The ride home was torturous.
In most relationships, you can say to the person: Who was that? How long have you been talking to her? Do you want to be with her?
That just wasn’t the case with us, and it was killing me not to be able to address what was making me feel so horrible inside.
He held my hand. He talked art and answered his parents’ questions with an unusual amount of excitement. I was trying my hardest not to cry, but it was out of character for him to be so vocal and my only thought was Talia’s presence had made him that way.
When we arrived back at their house, he got straight out of the car and headed inside. Even though my heart was breaking, I started to follow him. But Mrs. Neely stopped me before I made it to the door, asking if we could chat.
Now, my first thought was Colton had somehow slipped that he’d been all over my bunny slopes and she would be mad and tell me we needed to only visit with supervision. My head was spinning all over the place with misplaced anxiety and the fresh pictures in my head of Talia, so tears were welling in my eyes as she led me to the side of the house where the porch swing was and took my hand to sit me down.
What I didn’t expect was for her pat my hand softly and sigh before she wiped one of my tears away.
“Are you okay?”
She asked it like she really cared and I could only nod because I was afraid using my voice would cause me to start wailing like a psycho. Apparently she didn’t believe me. I wouldn’t have, either. I’m a terrible actress.
“I should have told you that she was coming. I don’t know why I didn’t think about it affecting you.” Her eyes were soft, like she meant it. “You’re so good with him. To him. He’s grown exponentially over the past few months just by having you around. You should know that.”
“I don’t know if it’s enough.”
She nodded, all-knowing and Gandhi-like.
“Then let me say it for him, since he can’t.” She smiled a little. “Yet.” Thoughtfully, she held my hand tighter, reminding me of her son. “He talks about you all the time.”
Panic hit me pretty hard and I braced myself for the discomfort I was sure to experience when she started talking about my boobs.
“He talks about you to us because he’s not going to talk about you to you. He talks to her online because his teacher suggested it. But that girl is obsessed with Math and Physics. It bores him no end, but he does it because he was told to in order to reach his end goal. The reason she was there tonight was because it was part of his homework to invite her into a social setting.”
“But she’s so pretty,” I finally managed to get out before my voice cracked.
Mrs. Neely’s eyes were shining and she smiled again. “Sure, she’s pretty. But Colton didn’t say one thing about that when she left. He said she was . . . what was it?” She thought for a moment and then giggled. “He said she was unnaturally tall for a girl her age. And that she smelled like chlorine.”
It made me laugh, too, because I could hear him saying it in my head.
She took my chin in her hand and pulled my face up to look at hers. “He painted you. It’s as close as he’ll get to saying how much he cares for you right now. I knew the day you came to play with him all those years ago that you would be good friends, Lilly. It just wasn’t the right time. Everything he lacks, you have. Spirit. A sense of adventure.”
My tears had almost dried before they started up again and I’d nodded thankfully, trying to look away from her but she wouldn’t let me.
“You’re the reason he wanted to go to school. He’s never forgotten you. And he thought he’d see you again if he went.”
It didn’t make sense, really. Coming to school was putting him in the position to be made fun of and be anxious. Why would he do all of that?
“So many times, more than I can count, he’d ask. ‘Where’s Lilly?’ And I’d have to tell him that you were probably at school. Eventually he just asked what school you were in and if he could go, too. Please don’t get upset, but I made sure you were there before I agreed. How could I say no? He’s been in occupational therapy. I paid a lot of money when he was younger to get him into a room with other children to make friends under the watch of a therapist. If you haven’t noticed, he’s much more comfortable with adults. But you? He wanted to find you again. He doesn’t care about what others think about him. Spending time with those other people in his class has been an added bonus. But you’re the reason he continues to go.”
Call me blindsided, but I’d had no idea.
“I was so surprised to see you standing at the pick-up with him on the first day. I thought it would take more than a few hours for him to find you and become friends again. But you’ve always had a good heart, even if you’re clumsier than anyone else in the world. Anywhere. Ever.”
I wanted to laugh but I needed answers. “Is that why you said I couldn’t hang out with him anymore when we were younger?”
Her eyes dropped to where our hands were still joined. “I was seriously afraid you were going to kill yourself on our property . . .”
At that point we both started laughing because it was the truth. Had I been left alone with him any longer, Colton would surely have been present at my funeral.
“It’s been a really tough road for us. From the minute I knew something was different about him. Between the testing and evaluations, learning him and how he works . . . I’ve often thought maybe I did things wrong. That he should have been in school this entire time. But it’s just not for him. He gets frustrated when he can’t communicate because the other person isn’t on his level. He touches too hard. He gets overwhelmed and it makes him break down because he can’t vocalize what’s happening inside of him. Having the tutors alleviated some of that.
