He sat very still. He was a good man. After his previous behaviour, I could see the first move would have to be mine.
I shouldn’t do this. I really shouldn’t do this. God knows what sort of problems this could cause. I should smile and let him down as gently as I could. Before this went any further.
But I’d had no chance to set things straight before he died. If we’d parted on amicable terms … If I’d been able to say goodbye … But I’d had none of that. An uncaring universe had ripped him out of my world and now, as far as I was concerned, this same, uncaring universe could just bloody lump it.
I reached out with a hand that wasn’t steady and touched his cheek. He touched my fingers with his own. Gently. Hesitantly.
I could still stop this. No harm had been done. I could stop this anytime I wanted.
He closed his fingers over mine and dropped his words into the silence.
‘I am on fire with desire for you.’
There was a moment’s stillness and then we crashed together. A locker door swung open and deposited its contents on top of us. The fire axe missed his head by inches.
He kissed me, hard and long and I felt my senses begin to slip. He tasted as he always had. He smelled as he always had. I ran my hands under his T-shirt and, as he always had, he made that tiny sound of surprise as my cold hands touched his hot skin. And, as I always had, I laughed under my breath.
His hands were all over me. Those rough-calloused, working-man’s hands that always surprised me with their gentleness. Touching, exploring, teasing. Awakening feelings I thought were safely buried. I felt the heat begin to build inside me. I couldn’t get enough of him. I was desperate for him.
I have no memory of my clothes coming off. There was just that magical moment when, for the first time, skin touches skin.
The lightstick finally failed and we were in the dark. As if it was a signal, he lowered us to the floor and began to lay himself over me. There was more weight than I was used to and I was already gasping for breath in this thick, heavy, hot darkness. He interlocked our fingers, imprisoning my hands.
‘What are you doing?’
He had difficulty getting the words out. ‘Giving myself a … fighting chance before those … cold hands push me over the edge of … madness.’
There was no reading his face. He was just a dark mass above me.
I caught my breath. The heat, the weight, the darkness. I couldn’t move. A thread of panic …
He pushed his knee between mine. My heart was pounding fit to burst. So was his. His body covered mine. I could feel his mouth on my breast. Oh God …
I might not survive this.
The whisper came out of the darkness. Intimate, painful, unlocking so many memories …
‘Lucy …’
I tried to respond, but speech was beyond me.
I could feel him nudging his way inside, hot and very, very hard. And then he was there.
Intense. Exquisite. Excruciating. Golden pain. I groaned and he echoed the sound. I couldn’t think properly. I couldn’t think at all. I went to push back against him but found instead that I couldn’t move. Not a muscle. I was trapped beneath him. Helpless. In the dark …
That faint thread of panic again …
He pushed himself inside again. A great jolt of current ran through me. Every instinct I possessed was screaming at me to push, to move, to do something to shatter this tangled skein of love, fear, heartbreak, desire, and anguish before it destroyed me.
Somehow, I found breath for words. ‘Leon, I can’t … It’s too much. It’s too intense. Please …’
‘Lucy …’
He slid himself in and out again, leaving chaos everywhere he went.
‘Leon, please …’ but he covered my mouth with his own, hard and demanding. Now I couldn’t move or speak. And running through it all was something I thought long buried. Uncoiling. Responding … I could feel unbearable heat, demanding to be released and I couldn’t move. I couldn’t do anything except lie helpless, drenched with sensations I never knew existed, dancing on that fine line between overwhelming need and overwhelming fear as he moved inside me. The pod turned red and purple and black. He was hot and heavy. Unstoppable as Time. I gasped, crushed his fingers, and begged and sobbed as the precipice drew ever nearer.
Another whisper in the dark …
‘Lucy …’
I was on fire. It was unbearable. It was too much. I could die of this …
‘Lucy … let go. Just let go. I’ve got you …’
I stopped fighting him, sucked in a great breath and tried to let go. To surrender. To open myself up to him. As I had done before …
‘Leon …’
He lifted himself slightly. ‘Come to me …'
I arched up to meet him. We pushed hard against each other. Moving together at last. Feeling each other. Feeling our need. He lifted himself on his arms. His slight change of position changed something else deep inside and, suddenly, I was hurtling headlong into the unknown.
I screamed.