She should tell him now, whisper it, because her chest hurt with the need to say the words of love she’d held back all these months. Despite the rocky start to their marriage, maybe they could make this work. The idea didn’t seem far-fetched anymore, and Violet cemented their emotional bond.
“I’m glad I wasn’t alone when it happened.” Her voice trembled. “I knew you’d take care of everything.” Tears filled her eyes. “I love you. I love you so much.”
There. She’d said it.
She didn’t know what she’d expected, but she hadn’t expected the color to drain from his face. “Never mind. I don’t know why I said that.” She twisted her head away from him, squeezing her eyes shut in humiliation. “It’s the anesthesia . . . I’m not myself right now. I don’t know why . . . I don’t know . . . I’m delirious.”
“Eva—”
“Derrick, it’s okay. I’m extremely emotional right now. I just had a baby, and I don’t feel like myself. You don’t have to say a word. I don’t know why I said such a thing. It’s okay. Really. It’s okay. I’m sorry.” She was babbling, and at the same time, she couldn’t look at him for fear of what she’d see in his eyes.
She didn’t want to hear him say this wasn’t part of the deal, or some such nonsense he was fond of throwing at her. He’d been up front and honest with her about what to expect. He promised to take care of her and pledged his fidelity. Why couldn’t it be enough? Why did she keep reaching for more than he could give?
“Are you saying you didn’t mean it?” he asked.
She’d always done her crying over him in private, but this time she couldn’t stop the tears from slipping beneath her lids.
“You said you love me.” He took her hand. She tried to pull away, but he tightened his grip.
“I didn’t mean it,” she said in a broken whisper.
“I don’t believe you.”
“Please. I can’t do this now. It’s too hard.” She opened her eyes and stared across at the closed curtains.
Derrick handed her a single tissue, which she used to wipe her nose. He still held on to her other hand. Sniffling, she lay there, wishing she could go back in time and stop the impulsive words from leaving her mouth.
“I’ve never told anyone,” she heard him say. She listened, noting the somber tone of his voice, as if he were about to say something of great importance. “I never told anyone that I love them.”
She turned her head slowly in his direction. “No one?”
He shook his head.
“Not even your mother?”
“No. Maybe I did when I was a kid, but I don’t remember. We never said those kinds of things to each other. We didn’t have that kind of relationship. She wasn’t a bad mother. She was just . . . distant, I guess is the right word. When she married Phineas, they hired a nanny to watch over me, which made her life easier.”
He swallowed, and she saw the difficulty it took to share his intimate feelings. She remained quiet so he could let it all out.
“I was a mistake. In a way, I messed everything up for her—at least for a while. Once I was born and my father’s wife found out, he had to choose. My mother never wanted to have a child, so I guess I should be glad she didn’t get rid of me.” He rubbed his thumb across the back of her hand. “Phineas was a good man. He never told me he loved me, either, but when I think about it, I know he did. He told me on more than one occasion how proud he was of me.”
“He trusted you, too. He left you everything.”
Derrick nodded. “Crazy, but true.” He looked down into her eyes. “I love you, Eva. It took a long time for me to figure it out because I didn’t want to need anyone. But I need you.” He brought her hand to his lips, and her eyes flooded with tears. “I hope you meant it when you said you love me.”
Her bottom lip quivered. “I did.” A tear glided out of the corner of her eye. “I was so afraid to tell you because I thought you didn’t care. When we were seeing each other, I wanted so much more, but you told me up front that you didn’t want a serious relationship.”