“Maybe I should have told you when you were younger. But if I walked into every room announcing that he wasn’t the same as everyone else, it wouldn’t have done him any favors. I want people to see him for who he is. All I’ve ever wanted was for him to have some semblance of a normal childhood – a normal life. When you came around, I thought maybe, because he was so enamored with you, that you two would be a good fit. You’ve never judged him. I’m overprotective to a fault because of what we’ve been through, and it was a rash decision to remove you from his life, but I felt it was best at the time. But he never forgot you. Not for one day. There are paintings upstairs that prove just that. And if you can hold onto that truth for the future, when things get tough and you’re feeling like it’s a little one-sided, then maybe it won’t be so bad.”
This was the truth he could not say, and it made me happier than I ever thought I could be.
She released me and I made my way up to his room to tell him goodnight. And though I was torn to leave him, I knew I had to walk out the front door. But before I did, I snuck into the art room to unlock his window.
Because it would be the first night I would climb that lattice to sneak into his room after his parents went to bed.
* * *
I was nervous as I pulled my car around to the other side of his neighborhood and parked off the road before changing into a pair of sweatpants, t-shirt and flip flops I kept in the car for emergency sleepover clothes when I would hang out with Harper.
The night made every sound of my feet on dead leaves become magnified by a million percent. I had to bite my lip to stop from mouth breathing and causing white puffs of smoke to give me away as I snuck through the yard of his neighbor directly behind him.
And I’ll have you know once I reached his house on foot, I made that lattice my bitch.
There’s something about being focused and motivated that can give you an adrenaline rush unlike anything you’ve ever experienced before. That was what happened as I pulled myself up the unsteady and flimsy wood and pushed the window open to slide inside. At first I was worried I would fall and land on one of his pieces he was still working on, but I didn’t and pride kind of surged through me, making the experience all that much better.
All the lights in the house were off save for the one in his room farther down the hallway. I let the minimal glow lead me to his door and stood off to the side so I could compose myself before knocking quietly. He didn’t call out a response, but I heard his footsteps and when the door did open, he froze and stared down at me, bewildered.
“May I come in?” I whispered and he tilted his head to look me over.
“Did you forget something?”
I laughed nervously and took a deep breath. “I snuck in the window. I wanted to see you.”
“You should have used the front door.” He was still just staring at me.
How was I supposed to explain?
“I know I should have, but I didn’t want your parents to know I was here. I wanted to see you.”
“You already saw me today.”
It was all I could take. “I wanted to kiss you some more, if that’s okay.”
He smiled. “You should have said that first.”
I shuffled into his room as quietly as possible and stood off to the side of his bed while he leaned against his desk, clearly unsure of what we were supposed to do.
That made two of us.
Did I mention the fact that he was shirtless? In only pajama bottoms?
I think it was the first time I had seen him like that and I’m not ashamed to admit I was staring a little.
My boyfriend is gorgeous to me. And shirtless he’s even more worthy of a lattice climb.
His computer screen caught my attention and I fought back the urge to ask him if he was talking to Talia. What his mother had said was true and I needed to believe that in order to keep hope that everything was going to be good between us.
“Colton?” I slipped off my flip-flops and dug my hand into my pocket. “Can I use your toothpaste?” My hand thrust forward with the toothbrush I had with me, and he grinned, nodding and pointing to his bathroom. He watched from the door as I did my routine before I moved into the bedroom and sat on his bed, suddenly feeling very shy.
He was by my side immediately, his mouth pressed to my neck and fingers pulling at my waist. But I angled away a little and held his hands in my lap as I got the words together I wanted to speak. “I need to ask you something.”
“Yes?”
“I have to ask. Why do you like me?”
He shifted away from me then, his brows pulled together making him look even cuter, if that was possible. “I don’t understand the question.” His hands were squeezing mine tightly as he looked down at them. “You’re my Lilly. You’ve always been my Lilly.”
My heart was his forever when he spoke those words. How could it not be?
That night we kissed and more. We went as far as we could go without things getting out of hand, and while I wanted to, I knew it wasn’t time. There were a lot of things I didn’t know about being with a boy. Or being with Colton. It was a learning experience and I was okay with figuring it out and waiting.
After a while, we slowed down and I had to push away, wanting air and needing space so I could collect myself.
“I have to go before your parents get up so we don’t get in trouble . . . for this . . .”
“I understand.”
He might have, but my heart didn’t. It wanted to stay with him.
“I’ll see you later,” I said. And then, before I could stop myself, I leaned over and gave him one more kiss. “Email me when you get up. We can talk. Like you do with Talia.”
He smiled against my cheek and kissed me again. “Talking with you would be much more enjoyable than talking with Talia, Lilly.” His eyes scanned the floor by my feet. “She’s paint by number; you’re a watercolor.”
Things like that, moments like those, how do you explain to other people that no one else in the world can you make you feel this way?