Push

chapter Thirty-Three

David picked me up when I left work yesterday evening at seven. He took me out for a beer and some pub grub so we could talk about today’s little adventure. I suggested we go rock climbing or horseback riding or zip-lining, but he said that he had something all figured out and that he wanted it to be a surprise. When I asked him how he knows it’s something I’ve never done before, he told me that I needed to trust him and promised that it will definitely be a new experience for me. And so today, I am nearly jumping out of my skin. I’ve managed to talk my supervisor into letting me leave a few hours early, and I’m more excited than I’ve been in a very long time. I spend most of the day staring at the clock, willing it to move faster. When Matt asks me why I seem so out of sorts, I tell him that I got permission to cut out early, and David and I are spending the afternoon doing something crazy.
“What are you guys going to do?” he asks with more apprehension than curiosity.
“I’m not really sure,” I tell him. “I let David make all the plans, so the only thing I know is that it’s something I’ve never done before.”
“You let David make all the plans? Man, I hope you make it out alive,” he says without a trace of humor in his voice.
“Aww, come on. What kind of crazy do you think he’s gonna get me into?” It reminds me that Matt knows way more about David than I do. Should I even be having this conversation?
“I’m just saying, don’t be surprised if you end up on the back of a motorcycle, or rolling a joint in an airplane at ten thousand feet, or standing at a blackjack table in Vegas.” Oh. I hadn’t even thought of that kind of crazy as being an option.
“I heard that that’s the type of stuff David was doing before I showed up. So it’s true, huh?” I ask nervously.
“Kind of, yeah,” Matt says. He purses his lips and scrunches his face up in a wince. As if he thinks he might be saying too much.
“I know about what happened with Lucia,” I say. “His friend Saz told me about her and about how David went kind of ape shit afterwards.”
“Ape shit?” Matt says with a smile. “Yeah, I guess that’s about right. He was not acting like himself, that’s for sure. But then you came along and it mostly stopped.” Mostly. He said mostly.
“Oh. When I told him I wanted to do something crazy today, I wasn’t counting on ape shit crazy. Now I’m all freaked out,” I tell him. And I am.
“Emma, you already know he’s got it bad for you. And, despite his brief history of ape shit, he’s a good guy. I don’t think he’s going to put your life at risk or anything. I just think you may be in for more than you bargained for.”
“I’ve been in for more than I bargained for ever since I met the man, so, really, I shouldn’t be surprised by all this,” I say quietly. Part of me wants Matt to tell me more about David’s ape shit phase, but the rest of me is screaming for him to shut up.
He must hear my silent screams because he shrugs his shoulders and turns back to the drawing table.
* * *

I walk out of the office at precisely two to find David waiting by his double-parked car. He’s leaning against the hood with his arms crossed against his chest and his legs crossed at the ankles. He isn’t dressed for ape shit crazy. He is dressed like he always is. Jeans, a plaid button-down and a pair of chucks. I changed my own clothes in the ladies room before I came down. He told me to wear something casual, and actually, my outfit looks much like his—except I’m wearing a green hoodie instead of a button-down.
Even though David looks as sexy and amazing as ever, I feel nervous when I look at him. I wish I hadn’t talked to Matt about our adventure. I wish I wasn’t second-guessing David. I really do not want to end up in a jail cell or an airplane or in any of the other places that Matt mentioned. I hope David’s ape shit phase is over.
“Hey,” he says, stepping away from the car and wrapping his arms around me. “You look a little freaked out. Is everything all right?” Jesus. Really? Is my nervousness that f*cking obvious? Now I’m embarrassed. I feel my skin starting to color. He lets me go and holds me at arm’s length, keeping his hands on my shoulders and leaning his head into my face so that he can look straight into my eyes. Jesus H. Christ. He is burning a hole right through me.
“Everything’s fine,” I say. “I’m just excited, that’s all.”
“Really?” he says. “Emma, I’m not a f*cking idiot. And you do not look excited. I can see that something is up. What is it? What’s wrong?”
I crease my brow with trepidation. “You aren’t going to go ape shit crazy with me this afternoon, are you? I mean, we aren’t going to do something that could land me in a coffin or anything, right?” His face lightens immediately, and he lets a sharp exhale escape from his nose, as if he is laughing at me from the inside.
“Seriously? Did you just seriously ask me that? Do you think that I would put you in that kind of danger? Do you think that’s the kind of person I am?”
“Well, no, not really. But then I was talking to Matt today, and it just made me think that maybe I’ve missed something and that maybe you really are that kind of person.”
