There is a sadness around his eyes that makes my heart constrict. I take his hands in mine and ask the question that’s weighing heavy in my chest: “Are you really okay with all of this?”
He watches my finger moving over his. “I have to be, don’t I?”
I shake my head slowly.
“I do,” he murmurs. “If I want to keep you, and him, too.”
It’s unbearable to know that this is hurting him like it is. “You have me,” I insist. I put all my love for him behind these words. “You’ll always have me.”
“You know what I mean.” He won’t meet my eyes, though. “Will you do something for me, though?”
“Of course.”
“I know you’re Connected to him, and I can’t always be with you two when you interact. For one, it wouldn’t be fair if I were, because then it’d be like I was chaperoning you. And you two are adults who don’t need chaperoning. So I know I’m going to have to trust you both, and I know that sometimes it’s hard for you to think straight when he’s around, and vice versa—”
“Jonah—”
“But if you can, if it’s okay, I mean, if it’s me you want to be with—”
I can’t do this after all. I thought maybe I could, but I don’t know anymore. “It is, Jonah! We don’t have to do this.”
“No, Chloe. Let me finish. If it’s me, then, like I said, I’ve got to trust you two.” He brings my hand up and kisses it gently. “So, if it’s me you want to be with, please . . .” He sighs. “Please don’t break my heart.”
It’s funny, because I’m pretty sure mine just broke hearing him say that to me.
“I mean, I can tolerate some stuff. Hand holding . . . I think I can handle that. Hugging, too. Friends do that.” He’s so quiet I can barely hear him. “But, kissing . . . I’m sorry, I just don’t think . . . I mean, that’s selfish of me, but kissing is a hard one.”
What must it have cost him to say such things? Could I ever be so unselfish to agree to such behavior between him and Callie? No—I don’t think so. I may like her now, but even still, I don’t think I could ever handle seeing Jonah holding hands with somebody other than me. I fully recognize the ugliness coloring my insides. I don’t know how he does it.
There’s a knock on the door; Jonah lets go of my hands so he can answer it. Caleb encourages me to count to ten and take a deep breath, and I know these things ought to center me, but they don’t. There are just too many variables today, too many things to stress over. I stand up, search for something to say to welcome Kellan here, but it’s not him that enters the room. It’s Callie.
Two large shopping bags drop at her feet so she can root around in her purse. A small white bottle is extracted and held out to me. “Eye drops are helpful in these sorts of situation.”
Translation: I must look as crappy as I feel. I take the bottle and murmur an awkward thanks.
I try not to squirm under her critical gaze. It ought to be pointed out that she looks as amazing as always. “You probably haven’t eaten, either, have you?”
Why didn’t I bother to get dressed this morning? I’m still in one of Jonah’s t-shirts and flannel shorts. “Uh—”
She grabs the bags and then one of my arms. I’m steered toward my bedroom in the back; how she knows where it is boggles the mind. “Let’s get you dressed. Mom always tells me that, no matter what kind of morning you wake up to, one needs to get dressed and face it like it’s going to be the best day of your life. You can’t do that pretending you’re homeless.”
She did warn me she doesn’t censure herself much. She waits until my bedroom door is closed behind us before dumping out the contents of the bags. Clothes spill across my bed. “I brought you some things.” I must let my surprise show, because she prods in that husky voice of hers, “Remember? Shopping. It’s my thing. There was a sale at a boutique we passed on the way over here, and I couldn’t restrain myself.”
Before I can say anything, she holds up a bright yellow dress with turquoise needlework on the hem. “Perfect. I knew it’d work for you. Put it on. Yellow will make you feel better.”
I hesitate, even though it’s absolutely adorable. “Callie, I . . .”
“Look,” she says, shoving the dress at me. She’s much more subdued sober. “I know you could probably whip up a hundred of these without even taking a breath, but this is what I do. I like to shop for people. I shopped for you. Don’t do this whole, ‘I can’t accept it’ crap, because if I hadn’t wanted to do it, I wouldn’t have. I think you probably have enough of an understanding of my character by now to know that about me.”