Whisper to a Scream (Alexa O'Brien, Huntress #6.5)

I gave the scene a brief glance. I’d had no interest in trivial human crap until the two brawling men smashed into me in their sloppy attempts to pummel one another. When the tequila I’d raised to my lips spilled down my front, I turned on my bar stool to face them. The two animals were still going at it, paying no heed to the tables and patrons around them.

Infuriated, my first punch separated them. The next two sat them each down on the floor. I gave my hand a shake and sat back down. The bartender raised a brow, looking from me to the drunken fools. Then with a shrug, he poured me another drink.

“Am I interrupting your pity party?” Serene helped himself to the seat next to mine. “Or, would you be willing to talk?”

“I don’t have anything to say.” I did my best to stare straight ahead at the golden liquid awaiting me. I was too guilt riddled to look into the eyes of my friend, and I didn’t want him to see it.

He politely declined the bartender’s inquiry. Turning to me with heavy concern, he said, “Fine. Then you can listen. I understand that you are in mourning. Please know you have my deepest sympathies. However, it’s time to move on.”

“Move on?” I muttered. “To what? There is nothing for me. I have no purpose anymore. At least I can remember her, and take comfort knowing that in the end, she loved me, too.”

“No purpose?” Serene questioned. “What happened to protecting Alexa? She needs you, you know.”

I did look at him then. Surprise pulled my face out of the tight frown I’d worn for weeks. “You said she was no longer my charge. I’ve been dropping in on her, keeping an eye out for Shya and his demons, but I’d assumed there was little I could do for her.”

Serene’s gentle gaze traveled over me, landing on the alcohol clutched in my hand. “Officially, she is not your charge. Though unofficially, I expected you meant what you said when you refused to give up your duty to her. Although you won’t be much good to her carrying on like this.”

I followed his gaze around the small pub. Woody’s Pub had become a regular part of my existence. For some reason, I felt closer to Christina here than I did anywhere else.

“I appreciate your concern, Serene. I’ve got things under control.” Denial? Perhaps. I would grieve however felt best, and the brief reprieve of numbing alcohol was the closest thing to comfort I had.

“Punching out humans and staying drunk does not convey control. I understand things have changed for you, but this is not true to who you are. Don’t tell me you’ve given up so easily.”

I made a face and tipped back the next golden shot. Serene meant well, I knew that, but his presence was making me feel worse rather than better.

My head swam. I didn’t want to be reminded of what I once was, what I had lost. Serene represented everything I would never be again. It hurt, yet I had nobody to blame but myself.

“I don’t need the lecture. I will help Alexa; that hasn’t changed. But, my actions are not open to discussion.”

My face grew warm. I was embarrassed at having been cast out. It would be a very long while before I’d be ready to face my former brethren.

“That is your choice,” Serene said with a nod. “Might I remind you that this kind of behavior has never helped anyone? If you don’t stop feeling sorry for yourself, you will fail Alexa again, only this time could prove fatal. How many women must you watch die for your mistakes before you start to learn from them?”

His words echoed with vindication, and I nearly choked on my next drink. I couldn’t dispute the truth Serene spoke, but it hurt me to hear it.

“Nobody else is going to die on my watch,” I insisted, finding it difficult to get the words out. I said it, but did I still have the will to make it so?

Serene stood up and held a hand out toward the exit. “Come. Walk with me.”

I went willingly. My self-pity was not strong enough to keep me in that bar when my brother beckoned me. He took me to one of the most broken neighborhoods in the city, a place where hope had long been abandoned.

We walked through the people littering the streets. From children selling themselves for another drug rush to war veterans long forgotten by the government they fought for, the souls inhabiting these streets were as endless as their stories.

“Do you remember what these precious people once meant to you?” Serene bent to pet a stray dog sniffing curiously around his legs.

“They still mean a great deal to me, Serene. The fall has not changed that.”

My heart still stirred for them, and I realized how relieved I was at that revelation. I had feared the fall would take more than my status among the hierarchy. It had not stolen my love. For that, I was grateful.

“Existing in a drunken haze may make you forget your pain, but it makes you forget everything and everyone else as well.” With a hand on my back, Serene guided me along. “If you succumb to this need to punish yourself, you allow evil another victory.”