Samantha Adams: How did you find out?
Helen Richter: By his death. The news article in the Stanford Daily. Survived by wife Deborah, and three children, Cynthia, Charles, and Evan. Devoted wife, I should say. Or was that the obituary? In any case, a wife that was not me. Not that I would ever describe myself as devoted—that has the connotation of blind, adoring worship. That wasn’t what John felt for me. Or what I felt for John. No.
I didn’t know he had children, either. That had been one of the conditions for our marriage. No children. No discussion. No regrets.
Samantha Adams: Tell me more about your marriage.
Helen Richter: It was very short and very sweet. We had just six months together, barely made it out of the honeymoon stage. Then again, it was a commuter marriage. With me in Los Angeles, him in Palo Alto. I had my job, and he had his. I liked LA, he liked Northern California. And we liked each other. So we agreed, we would have a long-distance relationship. He came down twice a month for three or four days at a time.
Samantha Adams: You never came north, to visit him in Palo Alto?
Helen Richter: No, never. It didn’t come up, was never an issue. You have to keep in mind, we were both very busy. When you choose a medical career, you accept a lifestyle most people would find intolerable. The long working hours, mostly on your feet. The fatigue, both physical and emotional. I’m a pediatric oncologist at the UCLA Children’s Hospital. I see fifty to sixty children every week, all very sick. No month passes without at least one, usually more, of my young patients dying. At any given time, our department is running four or five drug trials that I need to stay on top of. And when I’m not actually at work, I’m reading the latest journal articles, and trying to catch up with my dictations, my own writing.
Samantha Adams: Didn’t you miss him when you weren’t together?
Helen Richter: Obviously. On some level. But what you don’t seem to get—what no one seems to get—is that I didn’t have much room in my life for more than John was willing or able to give me. Until I met him I expected to remain single, and very happily so. He didn’t fill a void; there was no emptiness in my life. I even felt uncomfortable at first, shoehorning him in. Yet I wanted it, wanted him. Surprised myself by the urgency of the wanting.
Samantha Adams: Whose idea was it to get married?
Helen Richter: John was the one who demanded marriage. I resisted—especially since no children would be involved. I saw little need to formalize the relationship. He was insistent, even told me that without marriage he didn’t feel our . . . liaison . . . could continue. We completed the paperwork and one Friday morning went down to the courthouse and did the deed.
Samantha Adams: Strange. I mean, why?
Helen Richter: Yes. He could have had an affair with me; I’d have been no wiser. I’m not the suspicious kind. The marriage certificate was important to him. The day of the ceremony, we went back to my condo and drank wine and sat on the sofa. Just sat, not touching. He asked me, “Do you feel any different?” I had to admit I didn’t, although I was certainly very happy, was deeply happy. John said he felt like a great weight had been lifted off his shoulders. “I feel so free,” he said. An odd thing to say, once you know the facts. Shouldering yet more responsibility, and complicating his life with more intrigue and lies. So free. What was he thinking?
Samantha Adams: After the wedding, what happened?
Helen Richter: Little changed. He moved some clothes and personal effects into my condo. We redid our wills. Otherwise, we carried on as before. We made no announcement. I informed my small circle of friends, and that was that. I don’t think most people at the medical center where I taught and where John was an adjunct knew. Although they might have realized we were attached in some way.
But all this is making our relationship sound . . . uncaring. Tepid. It wasn’t. I’m not good at talking about such things. I’m a very private person. Insular, even. So this is hard. I will say that what happened after the marriage was official took me by surprise. I hadn’t foreseen how much it would matter. I hadn’t anticipated the absolute happiness. And what could arguably be called passion. Yes, physical. Yet also more than that. Before, I knew what we had between us was good. I knew we had a reasonable shot at making each other happy. But I hadn’t anticipated bliss. I’d never before encountered ecstasy.
Samantha Adams: [long pause] Strong words.
Helen Richter: Yes. Still, inadequate for describing how I felt about John Taylor.
11
Excerpt from Transcript
Police interview with Deborah Taylor,
May 20, 2013
[Preliminary introductions, explanations of police processes and procedures, notification that the session would be videotaped]