CHAPTER 19
LIAM
“Okay,” Noah says. I can feel his leg start to swing under the table. Reaching down, I set my hand on his knee, calming his jitters. Josie shifts in the chair, leaning closer to Noah. I do the same thing, although I’m not sure why. I look at her and raise my eyebrow. We didn’t discuss who was going to tell him. I think it should be her. I can’t see myself blurting out that I’m his dad. My luck it would come out like Darth Vader – minus the respiratory issues.
Josie clears her throat and smiles at Noah. “Remember when you asked me if Liam was my boyfriend?” Noah nods, his leg starts up again. I realize I’m not going to be able to keep him calm. Hell, I’m not even calm. I just have years of practice in stoicism.
“Well, Liam and I dated for a long time in high school and then he went away to college and things didn’t work out for us, but…” Josie stops and clears her throat. I know this must be hard for her, remembering how good we had things until I screwed everything up. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, sweetie.”
“Tell me what?” Noah breaks in. His eyes are drawn in. I can tell he doesn’t like to see his mom cry. He puts his hand on her shoulder and rubs it.
“Liam is your dad, baby.” Josie sobs. My leg slams into the table as I get up, rushing to her side. I fall to my knees, pulling her into my arms. Her tears wet my neck, her cries muffled. I know I shouldn’t, but I have to. I kiss below her ear, her cheek.
“Everything will be all right. I won’t leave. I promise,” I whisper with each kiss. She brings her face up, her eyes wet, red and puffy. My hands cup her face, pulling her closer. I kiss her full on lips. Lips I’ve missed for so long. When she starts to pull away, I want to hang on, but she’s not mine and I shouldn’t have kissed her, not like that.
“I’m sorry,” I say. She nods and wipes her face with the back of her hands. I move back to my seat without looking at Noah. He just saw a man kiss his mom.
A man she’s not engaged to.
I risk a look at Noah, he’s smiling. I’m not sure why, but he looks like a kid in a candy store.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you when you asked before,” Josie says. Her fingers thread through his hair which seems to relax his jittery leg.
Noah shrugs. “I already knew.”
Josie and I look at each other, stone faced. Our heads both turn slightly as we look at Noah. “What do you mean you knew?” I ask.
“Remember that day in the museum?” I nod. “Well I was looking at a picture of you and Mason and a teacher said I looked just like you and then I saw you in the bathroom and when I said my mom’s name you looked at me kinda funny. So I just guessed it.”
“You didn’t want to say something?” I ask.
“I didn’t know if you liked me or if you wanted to be my dad.”
Looking at my son with tears in my eyes I see me at this age. I reach out, cupping his face with my hand. “Hell yes I want to be your dad. My god, Noah, since the day I saw you, I’ve been bugging your mom about meeting you.”
“Was I an accident like Junior Appleton?”
“No,” I answer before Josie can say anything. Her eyes go wide. “Your mom and I talked about having kids all the time. I was going to marry her, buy her a nice fancy house and we were going to have a family.”
Noah looks at Josie who nods in agreement. When he looks back at me, his eyes are like daggers. “What happened?”
“I went to college and some things changed. Instead of taking your mom with me, I left everyone I knew behind and went to California to try something different. I didn’t know about you until I met you the other day. Your mom,” I look up at Josie and smile. “She loves you and she tried to find me, so don’t be angry at her okay?”
“Okay.”
“Remember when I said I had to go back to work. I’m going to stay for this week’s game, then head back. But I’ll be back and you can call me anytime you want to talk or have a question about football.”
“Can I tell people you’re my dad?”
I look to Josie for approval. She shrugs her shoulders. I think that Beaumont is far enough off the beaten path that paparazzi won’t bug him, but I’m not sure. I also don’t want him to feel like he has to hide me.
“You can, but listen, buddy. There are people who like to take my picture and think they can get close to me through my friends. If anyone gives you a hard time or starts following you around, you just call me and I’ll take care of everything, okay?”
“And we need to tell Nick,” Josie says as she runs her hand through Noah’s hair. I thought she had which would explain why he was so angry yesterday. I know I shouldn’t care, but he’s been raising my son. I should respect his feelings.
“Listen to me, Noah. I want you to listen to Nick and treat him the same because he’s your dad too. You are going to be one of those special boys that have an amazing set of parents.”
The timer on the stove goes off and Noah breathes a sigh of relief before announcing that he’s starving to death. Josie jumps up and hurries into the kitchen, leaving Noah and I sitting at the table.
