the decisions I’d made for myself—at least, the ones concerning this.” I press my fist against my heart.
His forehead drops against the railing, his eyes drifting toward the people filling the streets below—people going about their daily lives, blissfully unaware that above them two people are breaking their hearts apart.
“I wish I could be the girl you deserve,” I tell him as those pieces surge up into my throat, threatening to strangle me. “Gods, I wish that so very much, because you are . . .” I nearly choke as I say this, desperate to keep myself from shattering. How does a person let go of a future with somebody critical to his or her existence? How do they survive? “You are one of most important people to me in all the worlds. I am so blessed that I have gotten to know you, love you . . . be loved by you . . . It’s a gift. One of the best gifts I could ever receive.”
He lets out a shuddery breath; my own collapses inside me.
I lean my head against the railing and watch him, silent tremors wracking my body. So much of me is screaming that I’m making a mistake, that I should tell him I was wrong, to forgive me, hold me. Kiss me. Make love to me. I’m terrified of losing him, beyond scared of what giving him up like this might mean to the both of us. But I can’t let Fate dictate this moment. I can’t let this Connection between us be what defines our relationship.
He deserves better. So very much better.
The lovely half smile of his that I love appears after I doubt myself for the ninetieth time in less than five minutes, even if just slightly. “You and I never would’ve worked in the long run, you know. We’re too alike.”