CHAPTER 13
I WASN’T SURE how much time had passed before we found the husk of a tree stump to rest against. Our feet had begun to drag, and I could tell Avan was exhausted even if he refused to say it. He still hadn’t slept, but I didn’t want to keep insulting him by asking if he needed to stop, so I asked for a break instead.
I ached all over. My left wrist had swollen to double its size. My ribs hurt when I breathed too deeply, and my face—already sore from my run-in with Joss’s fist—throbbed again. I lowered myself gingerly to the ground, biting my lip to contain a groan. I didn’t want to conduct a thorough survey of my injuries and alarm Avan. Still, I felt so bruised that I never wanted to move again.
We sat with our backs against the stump. The bark was sturdy despite its decay. I rummaged through my pack and found half a sandwich wrapped in wrinkled paper.
I fished it out and smoothed the paper. The message “Eat only with a smile” in Reev’s handwriting greeted me.
Tears swelled in my eyes and choked my throat. I shoved the wrapper into the bag before Avan noticed.
What if Reev was dead? What if the Rider had turned him into a hollow? What if we didn’t find him at all? What would happen when we ran out of water? There was no going back. We didn’t have the Gray, and there was no crossing the Outlands on foot. I gave in to the fear for only a heartbeat. Then I swept it aside and firmly buried the doubts.
I’ll find Reev. I nodded to myself, letting the simple motion strengthen me.
For a while, I nibbled on the sandwich as Avan ate an apple. The silence grew heavy, as oppressive as the heat in the forest. I wanted trees again. Why couldn’t the Rider have hidden in the forest? It provided perfect cover. Why would he be out here in this emptiness?
Maybe that was why he called himself the Black Rider. Because he was coated in all this dust.
I would have chosen the humidity over this baked dryness. My lungs felt raw.
“I think we’re lost,” Avan said.
He didn’t seem bothered by our circumstances. In fact, nothing had fazed him so far. I wasn’t sure whether to be calmed or troubled by this.
“That’s the idea,” I said.
Avan paused in his chewing and looked over at me. A fine layer of dust had settled over his clothes and streaked his skin. It was kind of flattering, actually, like another tattoo.
“DJ said we had to get lost,” I explained.
Avan dipped his chin and surveyed the drab landscape. “That doesn’t make any sense.”
I shrugged and, after a pause, put into words what each of us had avoided: “Neither does my ability to mess with time.”
He shot me an inscrutable look. “Fair enough.”
When he didn’t say anything else, I sucked in my cheeks and picked at the bread of my sandwich. So he had seen. Why was he so casual about it? Not that I wanted him to freak out, but he didn’t even seem surprised.
We finished our food and continued on. I didn’t like being out in the open, and I seriously wished we still had the Gray. Who knew how long we’d be out here, completely vulnerable to whatever creatures might haunt the Void?
Daylight faded a couple of hours later, the sunset allowing us to determine which direction we were heading: northeast. The air grew chilly. With the summer heat in Ninurta, I hadn’t thought to bring anything thicker to wear. By the time daylight dwindled to a faint glow in the west, I was shivering.
We had to find shelter. I was willing to bet the darkness in the Outlands, however bleak, would be nothing compared to a night in the Void. Already, nebulous shapes formed in the descending dark.
Some boulders were piled in a cluster about twenty feet ahead. I had no desire to sleep out in the open, so we headed for them.
I felt my way around the boulders, hoping to find any sort of opening. Once I found one, I sighed with relief. There was hardly enough space for me to wedge through, but I managed it, wincing as rough stone scraped my bruises. The space inside the rock cluster would be a narrow fit for both of us, but I wasn’t about to let Avan sleep out there by himself.
I couldn’t see him, but I heard him curse as he maneuvered himself in. I marveled that he fit at all.
“Here,” he said from my left. I could hear and feel him getting situated in the cramped space. He took my bag, then his hand groped for mine.
Dirt made his fingers gritty, but I grasped them tightly. This was familiar.
For the second time in my life, I was crouched in the darkness with Avan, completely blind and grateful that he was with me. The first had been years ago when I’d gotten myself trapped in the sewer.
“Lay on your side,” he said, helping me down.
I did, blushing fiercely as he molded to my back. My head touched fabric; he’d arranged our bags as pillows. His shoulders curved around me, legs cradling mine as his arm draped over my waist. I felt light-headed and a little flushed, my skin tingling everywhere we touched. I didn’t even mind the hard ground. Or that we were both dirty and sweaty and covered in bruises.
“Sorry,” he whispered, a low rumble in my ear. “This is kind of weird, isn’t it?”
He started to get up, and I reached out. My hand landed on his hip, and I gripped it. There was no room for being embarrassed.
