We turn to find Will, sipping a cup of coffee. Jonah takes a step back from me and shoves his hands into his pockets. “Yeah,” I tell him. I clear my throat. “Are Cameron and Erik already up there?”
“I believe so. They wanted to bring in the Métis reps early to meet Zthane. They’re bullying me to join their merry little party, you know. Become official and whatnot.” He takes off his mirrored sunglasses and squints at us. “Everything okay? You two look like somebody died or something.”
I bark out a quiet laugh. “Just admitting more of my sins.”
Will’s eyebrow shoot up, the paper cup halfway to his lips.
“Chloe,” Jonah says, reaching out and grabbing my hand, “it’s water under the bridge. Don’t beat yourself up for this, not when we tried the same.”
I let him pull me closer. “Is it, though?”
Somehow when he tells me it is, I believe him.
Kellan’s deep in conversation with Karl and Giuliana, but the moment I cross the threshold of the doorway of the conference room, the tug between us flares to life. He must feel it, too, because he quickly apologizes to Giules for cutting her off, and then heads our way.
Will quickly dismisses himself to go over to where Cameron and Erik are talking with Zthane and Astrid. I don’t blame him for wanting to get the hell away from the complicated mess created by our Connections. And although somebody calls his name from across the room, Jonah stays by my side. My heart thumps hard with every step Kellan takes toward us. I don’t know how to do this. I still love him. I love them both. I don’t know how to—
“Hey,” he says casually, but there is a genuine gleam of concern reflecting back at me in the blue of his eyes. “Was worried you guys were going to spend the entire meeting downstairs or something.”
The oh-so-familiar prick of tears attacks me without notice. He’s trying so hard right now to act normal, like I haven’t basically cut out his heart and flaunted it in front of him. Like I’m not standing here with his brother after telling him that, despite our shared Connection, I need Jonah more.
Kellan sighs and takes a step closer to where we’re standing. “Chloe . . . don’t . . .” He sighs again. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”
He can’t promise me that. How can he? How can any of us ever think it’ll be okay? Because I’ve chosen, and I mean it, and yet . . . the tug between me and Kellan is just as strong, and I love him, and I love Jonah and—
Jonah’s name is called again; as he leans toward me, his hand goes to my lower back. “I’m going to leave you two to talk. Just remember, we’re all on the same page here, honey. No more secrets, remember?”
I nod and then he goes over to where several members of the Subcommittee are, huddled around an iPad.
The smile Kellan gives me doesn’t reach his eyes. “He’s right, you know.”
I want to collapse into the safety of his arms, but I hold back. Maybe some day we’ll be able to do that again, but right now is too soon for any of us involved. “How are you?”
He ducks his head to run his hand through his hair, the action eerily reminiscent of Jonah’s just ten minutes before. And then he leads me out into the empty hallway. “I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, C . . . but I need you to try your best not to focus on me in the coming weeks, starting right about now.”
I also need to try my best not to break down sobbing right now, too.
“I know it’s going to be hard. I know you’re freaking out right now, and you’re worried, and confused, and there’s all this toxic guilt building back up in you.” He holds a hand out, but I think it’s more for him than me. “The three of us are going to find a way to deal with this. It can’t be right now, because we’ve got to turn our focus on the Elders situation. But we will find a way to make all this work. For now, you’ve got to let me find a way that works for me to deal with everything that’s gone down, and I can’t do it when I’m worried about you worrying about me.”
Panic blooms in my chest, faster than before.
“I meant what I told you,” he says quietly. “I’m not going to abandon you. I won’t do that to my brother, either. You two . . . you’re the most important people in my life. You always will be. But right now, I need to take a step back and look at ways I can personally deal with this. And you two need to be focusing on how to repair everything that’s gone down between you in the last few years.”
I want to cry so bad right now. Just break down and ugly cry over the unfairness of it all.