Wallbanger

Chapter Twenty-One
DUMBSTRUCK, I STOOD with my mouth hanging open as he walked farther into the room to contemplate the baked goods. He shuffled through the sugar and paused to swipe a finger through a bowl lined with melted chocolate. I sighed heavily as I returned to the counter to face him and the music as I removed a ball of dough from another bowl where it was rising.
How did he know? How could he tell? I flipped and kneaded the dough—a fluffy, clingy brioche—feeling my face flame. I thought I’d played it pretty well. I chanced a look up at him as he licked the chocolate from his finger, his eyes growing more concerned as my thoughtful kneading turned into punching. I took my frustration out on the brioche dough as I pondered an O-less life. Dammit.
His finger now clean, he brushed a lock of hair behind my ear as I continued to punch/knead and flip. I winced when he touched me, the glorious image of him perched on top of me impossible to ignore.
“We gonna talk about this?” he asked quietly, dipping his nose to my neck. I leaned into his body for a scant second, then caught myself.
“What is there to talk about? I don’t even know what you’re talking about. Are you delirious from the time change?” I said cheerily, avoiding his eyes as I wondered if I could pull this off. Could I convince him he was crazy one? Goddamnit, how did he know?
“Nightie Girl, come on. Talk to me,” he prodded, nuzzling into my neck. “If we’re gonna do this, we need to talk to each other.”
Talk? Sure, I could talk. He should probably know what he was in for with me, doomed to wander the planet without an O for the rest of my life. I picked up the dough one more time and threw it against the wall. It dripped and rolled down, sticky like those creepy crawly things I used to play with as a kid. I whirled to face him, my face still red but beyond caring now.
“What was that going to be?” he asked calmly, nodding to the dough.
“Brioche. It was going to be brioche,” I answered quickly, my tone frantic.
“I bet it would have been good.”
“It’s a lot of work—almost too much.”
“We could try it again. I’d be glad to help.”
“You don’t know what you’re offering. Do you have any idea how complicated it is? How many steps there are? How long it might take?”
“Good things come to those who wait.”
“Christ, Simon, you have no idea. I want this so badly, probably even more than you.”
“They make croutons out of it, right?”
“Wait, what? What the hell are you talking about?”
“Brioche. It’s like, some kind of bread, isn’t it? Hey, quit banging your head against the counter.”
The granite felt cool against my defeated, hot skin, but I banged with less force when I heard the edge of panic in his voice.
He knew, and he was still here. He was here in my kitchen in that blue North Face pullover that made his eyes smoky sapphires and his entire body look cuddly and warm and sexy and virile and kick-me-the-in-head gorgeous. And here I was, covered in honey and raisins, banging my head on the countertop after killing my brioche.
Killing my brioche. What a great name for a—focus, Caroline!
Heart had damn near leapt out of my chest when she saw him at the door. LC was close behind, involuntarily clenching at the sight of him. Brain had shut down in shock and denial for a moment, but was now analyzing the situation and leaning toward pronouncing him a worthy candidate, noting the time and distance he’d committed to discovering the cause of concern. Backbone straightened now, knowing innately that proper posture created a better-looking rack—could you blame her? Nerves…fluttered.
Why. Why. He wants to know why. I examined him between bangs…ahem…and saw he was getting concerned. As was I—my head was really starting to hurt. I was tired, overwhelmed, and underorgasmed. And a touch slaphappy?
After one last bang, I straightened up, then listed a little left. I caught my balance, drew in a breath, and let fly.
“You want to know why?”
“I’d like to. Are you done banging?”
“God bless it, no more banging. Okay, why. Why? Here goes…” I paced in a tight circle, dodging the chocolate chips and pecans that had congregated close to the counter on the floor. I spied Clive in the corner, batting a few walnuts back and forth between his paws. Nuts all over the floor, nuts in my head. Fitting. “Know anything about pizza parlors, Simon?”
To his great credit, he listened. He listened as I went on and on, circling the kitchen island as I ranted and raged. I could barely make sense of it myself: “Weinstein…one night…machine gun…It went away!…night off…Jordan Catalano…Not even Clooney!…hiatus…Oprah…lonely…single…Not even Clooney!…Jason Bourne…almost Clooney…Pink nightie…banging…”
After a while he looked as dizzy I was beginning to feel. But I was determined to get it all out. He tried to grab me on one pass around, but I dodged his hands, almost slipping in a patch of crushed pecans, which I had crushed further in my circling. I had worn a path through the clutter.