“It’s okay,” I whispered. After an awkward beat, I added, “Don’t want you getting carted off by gargoyles.”
He hesitated but eventually gave in. I guided his arm around me, the sound of my pulse in my ears. His body heat chased away the chill. I even dared to scoot back, eliminating any space left between us, and heard his sharp intake of breath. I closed my eyes.
The tight space was different from that night in the sewer. Then, there had been a metal gate between us. I had been thirteen and trying to find the latest underground club. Reev had forbidden me from going to them, insisting they bred “illicit and immoral” behavior, but I’d wanted to judge for myself. Reev probably had a twisted idea of what was “illicit” considering where he worked. And anyway, all the other kids went, so why couldn’t I?
Some girls at school had given me directions and said the derelict building near the old town square was the entrance. Inside, I would find an open gate that led down some stone stairs into the sewage tunnel, and from there, all I had to do was follow the sounds. Well, I’d found the gate and the stairs all right. But the moment the gate shut behind me, the click of the lock echoed down the tunnel.
Everyone knew that the sewers were off-limits, but the girls had sworn this tunnel was open—how else would all those people get to the clubs? It had made sense. But they must have played me, because the lock was clearly still working, and I could hear nothing but my own quick breaths in the dark silence.
The only light came from a lamppost outside a tiny window. The light was too dim, though, and didn’t reach very far into the building. I couldn’t even see my fingers when I’d held them up in front of me. Fortunately, I had been more angry than scared. I’d squished myself against the topmost step, the stone wall against my back and the metal bars of the gate cold against my side.
Then as the minutes ticked by, my anger had melted into the darkness, replaced by a slowly building fear: What if the girls hadn’t alerted the Watchmen? Nobody used this building anymore; how long would I be trapped here? What if no one found me?
I was vibrating with panic by the time the door to the building swung open. I’d expected Watchmen. Instead, Avan’s voice called out:
“Kai?”
I had been so stunned I hadn’t even answered. Avan hadn’t spoken to me for three weeks, not since I’d kicked his dad. My fingers clutched the bars and the metal squeaked.
“Kai, that you?” He’d walked over. I could see only his silhouette, highlighted in pale gray by the open door behind him.
“Y-yeah.” I’d pushed to my feet. “What are you doing here?”
“I overheard some of the girls. They said they sent you here instead of to the real location.” He’d approached the gate and peered through at me. “You do realize even though we call them underground clubs, they’re not actually underground?”
Well, I knew that now.
I had backed down a few steps into pitch-blackness, all my panic reverting to anger that made my heart pound. “Did you come here to make fun of me?”
He’d snorted. “Don’t be dumb. I came to see if they were serious. You want me to get Reev?”
“No!” My shout had echoed in the empty space, and I lowered my voice. “No. He’ll . . .” He’d be so angry and disappointed with me. I couldn’t let him know. “Please don’t tell him.”
“Well, the Watchmen should be here soon to let you out. I alerted a runner.” He turned, and I swallowed the urge to ask him to stay.
But instead of leaving, he had dropped his back against the bars and slid down, shifting against the floor to find a comfortable position.
“What are you doing?” I’d asked.
“I’m not going to leave you here by yourself in the dark. And I have to make sure someone gets you out, don’t I?”
I hadn’t known what to say, so I lowered myself down on the top step and leaned my head against the nearest bar. From this angle, I could see Avan’s profile.
“Thanks,” I whispered.
I thought I saw his mouth curve, but it had been hard to tell in the dark. His arm moved. When warm fingers reached through the bars, I hesitated only a moment before gripping his hand.
Even though we sat on opposite sides of the gate, with nothing but a yawning blackness behind me, I had known it would be okay. Avan would make sure of it.
The Watchmen arrived an hour later to let me out. I had put on such a convincing display of tears and remorse that they let us go with no tax out of sheer pity. Afterward, Avan and I had gone back to his shop where we hung around and snacked on dry fruit for another hour, talking about nothing I could recall now; all I remembered was the expressive and fluid way his hands moved when he spoke. I returned to the Labyrinth shortly before Reev’s shift ended, and neither Avan nor I had spoken of that night since.
But I had never forgotten. In the same way that I knew Avan would see me through the night, that was the moment I realized Avan and I would be okay—that our friendship, which had been in serious doubt for weeks, would be okay. It didn’t matter how he spent his nights or that we rarely saw each other outside of school or my visits to his shop; he would still be there for me when I needed him.
Coming with me on this journey, however, wasn’t something I’d expected. This was going too far. I never would have asked this of him.
But that’s what was so great about Avan. I never had to ask.
The dusty fabric of my bag chafed my cheek, and I tucked my face against my shoulder. His arm tightened around me. I wished I knew what he was thinking.
As if he’d heard my thoughts, he whispered, “I was wondering . . .”
