‘Then touch me instead.’
It took him three goes to get the door locked. When he turned back, my shorts had gone the same way as the bra. He stood very still. I don’t think he was even breathing. His eyes were very dark. There was no blue. He walked slowly across the room, like a man wading through water. I reached for him, but he caught my wrists. ‘Please. You have to give me a minute. I wasn’t kidding about exploding.’
‘No. No minutes. I wasn’t kidding about something or someone getting in the way. If it’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s to seize my opportunities while I can. So now, Leon. Right here, right now. No more minutes.’
There were no preliminaries.
The table went over with a crash that probably brought half the ceiling down on the unfortunate occupant of the room downstairs, and then he was right there in front of me, blocking the light, shoving me backwards against the cold wall. I could feel him against me. Every inch of him. He kissed me. Hard. I could taste him. I kissed him back, feeling everything inside me slide south.
I tore at his clothes while he kicked off his shoes and then, finally, he stood in front of me. We took a moment, just to look at each other. The only sounds in the universe were his uneven breathing and my thumping heart. He stepped forwards and slowly, very slowly, reached out for me. There was that never-to-be-repeated moment when skin touches skin for the very first time. I trembled against him.
He touched my face, very gently. As if he didn’t trust himself to do more. ‘I am drowning in you …’
I groaned and melted against him because I had forgotten … oh God, I had forgotten … I stretched myself against him. His hands were all over me. Urgent but gentle. A deadly combination. For me, anyway.
He said, ‘Lucy,’ just once, in a voice that took my breath away. He lifted me up and then he was there. Hot and hard inside me. I could feel him. Feel his need. Pushing himself into me.
I wouldn’t let him leave me behind. I pushed back. Matching his movements. Matching his breathing. I couldn’t see – I couldn’t hear. There was only a thick, heavy rhythm that found an echo in my blood as he pushed himself harder and higher with every movement. I wrapped my legs around him, wanting him – desperate for him. Now I knew how it felt to have a man lose all control and all thought. To lose himself in joy and love. To lose himself in me. To sweep me away in the flood of his own desire. His skin burned under my hands. I could feel his muscles moving. Hear his jagged breathing.
The wall was cold and hard behind my back. I found a moment to hope the room on the other side was empty because any minute now, we could be coming through the wall. The bedside lamp toppled over. Something fell off the wall. I heard glass shatter. One of us knocked the alarm clock onto the floor and the alarm went off. God, it was loud. Although not as loud as us. I hoped the entire landing was empty. Because he was unstoppable. Relentless. Suppose we brought the building down. Again.
I caught a sob in my throat for the things I thought I’d lost and hadn’t. Neither of us had. Finally, we were here. Now. Together.
I began to fall into hot, dark places … and still he moved inside me … picking up speed … great, glorious waves of pleasure … Oh God … I was lost … I cried out … and then all the anxiety, the fear, the uncertainty, everything washed away in surges of light and colour … and he must have been waiting for me, because with one, final, massive push, he exploded … and I could feel him inside me, pulsing, endlessly it seemed, on and on, carrying me with him, until, finally, he was still.
We slithered down the wall and lay in a tangle on the floor. He reached over and seized the still shrieking alarm clock, which went the same way as the clipboard. Silence fell. He pulled the duvet off the bed.
I lay, safe and warm, in his arms. ‘There’s a perfectly good bed over there. Why are we sleeping on your bedroom floor?’
He tucked the duvet around us and said drowsily, ‘Would you prefer to sleep on someone else’s bedroom floor?’
He closed his eyes.
I watched him sleep for a while. He was battered and scarred, his hair was turning grey, and for me, he was the most precious thing in this world. In any world.
I cried for him. I couldn’t help it. And maybe I cried a little for myself as well.
Dr Bairstow sent for me. I knew what this would be about. It was time to make a decision. I’d honestly tried to give the future some thought and every time my mind had just shied away like a nervous horse. I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know what Leon wanted either. We really were going to have to stop hurling ourselves at each other and sit down and talk about it. And soon.