I made one last pass, this time muttering, “Spanish fairy tale with prawns,” when I tripped over a muffin tin and fell into his arms.
He held me close, breathing me in, kissing my forehead. “Caroline, babe, you gotta tell me what’s going on. The mumbling? It’s cute and all, but we’re not really getting anywhere.” He pressed his hands into the small of my back, holding me in place. I pulled away a little, resisting his embrace, and looked him straight in the eyes.
“How did you know?” I asked.
“Come on, sometimes guys know.”
“No, really. How did you know?” I asked again.
He kissed my nose gently. “Because all of a sudden, you weren’t my Caroline.”
“I faked it because I haven’t had an orgasm in one thousand years,” I stated matter of factly.
“Come again?”
“I’m going across the hall to kick your door now,” I sighed, pulling away and shuffling through the sugar.
“Wait, wait, wait, you what? You haven’t had a what?” He grabbed for my hand as I turned back to him, with everything out in the open now.
“An orgasm, Simon. An orgasm. The Big O, the climax, the happy ending. No orgasms. Not for this Nightie Girl. Cory Weinstein can give me a five-percent discount whenever I want one, but in return, he took my O.” I sniffled, tears now coming to my eyes. “So you can go back to your harem. I’ll be entering the convent soon enough!” I cried, the dam finally breaking.
“Convent? What? Come here, please. Get your dramatic ass over here.” He pulled me unwillingly back to the kitchen and wrapped me in his arms. He rocked me back and forth as I let out ridiculous sobs and wails.
“You’re so…so…great…and I can’t…I can’t…you’re so good…in…bed…and everywhere else…and I can’t…I can’t…God…you’re so hot…when you came…so hot…and you came home…and I killed my brioche…and I…I…I think…I love you.”
All stop. Breathe. What did I just say?
“Caroline, hey, stop crying, you gorgeous girl. Mind running that last part by me again?”
I’d just told Simon I loved him. While my snot soaked into his North Face. I breathed in his scent, then peeled myself off of him and headed to the wall to peel off the dough stuck there. Nerves sprang to life, for once working for us. Could I cover? Could I rally?
“Which part?” I asked the wall—and Clive, who had stopped playing with his nuts to listen in.
“That last part,” I heard him say, his voice strong and clear.
“I killed my brioche?” I hedged.
“You really think that’s the part I’m asking about?”
“Um, no?”
“Try again.”
“I don’t wanna.”
“Caroline—wait, what’s your middle name?”
“Elizabeth.”
“Caroline Elizabeth,” he warned, in a deep voice that unexpectedly made me giggle.
“Brioche is really good, when it’s not flavored with wall,” I blurted, my exhaustion mixing with my confession for an odd buzz. I actually felt a little relieved.
“Turn around, please,” he asked, and so I did. He leaned against the counter, unzipping his snotty North Face. “I’m a bit jetlagged, so a quick recap, if I could. One, you seem to have lost your orgasm, yes?”
“Yes,” I mumbled, watching as he took off his fleece, throwing it over the back of one of my chairs.
“Two, brioche is really hard to make, yes?”
“Yes,” I breathed, not able to take my gaze away from him. Underneath the North Face was a white button-down. Which was good enough on its own, but couple that with the way he was slowly and methodically rolling up the sleeves? It was mesmerizing.
“And three, you think you love me?” he asked, his voice deep and thick, like molasses and honey and all things afghan—blanket, not country.
“Yes,” I whispered, knowing it was one hundred percent the truth. I loved Simon. Big, giant dur.
“You think, or you know?”
“I know.”
“Well, now. That’s something to consider, isn’t it?” he replied, his eyes dancing as he drew near. “You really have no idea, do you?” He spread his hands along my collarbone, brushing his thumbs across the very tops of my breasts.
My breathing quickened, my body sparking to life in spite of myself. “No idea about what?” I murmured, allowing him to press me against the wall.