“Whoa,” he says, holding the palm of his hand flat out in front of me. “Hold on. What exactly did Matt tell you?”
“He told me the same thing Saz did,” I say, sounding and feeling much like a rebuked toddler. “That you went a little ape shit when things ended with Lucia, and now I’m having a hard time reconciling the fact that this David is the same person as that one. That’s all.” I am shaking a little because I am afraid that I have somehow offended him. That I have made him feel judged. “I like this David. And I don’t want you to go ape shit again.”
David wraps his arms around me and inhales long and deep. I feel his chest puff out, and his exhale brush against my scalp. “I am not going to go ape shit, Emma. I’m done needing to do all that. I have you.”
“Good,” I say, his words echoing in my ears. Now that my nervousness is squelched, the excitement is returning. “So, what are we doing, then?”
“You’ll see,” he says, letting me go and opening my car door.
Fifteen minutes later, we are on the other side of the city, parking his car. I’m looking around trying to figure out where he has brought me, but all I see are storefronts and restaurants. When David opens my door and I climb out, I look across the street and I know immediately what we are doing. I look back at him and shake my head softly.
“Is that where we’re going?” I say, pointing at the shop across the street.
“Yep,” he says with a smile—a real smile. I can see David’s beautiful teeth, and I am instantly happy. I can feel a smile of my own spreading across my face. He’s excited about this. It isn’t what I thought we would be doing, but I like the idea of it.
He takes my hand and we walk across the street together. When he opens the door, I look up at him and he is still smiling.
I spend the next six hours topless and hunched over a table. The same man who put the phoenix on David’s back is now putting something on mine. His name is Jake. I don’t know how old he is, but his face is beat to hell. He’s one of those guys who could be a rough-looking twenty-five or a decent-looking fifty-five.
The thing is, I have no idea what Jake is making on my back. When we walked in the door, it was clear that he and David had already discussed the whole thing. That they had already come up with a design. David said that he was here yesterday, looking over a few ideas and refining them until they were both happy with the result. He said they would show me the design if I wanted them to. In fact, they had planned on it. But I told them that I didn’t want to see it. They should just do it. They clearly know way more about tattoos than I do. I told them that as long as there were no names or faces on it, and I can easily keep it covered at work, I’m good with whatever it is. They both looked at me in disbelief, asking me repeatedly if I was sure. I don’t know why I am putting so much trust in David, but I am. It feels right.
As Jake is working, David and I talk. He tells me more of the things that he did after he and Lucia split—and getting the phoenix on his back was the least-crazy of the bunch. Matt was right. David was all kinds of ape shit. Echoing both Matt and Saz, but in his own words, David tells me that he completely lost it when things ended with Lucia. She made such a mess of things. She turned his life into a chaotic mess, and he couldn’t handle it. But he is back on track now. Things are perfect, he says with a smile. I know he is trying to distract me from the pain, which actually isn’t nearly as bad as I thought. It hurts, yes, but no more than a deep brush burn. In a way, it pleases me knowing that David thinks I am strong enough to handle this. He wouldn’t have brought me here if he thought I wasn’t able to deal with the pain. And he sure as shit wouldn’t have chosen a design as extensive as this one for my first time.
As the hours pass, I feel the needle slowly stretching from one side of my upper back to the other and then down my right side, just next to my spine. In the mirror in front of me I can see little tubs of colored ink sitting on a table next to Jake, and every few seconds, he dips the needle into one of them as he uses his other hand to wipe my back off with a paper towel. Other than a few cigarette breaks, Jake works steadily for hours. He is so focused.
When he’s done, he tells me to sit up straight and asks David to come around and let him know what he thinks. I drop the towel that I was using to cover myself and cup my hands over my breasts. I watch David in the mirror as he walks around my side and looks at my skin. His scalp retracts and his mouth unlocks into a big-as-f*ck smile. His eyes move to Jake’s, and then he nods. He and Jake’s palms clasp in a fierce, satisfied handshake.
“Nice f*cking work,” David says to him. “Unbelievable.” And with that one word I feel like the goddamned Mona Lisa. If it makes David this f*cking happy, I don’t even care what’s back there.
“You wanna see it?” David asks me, shining teeth and all. I quietly nod and try to keep from mimicking his smile until I actually see the tattoo. “Go to that set of mirrors over there.” He points to a small platform with three angled mirrors around it, just like you would see in a dressing room. I walk over and step up onto the platform. David and Jake are standing behind me, watching my face very carefully. I turn to the side.
