Evan looked up at me almost pleadingly. He didn’t have to say a word. Everyone understood then—it was me. As the oldest, of course it would be me whose countdown was further along.
“I’m not giving up, Meggie,” Evan walked over and knelt beside me. “I, er…we,” he said waving his hands toward Paulie and Dr. Andrews, “we just knew it was definitive enough to talk with the family; to let everyone know what we have so far. Maybe there’s something I just haven’t thought of yet; a way to slow the process or replenish ourselves...”
“Stop, Ev. It’s okay. I know this isn’t your fault. It’s none of our fault. This is just the way it is,” even as I spoke, tears were beginning to stream down my face. “We have to think long-term, even if we’re not here to live it. We have to think of what kind of world we’re going to leave behind. We have to prioritize. If we only have—” I stopped to swallow a knot of emotion, “a year left, we need to get to work. We need to leave this world better than we entered it.” My voice was painfully steady. Maybe by pretending bravery, I gathered just a hint of the real thing. I sat up straight, brushed the nonexistent lint off my shorts and stood.
“We have a lot of work to do, boys. Let’s get started.” I began walking out of the living room and into the office where we had been collecting data on Williams.
“Meg, it’s okay to take a few minutes to let our heads wrap around this, you know,” said Alik who was looking very pale. This had all been news to him, too.
“What good does that do? We’re dying. Everyone dies! We just happen to know it’s going to be sooner than later for us.” My voice slipped, now edging toward shrill.
“Meg, calm down,” Cole tried to soothe. He looked on the verge of tears.
“I am ‘calm’ Cole Andrews. I’m probably the most calm I’ve been in a long time. Nothing like finding out you’re gonna die to add a kick-butt dose of clarity to a person’s life!”
“What can we do to help you?” Dr. Andrews offered.
“This isn’t just about me, you know. Please don’t think I’m so self-centered as to think this news flash only affects me. I already know there is nothing anyone can do to help me, but, by God, I can do something to help you! I can catch this asshole Williams and stop him from hurting any more kids. I can make this a better world for you to grow old in.” I waved my hands across the room at the regular humans who loved me; the humans who were staring at me with worry and fear in their eyes.
“I’ve got to get out of here for a while.” My words came out quivering, laced with emotion.
20 My Resolution
My heart was screaming in my throat, but I swallowed hard and forced it away. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Instead of heading to the study as I had planned, I made a direct path to my room and threw on a pair of running shoes. I couldn’t let myself listen to the emotions exploding inside me. And I couldn’t let myself feel the pain I just created in the other part of Paulie’s house. I just had to run. I had to get away.
Maze followed me to my room. He knew I was upset and was ready to be my trusty sidekick in whatever I was about to do. Ever since he was shot with a tranquilizer gun while protecting mom back in the Kansas hospital, he had been more protective of me than ever. He hardly let me out of his sight, but I really wanted to be alone.
I grabbed the door to my bedroom on my way out and abruptly turned back to order Maze to stay. He whined pitifully, but sat on his haunches and obeyed. I shut the door to my bedroom, trapping my best friend inside. I wasn’t any sort of good company, I told myself. He will enjoy a good nap while I go work out my issues running.
The screen door closed with a solid whack behind me as I tried to bolt from the trauma in my heart. This was just too much. I just found out I was dying. Everyone I love was in that room and they all know. I had no time to swallow what was being shoved at me so I did what I always do, I start yelling at the world in an emotional tirade. My efforts to seem completely in control are always sabotaged by my inability to breathe.
But in the end, this isn’t about me or how I feel. I’m just a means to an end now. At least I get to decide how I’m going to end it. I refuse to just let myself die. This is not going to go well for Williams. Not at all. Now I know I have nothing left to lose.
My feet hit the pavement with a rhythmic determination.
My little brothers have more time than me. Maybe they can find a cure before it’s too late for them. As for me, I have already made my decision.