Chapter Twenty-Two
Mia
There’s nothing.
No thoughts in my mind.
No pain in my body.
No ache in my heart.
Just one focus. One aim.
I slam on the brakes in the grocery store parking lot.
Sliding my sunglasses on, I grab my purse and head inside.
I get a cart. Then I hit the aisles.
There’s no conscious thought. Just need. Only need.
My cart is filling quickly. I’m eating already. A bag of chips already torn open and gone. A pack of candy half-eaten.
If people are staring, I don’t care to see.
The cashier attempts small talk. I don’t reply.
I bag my food, pay and leave.
Then I drive my car to the motel at the edge of town, the one I came to the other day.
Most people come to motels during the day to have affairs. I come to eat. To hide my shame.
Yet, in this moment it doesn’t feel so shameful anymore.
Just necessary.
A means to an end … an end I can’t currently see.
I check in at the desk. One night. I don’t need any more than that.
I just need to get this out of my system. Then I’m leaving town.
Once I have the key to my room, I go back to my car and get my bags of food.
I let myself in the room and dump the bags on the bed.
It’s not the room I was in the other day, but it looks exactly the same.
The same cheap, dirty, stale overused room. It feels right to be here.
That’s what I am. Cheap, stale and overused.
I foolishly let myself think otherwise. Let myself think I was worth something … that I meant something to someone … him.
Jordan.
It hurts to think his name.
I bang my hands against my forehead, forcing him out, but he won’t go.
So I go over to the age old television and turn it on. I want to drown out the pain in my head with meaningless, but the knowledge still creeps in and cripples me.
Music from the television flows into the room, filling every empty corner with Rihanna’s “Diamonds”.
Pain lances through me. I catch a sob with a fist to my mouth as I sink to the floor.
How could he…? How could she…?
Stop, Mia. Stop now.
You know how to take the pain away.
I crawl over to the bed and rip open the first thing I lay my hand on.
Shoving it in my mouth, I chew quickly, swallowing. There’s no taste. Just relief. The relief that always comes with this.
I drag a bag down from the bed, emptying its contents to the floor.
I tear open another packet – cookies. I shove them in my mouth, chewing, trying to eat as many as I can as quickly as possible.
But the food is sticking, like my body is ready to reject already.
I swallow hard, forcing it down, and grab the bottle of soda I bought, downing some, lubricating my dry throat.
Then I start in, eating harder than I ever have before.
***
I’m laying on the dirty floor of the room, staring up at the cracked ceiling. Nearly all the food is gone, my body is drenched in sweat, and my stomach hurts like I’ve never known before.
I’ve eaten more than I ever have before.
But the feeling is soothing because it’s better to feel the painful ache of the food in my stomach, than to feel the crippling agony threatening to shred my heart to pieces.
My mother abandoned me to raise him.
Jordan.
The man I’m in love with.
I’m truly that worthless.
I struggle to my feet. I’m going to be sick. But I hold it back.
I need the relief of doing this to myself.
Struggling my way to the bathroom, I kneel at the toilet. Fingers pressed together, I push back in my throat, and rid myself of the pain trying to consume me.
***
It’s still here. It didn’t work.
No.
They’ve taken this from me too.
My ability to stop feeling. To stop the pain from taking me over. And now it’s here, and my ribs feel as if they’re going to crack from the absolute agony that’s tearing through me.
No. No. No. No!
I hate him.
I hate her.
I’m glad she’s dead.
Crawling out of the bathroom, I struggle to my feet. My legs feel numb, my head woozy.
I stagger over to the bed. Scouring through the mess of empty bags and wrappers and containers that litter the bed and floor, I find some food. A bag of popcorn and some peanut butter cups.
No! I need more than this.
I check the bed for more food, but nothing.
Ripping open the popcorn, I shove it into my mouth, handfuls at a time, retching as I swallow, but I don’t care, I push through. Then I switch to the peanut butter cups. When they’re gone, I get down on my hands and knees, rummaging through the trash on the floor.
I find a jar of chocolate spread which had rolled under the bed. I crack it open and start scooping it out with my hand, shoveling it in my mouth.
Then the food’s gone, and I’m nowhere near full, but it’ll have to do. I stumble back to the bathroom, stand over the sink, and force the food back up.
Running the water, I try to wash the sick away, but the plug is blocked. There’s chocolate all over my hands and arms. Vomit in the sink. I lift my head and see myself in the mirror above it.
Disgusting.
Food is smeared across my mouth, my face … in my hair. There’s vomit on me.
I’m disgusting.
I don’t hate them – Jordan. Anna.
I hate me.
Anger that I’ve never allowed myself to feel tears through me. I slam my fist into the mirror.
It shatters, small shards falling into the sink.
Blood drips down from my hand landing on the white tiles beneath my feet.
But I don’t feel the pain in my hand, only the pain in my heart.
I close my eyes on the flood.
The self-hate. The disgust. The loss. The helplessness.
The gates open up, and it all comes washing in – fierce, like the force of a tsunami.
I grip the sink, opening my eyes, but I can’t see for the hot, burning tears.
I need to get out of here. I need more … something, anything.
Moving too quickly, shadows dance before my eyes, blinding me, taunting me. I stumble around the bathroom, searching for the doorway.
I’ve overdone it.
I’m going to black-out.
F*ck.
I reach my hand out for support, finding none, and it’s too late, I’m going down … hard.