“Do you love my mom?”
“Yes,” I reply without hesitation.
“Like really, really looooove her?”
“Where do you learn this stuff?” I don’t remember knowing what love was at nine years old. My only focus was football and how far I could throw the ball. Girls weren’t even on my radar at this age.
“School.”
“What else do they teach you in school these days?”
Noah shrugs. “Do you love her like you did before?”
“Yes,” I say again because it’s the truth. I never stopped loving her and absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder. I’ve been in love with Josephine Preston since I can remember and now I’m too late. “But it doesn’t change things. Your mom has moved on and is going to marry Nick. You and I, though, you’re going to be my sidekick.”
“Can I go on tour with you?”
Josie enters just as Noah asks. I’m not sure how to answer but I’m sure as hell not telling him no. Josie is watching me out of the corner of her eye, waiting for me to screw this up. She sets plates in front of us and takes a seat across from Noah.
“Maybe,” I say as I pick up my fork. “It will depend on where I’m going and if it’s during the summer. You can’t miss school and you don’t want to miss football. Do you play any other sports?” I dig into my dinner and hum when the savory chicken hits my taste buds. I haven’t had a home cooked meal in a long time. Even the food at Katelyn’s was just party food. This is a real dinner.
“I play baseball because Nick likes it, but I want to learn the guitar.”
“I’ll teach you.”
“You will? Awesome!”
Dinner conversation flows fairly well. We talk about his teacher and his homework. He tells us that he has a crush on a girl at school but doesn’t want to give us her name. Josie and Noah ask about Los Angeles and what it’s like. I tell them there are a lot of people, the traffic is horrible so I hate leaving my place and that it can be really hot. But we have Disneyland and nice beaches and the Hollywood sign.
Noah asks what my cat’s name is and I’m ashamed to admit I never named it. Noah says that’s why it hates me and he’s probably right.
Noah drills me about music and MTV asking me if I like being on there and I tell him no, but that I don’t have a choice. He says he listened to some of my music and tells me I’m really good. I wasn’t prepared when he asked who my songs were about. I shrugged and went back to eating. There were some things I just wasn’t going to answer.
Being a school night, our time is cut short. Noah complains, but I ask him if I can come watch his practice tomorrow. I remind him that I’ll also be at his game this week. Josie invites me over for dinner again and I eagerly agree. I want to spend time with her simply because being in the same room as her calms me. It also spurs my creative side and I can’t wait to get back in the studio, even though I’ll be leaving them both behind.
Josie and I sit down for coffee once Noah is in bed and she sets some rules. I don’t exactly agree, but understand where she's coming from. No elaborate gifts or fancy toys. I ask about a phone and she says yes, as long as I’m the one paying. I laugh and then quickly realize that maybe she and Nick aren’t sharing expenses. The more I think about it the more pissed off I get. If he’s living here and playing dad, why is she worrying about money? I put a note in my phone to write her a check for ten years of back child support.
Leaving Josie’s house is hard. I hate the idea of them alone in the house by themselves, but she assured me she’s used to it. I still don’t like it.
Instead of going back to my hotel, I head for the cemetery. I haven’t been back since we buried Mason, and I could really use him right now. Even if just means he’s listening. I’m surprised I can find his plot in the dark, but I do. All his standing sprays are still in bloom and I wonder if Josie has been out here taking care of the flowers each day.
“So I have a son,” I say while rearranging the flowers covering his plot. “I have a nine year old son who looks just like me and plays football. Quarterback no less. I’m guessing it’s pretty cool being a dad. I don’t know yet because I only found out by accident and Josie just told Noah today. He seems cool with it until he realizes I’m not around all time like Nick. God, how could you let her hook up with Nick Ashford? Man, when I saw him at your funeral I thought I was in the twilight zone. But I guess you guys became buddies or something, huh?”
I sit down in the dirt, pulling my knees to my chest. “I’m sorry, Mason. You’ll never know how sorry I am for leaving like I did. I should’ve called or something, come home after a year. All I can say is that I’m sorry and I’ll make it up to Katelyn and make sure she’s taken care of. I can do that for her and you and your girls, especially Peyton. Someone is going to have to teach her a five step drop. Might as well be me.”
I set my hand over his dirt pile and say a silent prayer before leaving. The ride back to my hotel is long and lonely. Now that I have Noah and he knows the truth, I want to spend all my time with him. I just need to figure out how.