“How thoroughly you own me, Nightie Girl,” he said, leaning in to whisper this part in my ear. “And I know I love you enough to want you to have your happy ending.”
And then he kissed me—Heart was in heaven—kissed me like it was a fairy tale, even though in this fairy tale I had dough sticking to my back and a cat with a pawful of nuts. But that didn’t stop me from kissing him back as though my life depended on it.
“Did you know I started falling for you the night you banged on my door?” he asked, kissing my neck. “And that I as soon as I started to get to know you, I wasn’t with anyone else?”
I gasped. “But I thought, I mean, I saw you with—”
“I know what you thought, but it’s true. How could I be with anyone else when I was falling in love with you?”
He loved me! But wait, what’s this? He was backing away…where was he going?
“And now, I’m going to do something I never thought I would do.” He sighed mournfully, looking at the stacks of bread on the table. With a deep breath and a grimace, in one fell swoop he knocked them all to the floor. Bread rained down in foil-covered bricks around us, and I can’t be sure, but I think I heard a tiny whine escape as he watched them hit the floor. But then he turned to me, eyes dark and dangerous. He grabbed me and swung me up on the table before him, nudging my legs apart to stand between them.
“Do you have any idea how much fun we’re going to have?” he asked, slipping his hands inside my apron, warm and a little rough on my tummy.
“What are you up to?”
“An O has been lost, and I’m a sucker for a challenge.” He grinned, pulling me to the edge of the table and snugly in to him. With his hands behind my knees, he wrapped my legs around his waist, kissing me again, lips and tongue hot and persistent.
“It’s not going to be easy. She’s pretty lost,” I protested between kisses, worrying his buttons open and exposing his Spanish suntan.
“I’m done with easy.”
“You should print that on cards.”
“Print this—why do you still have clothes on?”
He laid me back across the table as I grinned up at him. My foot hit the flour sifter and sent it crashing to the floor, dusting us thoroughly in the process. Simon’s hair looked like a biscuit, powdery and puffy. I coughed and a plume of flour came out, making Simon laugh out loud. The laughing stopped when I reached down for him, finding him hard, yet still covered in denim. He groaned, my favorite sound in the world.
“F*ck, Caroline, I love your hands on me,” he said through his teeth, dipping his mouth to my neck and leaving a trail of white-hot kisses across my skin. His tongue swept out across me, underneath the edge of my apron. Hands quickly found the bottom of my tank top, and it went sailing across the room, into the kitchen sink. Within seconds, a pair of shorts found themselves swimming alongside, quickly followed by a pair of jeans and a white button-down.
The apron? Well, we were having a little trouble with that one.
“Are you a sailor? Who tied this knot, Popeye?” he seethed, struggling to get it undone. In his struggles, he managed to knock over a bowl of orange marmalade glaze, which now dripped down the table and on to the floor. My contribution was to flip over a carton of raisins while I craned my neck trying to see the knot behind me.
“Oh, screw the apron, Simon. Look here,” I insisted, snapping the front of my bra and tossing it to the floor. I pulled down the top of the apron, arranging and propping up my cleavage. Pie eyed, he looked at my now-naked breasts and went in for the kill. I was pushed roughly back on to the table once more, his insistent mouth now dragging down my neck, attacking my skin like it had done something personal to him and he was exacting his revenge. And a lustful revenge it was.
Dipping a finger into the marmalade puddle, he traced a path from one breast to the other, circling and pressing the sticky into my skin. Bending his head, he tasted one, then the other, both of us groaning at the same time.
“Mmm, you taste good.”
“I’m glad I wasn’t making hot wings. This could be a different story—wow, that’s nice.” I sighed as he responded to my smart-assery with an actual bite.
“These would be extra spicy.”
He laughed as I rolled my eyes.
“Want me to get some celery to cool you down?” I asked.
“No one’s cooling down in this apartment, not anytime soon,” he promised, grabbing the jar of honey from the nearby counter and pulling aside my apron. Without missing a beat, he got my panties all wet. And not in the way you think, although there was that…
As I watched, he poured the honey all over me, covering my panties and making me squeal. He stood back to admire. “Look at that, those are ruined. They’re going to have to come off,” he said as he came close again. I stopped him with a marmalade foot.