Oh. It’s beautiful. Really, really beautiful. Jake has played Mother Nature and graced my back with a tree branch sprinkled with a dozen or so soft pink flowers. The base of the branch is just to the right of my tailbone, and a handful of gnarled twigs twist up and out of it, extending across each of my shoulder blades and up on to the top of my left shoulder. The four petals creating each blossom are heart-shaped; like those of a dogwood. On the twig that extends over to my left side, there is a bird. A dark, thick bird. I smile knowingly, staring at the raven under my skin.
“It’s beautiful, David. Just beautiful.” I want to say more, but I can’t find the right words. Instead, I pull him toward me and put my lips on his.
The skin around the tattoo is red and puffy, and when I pull away from David, Jake spreads some kind of gel across my back. Then he covers it with a large bandage and hands me a page of instructions titled “Caring for Your New Tattoo.” He smiles and shrugs at David as he hands the paper to me—he’s fully aware that David already knows everything that’s printed on it. I take it anyway and put it in my purse.
* * *

I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night. I didn’t manage very well on my stomach and lying on my back was too uncomfortable. David took the bandage off first thing this morning and rubbed more lotion into my skin after we showered. He told me it will only be sensitive for another day or two, and then the skin will probably peel. I’m not too worried about it because I have no doubt he’ll see me through it.
We decide not to go anywhere today so that I don’t have to wear a shirt. I’m sure David is enjoying watching me walk around in a loose tank top, and frankly, the thought of any other kind of fabric rubbing against my raw skin sets me on edge.
We are camped out on the sofa watching one of his man-movies when my cell phone rings. He looks at me quizzically. It is the first time I have heard my phone ring since I’ve lived here. No one has my number except for David, Matt and a few of the people at work. I go to my room and grab my phone from the bedside table. I know the number.
“F*ck,” I say, loud and sharp. “It’s my a*shole brother.” Of course. He has my number because I called him on Tuesday night. F*ck me. Without thinking, I press the answer icon and put the phone to my ear. David walks into my bedroom.
“Ricky,” I say into the phone. “What do you want?”
“Hi to you too, Em,” he says. “I’m calling to let you know that Michael is in the ground. And that the police know who put him there.” Oh.
“Really? Who?”
“You aren’t going to believe it, but it was Evan,” he says. I laugh out loud into the phone.
“Seriously?” I say. “Why would they think Evan did it? There is no way.” I look at David as I say it. He must understand what I am talking about because he is shaking his head.
“Actually, they don’t think he did it...they know he did. Because he was spotted on a surveillance camera outside the parking garage, and when they brought him in to headquarters to question him about it, he confessed to it. He said he was angry at Michael for not fixing his financial problems.”
“Jesus,” I say. “That’s f*cking nuts.” Though they’ve never discussed it with me, I know that my brothers have had a grudge against Michael ever since my mom died. In her will, my mother left them her jewelry. She had a lot of it—Michael was always giving her gifts that sparkled—but what they ended up getting was far less than we all knew she had. My brothers suspected that Michael hid some of it from them. It was no surprise to me, but I think that’s when Ricky and Evan finally saw how slimy Michael was. The man they’d idolized for so many years was prepared to stab them in the back when it came to money. As far as I know, my brothers never took legal action, but maybe their anger has been simmering all these years. Maybe Evan’s grudge was bigger than I thought. Maybe, in the end, he hated Michael as much as I did. Maybe they both did.
“He’s in jail, and I’m not bailing him out, that’s for damn sure,” Ricky says. “I thought you should know just in case he tries to get in touch with you somehow or if the cops call you about the whole thing.” Why would the cops call me?
“Yeah. Thanks,” I say. It is the first time I’ve said “thanks” to Ricky in at least ten years. The word burns my tongue.
After I hang up I stare at David in disbelief. When I repeat the entire conversation, he seems completely unruffled. I thought he might be upset that Ricky called me. And that I answered the phone.
“How do you feel about all that?” he says.
“I feel confused as f*cking hell. This is so messed up. I thought Evan had cleaned himself up. I mean, he used to be a great kid. I know Michael is responsible for changing that, but, Jesus, I can’t believe that Evan would be capable of something like this. Michael must have really f*cked him over.”
I am quiet for a minute, and David starts rubbing my shoulders as I sit down on the edge of my bed.
“It might make me seem like a bad person, but, in a way, I don’t really care about why it happened,” I continue. “The bottom line is that Michael is gone, and I can’t help feeling happy as shit about that. I do feel bad, though, that it came to this for Evan, you know? Shit must have been really bad for him.” I decide not to think about this anymore. I tell myself that I don’t care what happens to Evan. If he did this, he deserves whatever he gets. I’m not putting any more energy into thinking about it. None.