I shrug. “I don’t know what that means.”
“Well, you’ve seen his dick, right? Does it look normal? Is it massive like Alex’s? I mean, he’s monstrous.” She hold up her arm and points to her wrist. “Thicker than this, that’s for sure.”
“Violet.” Charlene kicks her.
“What?”
“Sunny’s here.”
“What does that matter? I’m sure she’s accidentally seen his junk at some point. I mean, I know what Buck’s looks like, even though I don’t want to.” Violet’s drunk. She gets louder as she gains momentum. “Besides, didn’t you go into Alex’s room and steal his condom stash, Sunny? You gotta know he’s packing a massive cannon—not to mention all the years he spent in spandex.”
Sunny just shrugs.
“Anyway, it’s not Alex’s dick that matters; it’s Randy’s. Back to that. So, what’s so Franken-y about it?”
They’re staring at me intently. “I-I don’t know.”
“What do you mean you don’t know? Is the head a weird shape? Oh my God! Does Randy have a dick piercing?”
“He doesn’t have a dick piercing.” I would’ve felt that.
“Too bad. I’ve heard those are awesome. So what’s the deal?” She gestures for me to continue.
I shrug. “I’ve never seen it.”
I get three blank looks in response.
“It’s always dark.”
“Dark? Really? Huh. But you’ve, like, held it, right?”
“Well, yeah, of course.”
“So did it have nodules or a serious curve?”
“Nodules?”
“You know, like the nuts and bolts that stick out of Frankenstein’s head—that kind of thing.”
“There aren’t any nodules. He’s definitely circumcised, though.”
“Hmm.” Violet taps her lips. “Too bad about the foreskin; it’s super fun to play with. Sunny, you should text Buck.”
“Why?”
“Because him and Balls have known each other forever. Buck has to know what this is about.”
“Why do you care?” Sunny asks. “Maybe it’s personal. Maybe Randy’s sensitive about it.”
“He’s a guy. How sensitive can he be?”
“Some of them are very.” Sunny doesn’t immediately pull out her phone.
Violet looks around the room, seeking support. “Seriously? I can’t be the only one who’s curious about this. Here you’ve got this smoking-hot hockey player, a legend in the bunnysphere—sorry, Lily, but it’s true—and Lily’s his fuck buddy, and she hasn’t even seen his dick. She hasn’t wrapped her lips around it and gagged a little when he gets excited and goes too deep.”
“We’re not fuck buddies.”
“You’re boning him, yes?”
“Well, yeah—”
“Your beaver eats his wood?” At my silence she waves her hand around her crotch. “Less than three seconds after you walked through the door, he pulled you into my laundry room and did some magic voodoo to make you come fully clothed.”
“We’re just having fun,” I say lamely.
“So you’re banging, but you’re not dating.”
“Yes. No. But we… I—”
“That’s the twenty-first-century definition of a fuck buddy. Don’t feel bad about it. It doesn’t make you slutty. I mean, shit, you spent seven years dating that Benji douche. You deserve a fuck buddy, or seven.” She thumbs over her shoulder to Charlene. “If anyone’s slutty, it’s this one. She had three FBs going at once our last year of college.”
Charlene shrugs. “It was a phase. I’m way past that now.”
“Anyway.” Violet turns back to me. “So you’ve only had sex with the lights off, you’ve only ever had your hand on his dick, and he doesn’t like blow jobs. Doesn’t anyone else find this odd?”
“I find it weird,” Charlene agrees.
“Maybe he’s shy,” Sunny says.
“Uh, have you read any of the stuff girls say about Balls?” Violet asks.
“You know I don’t look at social media. It creates problems,” Sunny replies.
“True. But some of it has merit.” Violet ponders while sipping her wine. “How big is his dick? I know what the bunnies say, but they all like to exaggerate.”
“It’s big.”
“Like, hammer of death big?”
“Um, we use the gold condoms, not the regular ones.”
“Well. That’s, uh…” Violet nods her approval. “High five, girlfriend.” I high five her. “So he’s packing, and I’m assuming it works fine.”
“We used an entire box of condoms the last time he came to Guelph.” I might be a little braggy about this.
“Holy shit. Over how many days?”
“One.”
Violet puts her hands on my shoulders. “Does your beaver have super powers? Is it made out of titanium?”
“Um, no.”
“That’s insane. How’d you manage walking the next day?”
“Carefully.”
“Okay, so let’s line up the facts and see what we know.”
“This is like the game of Clue, but about Randy’s penis,” Sunny says.