“You first, Mr. Man,” I instructed, nodding at his flour-covered boxers. He raised an eyebrow, and dropped the boxers. Standing naked in my wreck of a kitchen, he was insanely cute.
In that instant, Heart, Brain, Backbone, and LC lined up on one side of the playground. They beckoned for Nerves, waving her over like a game of Red Rover. I looked at Simon, naked and floury and perfect, and I sighed with a giant smile. Nerves finally, blessedly, scampered over, and we were finally all on the same page.
“I f*cking love you, Simon.”
“I love you too, Nightie Girl. Now lose the panties and gimme some sugar.”
“Come and get it,” I laughed, sitting up and sliding my panties down my honey-dripped legs. I threw them at him, and they hit his chest with a loud thwack, the honey dripping everywhere.
“We’re going to need one helluva shower after all this,” I remarked as he wrapped me in his sticky arms.
“That’ll be round two.” He smiled, picking me up and carrying me to the bedroom, my body aligned with his, only the apron between us. And that wasn’t going to keep us apart for long.
Did I need an O? I mean, was it necessary for life? Being near Simon, being so close to him, wrapped up in his arms and feeling him move inside me, was it enough?
For now, it was. I loved him, you see…
He dropped me on the bed, and I bounced a little, rolling sideways and making the headboard bang a bit.
“You gonna bang my walls, Simon?” I laughed.
“You have no idea,” he promised, and scrunched my apron out of the way as I sighed and threw my arms over my head. I lazed backward, with a giant smile on my face. His fingers walked down over my tummy, my hips, my thighs, finally reaching me. After a gentle nudge, I let my legs fall open. He licked his lips and sank to his knees.
He touched and tasted me as he had in Spain, but it was different. It still felt amazing, but I was different. I was relaxed. Twisting and turning his fingers, he found that spot, the one that made my back arch and my moans grow deep. He groaned into me, causing me to arch off the bed again, his lips and tongue finding me once more, deliberate. My hands sought my breasts, and as he watched, I teased my nipples, bringing them taut once more.
Again, I had the distinct honor of feeling his mouth, his wonderful mouth, on me. I seized up, my entire body tensing at the sizzle of energy that ran through me, and then I relaxed once more. I started to feel, really feel everything going on inside at that moment. Love. I felt love. And I felt loved…
Here in the daytime, where nothing could be hidden, everything was on display—and covered in messy stuff—I was being loved by this man. No fairy tale, no waves crashing, no flickering candles. Real life. A real life fairy tale where I was being loved by this man. And I mean looooved by this man.
Tongue. Lips. Fingers. Hands. All of it dedicated to me and my pleasure. A girl could get used to this.
I could feel the sweet tension begin to build, but this time my body received it differently. My body, perfectly in tune for once, was ready, and in my mind, behind closed eyes, I saw myself begin to approach that cliff. In my head, I grinned, because I knew this time I was gonna catch that bitch. And then? Really amazing things began to happen down below. Long gorgeous fingers pressed inside me, twisting, and curving, and finding that secret spot. Lips and tongue encircled that other spot, sucking and licking, pressing and pulsing. Tiny pricks of light began to dance behind my eyelids, intense and wild.
“Oh, God…Simon…that’s so…good…don’t…stop…don’t…stop…”
I groaned loud, louder, and then louder still, unable to contain the sounds I was making. It was so good, so good, so very, very good, so close, so close…
And then the screaming began. And it was not my own.
Out of the corner of my eye, I became aware of some kind of furry missile racing across the floor.
Like some kind of pussified dive bomb, Clive ran at Simon, leaped, and dug into his back, attacking him from behind.
Simon ran from the bedroom into the hallway, then back in again, Clive still latched on like some kind of rabid coonskin back cap that would not shake off. He had his arms—does a cat have arms?—wrapped around Simon’s neck in a way that under other circumstances would have seemed like an adorable cat hug. But right now, he meant business.
I ran after them, naked except for my apron, trying to get Simon to slow down, but with those ten claws digging deeper in, he continued running from room to room.
The irony that Simon was literally trying to run away from p-ssy was not lost on me.
If I could have watched from outside, rather than being involved, I would have peed myself. As it was, I was having a hard time stifling myself listening to Simon’s screams. I really must love him.