My eyes opened, even though I couldn’t see anything. “What?”
His breath was a warm spot against my hair. “How did you and Reev meet?”
Avan knew about my missing memories, but I’d never told him that Reev and I weren’t real siblings. It was obvious just by looking at us, though.
“By the river. Reev said I was unconscious. He picked me up, took care of me, and then decided he couldn’t just drop me off on the street afterward. The earliest thing I can remember about Reev is his eyes. They were the first things I saw when I woke up.” Considering I couldn’t remember anything about where I’d been or who I was, they’d left an impression. “I had an ID with me, and when he checked it at the registry, we found out I had no living relatives to claim me. So he kept me.”
“I’ve always admired the way you two look out for each other,” Avan said.
“Even though he’s not my real brother, we’re still family.”
“Yeah,” he murmured. “Family should protect each other.”
I bit my lip. “Avan, you’re—”
“You don’t remember your parents?” he asked, cutting me off. It was just as well. I didn’t know where the words had come from. Or how he would have reacted to them.
You’re my family, too.
“If I answer, do I get to ask about yours?”
His silence stretched for long enough that I figured he had no intention of responding. But finally, he said, “Someday.”
His voice was quiet but not cold.
“Then ask me again someday,” I said.
He gave an exaggerated sigh that made me smile.
A few beats later, he said, “I have a confession.”
I grew tense, only for a moment, but the way his thumb swept soothingly against my cheek meant he’d felt it. With my stomach fluttering, I waited for him to go on.
“About six years ago, you came into the shop to buy lunch for Reev. I recognized you from school, but we didn’t really talk then. Anyway, you were going around a corner, and your elbow knocked something over. I can’t remember what it was. But you did it then—the thing with time.”
I guess this explained why he hadn’t been shocked by what he’d seen lately.
“I thought I was going crazy,” Avan said. “I tried to move, to ask you what was happening, but I couldn’t open my mouth. I didn’t even know it was you doing it until I saw your face. You were completely focused on reaching for whatever you’d knocked over. And then everything sort of rushed forward, and you caught the thing before it hit the floor. You looked so relieved.”
All this time I had assumed, because no one besides Reev ever reacted to my manipulations, that people couldn’t sense them. They carried on as if nothing had happened. Of course, I didn’t make a habit of doing it in crowded areas, but who else might have been aware? Who else hadn’t I noticed noticing me?
He seemed to be waiting for me to say something, so I licked my lips and said, “Then you already knew.”
I didn’t know how some people could sense it, but I realized it didn’t bother me that Avan was one of them. It made me feel less crazy. Less alone.
And I couldn’t deny that I liked the idea that Avan had noticed me long before he ever gave me those apples.
“I should have mentioned it sooner,” he said.
I tried to shrug, but it was difficult in our current positions. “Doesn’t matter now. But it would have been good to know a few years ago.”
“I waited for you to tell me.”
He would’ve had to wait a long time. He probably knew that, though.
“Is it magic?” He sounded awed by the possibility.
“I don’t know.”
“Before Rebirth, there were plenty of mahjo. What if the Kahl isn’t the last one?”
“I don’t know,” I repeated, quieter. I doubted there was anything he could ask that I hadn’t already wondered myself. “I can’t exactly send the Kahl a note saying, ‘Hi, I think I have magic, too, and I’m dying to talk to someone about it. Let’s have lunch.’”
He laughed, the slight motions pressing his body more firmly into mine. “So what do we do when we find the Black Rider?”
I appreciated that he said “when.” “We save my brother.”
“Good intentions aren’t going to get us very far. We need a plan.”
The problem was that we didn’t know anything about the Black Rider: who he was, what he might do, how he might attack us. I couldn’t risk Avan getting hurt or killed trying to protect me.
I slid my fingers into my bag and felt the handle of the knife that the prostitute had given me. I wished I’d gotten her name, but I hadn’t thought to ask. I’d been so worried about what might have happened to Reev.
“The knife,” I said. “There’s something about it. It scared off those gargoyles.”
“You can’t fight the Rider’s army with one knife,” Avan said, his usual wry undertone entering his voice again.
I traced my fingers down Avan’s forearm and wrist until I found the bumps of his knuckles. I could tell he was holding his breath. I pretended not to notice when I felt the light pressure of his lips against my hair. I imagined turning in his arms and meeting his mouth with mine.
I tried to will away the sensations spreading through me, the warmth and the ache that made it hard to think clearly.
“I’ll figure something out,” I whispered. Actually, I did have a plan, but I didn’t want to tell him yet. I was pretty sure he wouldn’t like it.
I had a gift. I had no idea why or how, but my abilities could be useful to the Rider. Hopefully, the Rider would be open to a trade.