I go to argue, but Karl tells us we have five minutes. When Kellan stalks out of the plane, I turn to Will and ask quietly, so none of the other team can hear me as they discuss what they’ve just seen, “You okay?”
Exasperation sighs out of him. “Don’t baby me, Chloe. I don’t need you fighting my battles for me. I can do nicely all on my own. Didn’t you see me up there? I’m quite the badass with a sword.”
That’s the problem, though. I saw too much. I saw Will, cut up and hurting, wielding that sword like it was his own arm, and it scares me, knowing this daredevil is willing to go out and fight with me simply because he loves me. So I give him a winning smile. “Fat chance of getting me to stop.”
He rolls his eyes, but I know it pleases him.
Outside of the plane, Kellan’s hands are in his hair as he stares into the foggy distance. My heart aches, because I’ve thrown so much at him in the last couple of days. I reappear after bailing for half a year, I break down when his brother dumps me, and then I inform him that I’d nearly died while fighting the Elders.
If the situation was reversed, I’d be worse than a wreck. But Kellan—his voice is low and level when he asks, “Are you out of your mind?”
I come over to stand near him. The impulse to touch him, hold him is so strong that I force my fingers to curl into fists that I stuff under my arms. “I’m finally thinking quite clearly, thank you very much.”
His eyes close for a brief moment before finding me. He knows my words carry multiple meanings. “Those things nearly killed you.”
I can’t sugarcoat it—not to him, not anymore. “That’s true. But they didn’t. And I’m hoping today, if you’re going to be on the team—”
“Like I’m going to leave you here on your own,” he mutters. “Did you lose your mind on your walkabout, too? Oh, wait. Are we now calling it a ‘secret Guard sanctioned mission’?”
I hide my smile, even though he sounds so bitter. Also, now’s not the time for us to wade into all that mess. “What I was saying was, I’m hoping my chances at survival are even better today, now that you’re here with me.”
His head tilts to the side as he studies me. “And yet, you don’t want me here.”
I’m honest. “I don’t relish the idea of you getting hurt, no.”
A small exhale of a laugh lifts into the misty sky above us. “There’s no way to convince you to not do this, is there?”
I shake my head slowly.
“Well, then, obviously I’m coming.” He stuffs his hands into his coat’s pockets. “If Jonah—”
I . . . I just can’t. “Don’t,” I whisper. I blink back the sting threatening my eyes. “I need to focus today. It’s going to be hard enough with you there. Just . . . he . . .” I swallow and turn my head away.
Gods. Right now it would be so easy to just let Kellan hold me like he wants. Like I want. But Kellan has made it quite clear to me over the years that if anything’s going to happen between us, it’s going to be because I choose him. Choose us.
And I haven’t.
And I won’t, as incredibly tempting as it is. And I can see it in his eyes right now—he wants me to, almost desperately so. As much as it kills me to have to deny him this, it slays me even more so, because all of that love I have for him is still just as potent as before.
Late last night, in sheer despair, I actually considered calling him and begging him to give me—us—the chance we’d always been denied. Knowing Jonah doesn’t want me anymore . . . it’s crushing. Will keeps saying it’s not the case, that Jonah’s reacting to what I did and rightfully so, but part of me wondered if he was right, that this was my chance to finally see what things would be like with Kellan. I love him, after all. I cheated on Jonah with him several times, thereby destroying the integrity of the relationship I had. My feelings toward him—and his brother—tore me apart. Part of me wants to see where this will go. Part of me wants it so badly that I nearly threw out all of my resolutions and resolves away.
I won’t lie to myself. I’ll always want this with him. I’ll always want him.
But then my heart reminded me of its truth. There’s love for Kellan, yes—boundless, everlasting love of the very best kind. But the truth of the matter is, it needs Jonah more. And I need to do whatever I can to fix that, even if it means giving him the space he needs until another chance for me to make amends rolls around.
Somebody from inside the plane calls for us. Kellan’s head tilts down toward mine. “Are you sure about this, C?”
I’m not sure which sure he’s referring to. Either way, I tell him, my voice soft in the mist, “Yes.”
And then we go back into the plane.
The turbulence as we head north, following the Ob river, is brutal. Kellan is kind enough to make us all less air-sick, but my teeth rattle in my head with every bump met of this metal bird we fly in. As always, Will remains unflappable, even dozing for a few minutes before a particularly strong jolt wakes him up.