Finally, I backed them both into a corner, turned Simon around, resisted the urge to squeeze buns, and pried Clive loose. I quickly headed out to the living room and deposited him on the sofa with a thunk, patting him on the head once as a thank you for the defense, unwarranted as it was. Clive responded with a prideful meow and began licking his whiskers.
I went back into the kitchen to find Simon, still huddled against the wall. I appraised him, his eyes wild as he leaned against the wall, wincing at his back. My gaze was drawn lower. Unbelievable.
He
Was
Still
Hard.
He saw my eyes travel down his body, reminiscent of the first time we met face to face. He nodded sheepishly.
“You’re still hard,” I blurted, breathing heavily as I tried once more to untie my apron.
“Yeah.”
“That’s amazing.”
“You’re amazing.”
“Ah, f*ck,” I huffed, giving up on the knot.
“Yes, please.”
I paused for a split second, then whirled the apron around to my back in one swift movement. I leaped across the room, my apron flying behind me like a low-rider cape and crashed into him, driving him up against the wall as I assaulted him. He caught me as I wrapped around him like a feisty blanket, kissing him furiously. My nails raked down his chest, and he gasped.
“Your back okay?” I asked between kisses.
“I’ll live. Your cat, however…”
“He’s protective. He thought you were hurting Mommy.”
“Was I?”
“Oh no, quite the opposite.”
“Really?”
“Hell yes,” I cried, sliding against him, manipulating my body against his, honey and sugar slick and gritty between us.
I dragged myself down his body, stopping to kiss the very tip of him. I pulled him down onto the floor with me and flipped him onto his back so quickly a puff of flour clouded the air. There, in the middle of the kitchen, naked with marmalade dotting my breasts, I straddled him. Raising up just a little bit, I caught his hands and encouraged him to grab my hips.
“You’re gonna want to hold on for this,” I whispered, and sank down onto him. We both sighed at the same time, the feeling of him inside me once more just amazing. I arched my back and flexed my hips experimentally…once…twice…a third time. It really was true what they said about riding a bike. My body remembered this just as quickly.
With my stupid apron riding bitch behind me, I began to move above Simon, feeling him move inside me, responding and rewarding, thrusting and never relenting. Driving, pushing, we moved together—actually even moving across the kitchen floor a little. He sat up underneath me, moving deeper into me as I cried out. My hands were wild in his hair. It was standing straight up beneath my fingers as I took hold, anchoring myself as I closed my eyes and began.
Began that long march to the edge of the cliff.
I could see the edge, high above the raging waters. As I peeked over the edge, I saw her. O. She waved at me, diving under and over the water like a sexual porpoise. Crafty little bitch.
Simon was kissing my neck, licking and sucking my skin, making me insane.
I stuck one foot over the edge, pointing my toes directly at her, rolling my ankle and waving little circles in the air in her direction.
Little circles.
I pushed Simon back onto the floor, grabbed his hand in mine, and brought it between my legs. I rode him hard, pressing my fingers against his, my cries getting louder as we sped up our rocking, both of us, in tune and right there. Right there. Right, right, right…there…
“Caroline, Jesus, you…are…amazing…love…you…so…much…killing…me…”
And that’s the little extra I needed.
In my head, I took one step back, then dove. Not jumped. Dove. Executed a perfect swan dive, thank you very much, straight into the water. Clean and true, I grabbed onto her and didn’t let go as I slipped into the water.
The O had returned.
White noise filled my ears as my toes and fingers got the news first. They tingled, tiny fizzles and sparks of energy spinning up and out, driving through every nerve and every cell that had been starving for this for months. These cells told other cells, communicating to their sisters that something fantastic was happening. Color exploded behind my eyelids, bursting brightly into tiny little sensory fireworks as the feeling continued to spread to every corner of my body. Pure pleasure shot through me, pulsing and slicing, filling me up as I shook and shimmied on top of Simon, who hung on through the entire thing.
I don’t know if he could see the choirs of dirty angels singing, but no matter. I could. And it was the definition of bliss.
O came back, and she brought friends.
Wave after wave crashed through me as Simon and I continued to press and twist, arching into every single one of them. My head was thrown back as I continued to scream lustfully, not caring who or what could hear me in my own House of Orgasm.
