So much of me wants to ramble on right now, justify what I did and why, but fear smothers me in its grip. I was going to lose the Dane boys anyway once I ran again, but this might be worse. They might willingly choose to kick me out of their lives—especially Will, whose trust has been broken too many times to count, too.
He ends up chugging his beer before staring at the ceiling. Then he gets up, paces the room a few times, all the while looking lost and pissed at the same time while I remain statue still on the recliner.
Cameron says quietly, “What is your real name, hen?”
I tell him the truth. Will snorts a laugh from across the room; it’s small, barely a breath, but it’s a laugh all the same.
“Obviously, you’re not a runaway spy like I thought at first,” he says. “Your hiding skills are shite. Your name is Chloe Lilywhite, and you chose Zoe White?”
If only it was as simple as me being an ex-spy.
“Chloe is a beautiful name,” Cameron says. “It suits you better.”
Will takes a few steps closer. “Promise me your ex wasn’t abusive.”
Cameron’s eyebrows shoot up and then down. Both pairs of dark eyes pin me further into the recliner.
I don’t hesitate. “He’s . . .” Swallow. Breathe. Swallow. Breathe. “He’s the best person I know. The very best. He would never hurt me. Ever.” Not like I hurt him, anyway.
“If he was all those things, why would you cheat? Why would you do that to him?” Will looms over me, his arms crossed, his back rigid.
Any explanation but the truth is only going to make me sound awful, but how can I explain a Connection without spilling the entire mess? I chew on my lip and stare at my hands, laced tightly in my lap. “It’s complicated.”
“Bollocks.”
Cameron counters with, “Son, let her explain before you pass judgments.”
“When somebody cheats, they do it purposely,” Will continues heatedly, as if his father hadn’t spoken. He glares down, and it hurts so much to see the distrust in his eyes. But I deserve it. I did something awful. Unforgiveable. “It’s not like your lips accidentally fell onto someone else’s.”
I blink back the sadness threatening to spill over my lash line.
“Son.” Cameron stands up, his large hand going straight to his son’s shoulder. “Chloe did not cheat on you. She is not Becca.” His fingers curl gently around the base of Will’s neck. “We do not know what drove her to do what she did. Don’t go getting furious with her for something that has nothing to do with you.”
Will closes his eyes and nods. “I know. I’m . . . I’m a prat. I’m sorry, Zo—Chloe. It’s just—”
“It’s an unforgiveable thing.” I clear my throat; and then, because it’s hard to hold it in any longer, tears snake down my face. “I get why you’re mad at me.”
“Yeah. No—” He gives me a sad smile. “Not unforgiveable. At least, not to me.” He squats down in front of me. “I’m . . . I’m not going to lie to you. To hear that you’ve done this stuff, yeah, I’m disappointed—because you know how I feel about cheating, how it tore me apart.”
A heavy stone slowly sinks to the pit of my stomach.
“I personally can’t ever see a time in which this is acceptable, but I also haven’t walked in your shoes. You can tell me to bugger off, that it’s none of my business. But I’m calling bollocks on your excuse.” His smile grows a fraction of an inch. “Family doesn’t let you get away with that kind of crap excuse.”
Cameron slaps Will’s shoulder blades and sits back onto the couch. “Hen, it does my heart good to know you trust us enough with the truth, as painful as it may be.” His smile starts strong but fades. “But Will’s right. If you’re going to be honest with us, be honest.”
My left hand’s felt wrong the entire time I’ve been in Alaska. The ring that I used to wear, the special Dwarven gold one that Jonah and I found that proved our Connection, is back in Annar in a hidden compartment in a jewelry box. I wonder if Jonah’s found it. If he’s gone through my apartment, if he’s thrown everything away. If he’s taken the matching ring off his finger.
I stare at the smooth bit of skin that no longer shows the absence of a ring. There’d been a pale line when I left, but I used makeup to hide it until it eventually faded away. And now, now that I’m staring at that spot and having Will call me out on everything, I can’t help the regret that threatens to pull me under.
“You’re right.” I hate that my voice shakes. “I knew what I was doing when I cheated. And I did it anyway.” My nails curve to dig into my palms in an effort to stave off extra tears. “It wasn’t—we didn’t have sex, if that’s what you’re thinking.” Which is a humiliating admission in front of a man you consider to be a father figure and another man who’s your best friend. And I don’t know if it was a lucky thing I didn’t have sex or not, but there are times I wish so badly I could have had just that one experience with Jonah to help carry me through the years.