I’m so turned on right now. And a little mortified. But mostly turned on. Holy hell. Randy made a video while I was sleeping. He could use it for blackmail. Except that doesn’t make sense. I have nothing he wants. Apart from my vagina prison.
I think that was the third time we had sex. Or the fourth. I lost track after a while. They were all amazing. But the one time he was really sweet. So soft. Gentle. It was different. He put me on top. It’s all so hazy, and now I’m really sexed up.
I get another text:
I can delete those if u want, but I wanted u2cu how I cu.
I should tell him to delete them. Definitely. But I don’t. Instead I send one short message back:
It’s ok. U can keep them. Just 4u tho.
He response is quick:
No one sees u naked but me.
I slip my hand under the covers and between my legs and watch the video over and over until I come.
I don’t want to read into things, but all of this—Randy’s messages, the late-night phone calls, and now this video—feels like something dangerously real.
Chapter 22
Skates on Laces Out
LILY
Four days after my fight with my mom, she shows up at Sunny’s. I’ve been ignoring her messages. The second we see each other, we both burst into tears. Thankfully, no one’s home to witness the epic display of girliness. We sit on the couch in the Waters’ living room, cross-legged, facing each other.
“I’m so sorry, Lily.”
“I know you didn’t mean it.” I smooth my palm over my shin. I’m wearing the leggings Randy bought for me.
“But I said it, and I shouldn’t have. I can’t take it back, and I wish I could because as strong as you are, I know it hurts you to feel like a mistake.” She tucks my hair behind my ear. “You might not have been planned, but you’ve always been the best choice I made. The only thing I regret is not being able to give you more. I don’t ever want you to feel like you aren’t wanted.”
“I know you love me, Mom.” I hate these kinds of conversations. They’re hard. Emotional. They make me feel worse and better at the same time. “It wasn’t your fault he didn’t want either of us.”
I spent years sending my dad letters, school pictures, birthday cards. The only response we ever got was the child support check in the mail. By the time I was ten, I’d given up.
She strokes my hair, her eyes full of remorse. “I did a terrible job picking good father figures.”
“Robbie’s always kinda filled that role, anyway.”
“I didn’t mean what I said about Sunny, either. I know she’s been an amazing friend to you. And the Waters family has been so important. I know with Sunny moving to Chicago and you breaking up with Benji it can’t be easy.”
“Benji and I were done long before that relationship ended.”
She nods. “I know. I could see that. He hadn’t been good for you for a long time.”
It’s funny how easy it is to see something falling apart from the outside. “I wish you would have said something. Maybe I would have kicked him to the curb sooner.”
She gives me one of those smiles. “You know that’s not true. That had to be your decision, uninfluenced by me or anyone else.”
She’s right. “I’m going to help Sunny move into her new place in Chicago over the holidays.” I trace the piping on the edge of the couch, waiting.
“I can’t say I’m surprised.” She props her cheek on her hand. “Are you considering moving there, too?”
“Sunny wants me to.”
“What do you want?”
“Change, I guess? Something new. Alex can get me a job teaching skating lessons. One that pays well.” I wait for her reaction.
“He’s a nice boy.”
“He’s not a boy anymore, Mom. He’s getting married.”
“Hmm. This is true. Your hockey friend will be there? Randy?”
“Not at Sunny’s, but he’ll be around when he’s not on the road.”
“So you’ll see him?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. It’s only casual, Mom. It’s not a relationship. I’m not looking to get serious right now, not after Benji.” The words don’t feel like the truth.
My mom sighs. “You’re being safe?”
“Of course.” I think about that one time we almost weren’t. Pill or no pill, it would have been a bad choice.
“Okay.”
“Okay? That’s it? No lecture?”
My mom laughs. “You’re almost twenty-two. I can’t tell you what to do anymore. Just be careful with your heart, Lily. Don’t give it to someone who doesn’t deserve it and won’t take care of it.”
***
Even though my mom and I work things out, I decide to stay at Sunny’s for a little longer. Her parents are away at a conference, and it’s almost like living on our own. I’m treating it as a trial run, sort of.
Randy and I message back and forth over the next couple of weeks. He sends lots of dirty texts and sometimes even voice memos. Those are my favorite. I often listen to them during marble-rolling sessions. I also put in my ear buds and replay the thirty-second video.