I opened my eyes at one point to see Simon below me, frantic and happy, smiling big as he stayed with me through it all, his strenuous effort clear across his face as the flour in his hair turned into a wonderful little paste.
He was becoming papier-maché.
Still onward I thrashed, passing through the land of multiples and into some kind of no man’s land. Passing six and seven, my body became limp with ecstasy.
But O brought one more friend. She brought along G, the Holy Grail.
Stuttering like an idiot, I grasped hold of Simon, holding on for dear life as the biggest tidal wave of love and toe-curling heat hit me like a ton of bricks. Sensing I needed help for this one, Simon sat up, which positioned him even more uniquely. He found a spot deep inside, hidden to most, and he leaned into me, driving himself over and over again as I held my breath and hung on tight.
I finally opened my eyes again, seeing light spark around the room as oxygen rushed back into my system. I babbled incomprehensibly into his chest as he rocked into me again and again, finally finding his own kind of amazing somewhere deep inside me.
I held onto him, feeling the waves finally retreat, both of us shaking now. As we panted, the pleasure left and the love simply rushed in, filling me back up again. My mouth was too tired to move. He had taken my breath away. So I did the best I could, I placed his hand over my heart and kissed his sweet face. He seemed to understand, and kissed me back. I hummed with happiness. Humming didn’t take as much effort.
Utterly spent and exhausted, punch drunk and covered in sticky sweat, I lay back against his legs, not caring a bit how contorted and ridiculous I looked as tension tears ran down the sides of my face and into my ears. Sensing this was not the most comfortable position for me, Simon moved out from under me and helped to unbend my pretzel legs before cradling me in his arms on the kitchen floor.
We lay quietly, not speaking for a while. I noticed Clive sitting just inside the doorway to the bedroom licking his paws quietly.
All was good.
When movement seemed possible, I tried to sit up, the room spinning a little. Simon kept one arm around me as we appraised the situation, the overturned bowls and bottles, the scattered bread, the chaos that was my kitchen. I laughed quietly and turned to him. He watched me with happy eyes.
“Should we clean this up?” he asked.
“No, let’s shower.”
“’Kay,” he answered, helping me up.
I cracked my back like an old lady, wincing at the good hurt my body felt. I started for the bathroom, then changed direction, heading for the fridge. I grabbed a bottle of Gatorade and tossed it to him. “You’re gonna need it.” I winked, flouncing my apron on my way to the shower. Now that the O was back, I planned to waste no time in summoning her again.
As Simon followed me to the bathroom, taking a swig of Gatorade, Clive suddenly flopped onto the floor, rolling over on his back. He seemed to be waving Simon over with his paws. Simon looked at me, and I shrugged. We both looked at Clive, who wiggled on his back, continuing to wave him over. Simon knelt right next to him, cautiously extending one hand. Winking at me—I swear to Christ he did—Clive wiggled a little closer. Knowing this could still be a trap, Simon cautiously reached down and rumpled the fur on his belly. Clive let him. I even heard a tentative purr.
I left the two boys alone for a moment and went to turn on the shower so it could heat up. I finally got the apron knot undone and was able to abandon it on the floor. Stepping under the spray, I moaned at the feeling of the warm water hitting my still-sensitive skin.
“You coming? ’Cause I sure did,” I called over the rush of the shower, laughing at my own joke. A moment later Simon poked back the corner of the shower curtain to watch me naked and covered in bubbles. He smiled like the devil as he climbed in. I drew in a breath at the sight of ten tiny punctures in his back, but he laughed it away.
“We’re good. I think we just made friends,” he assured, pulling me against him and joining me under the water.
I sighed, relaxing. “This is nice,” I murmured.
“Yeah.”
The water beat down around us. I was in the arms of my Simon, and it couldn’t get any better.
He pulled back a little, a question on his face. “Caroline?”
“Hmm?”
“Is any of that bread I threw on the floor…well…”
“Yes?”
“Is any of it zucchini?”
“Yes, Simon, there’s zucchini bread.”
Silence once again, but for the water.
“Caroline?”
“Hmm?”
“I didn’t think I could love you more, but I really kind of do.”
“I’m glad, Simon. Now gimme some sugar.”