“You do share certain of her attributes,” he went on. “Kindness, loyalty, courage. Naturally I admire those qualities in you. But you look nothing like her, I promise. And when it comes to the hearing, or lack of it—if anything, I’m more poised to see the differences. My mother was born deaf. You were deafened by illness. It’s an entirely separate thing. I can say to you, the pianoforte is out of tune, and though you don’t hear it, you understand exactly what I mean. Not so with my mother. But she and Anna and the others downstairs, they notice things—little subtleties of sights and smells and textures—that you and I would never think to heed.” He smiled. “If it helps, they don’t see you as one of them either. They’ll be gracious to you, but that’s because you’re with me.”
She thought of Anna’s bewildered expression when Lily confessed she couldn’t sign, and her message on the slate: Friend of Jamie welcome.
“Is that your name, then? Jamie?”
He shook his head. “Not really. It’s just what they’ve always called me here. As an adult, I began going by Julian.”
“So it is your real name. Julian.”
He shook his head again. “No. I don’t think so.”
“I’m so confused.”
“My mother was illiterate. She could barely recognize the letters of the alphabet. When she took me to be christened, she and the priest couldn’t make one another out. He grew frustrated and just picked a name. Wrote it in the register and pointed, but all my mother could catch was the first letter, J.”
“So you don’t even know your given name?”
“Of course I do. It’s this.” Bringing both hands together, he made the sign for the letter J and tapped it twice against his heart. “That’s my given name.”
The tears pressed again at the corners of her eyes. With every minute that passed in this cramped attic, she realized how little she truly knew about him. And now she might never have the chance to learn. “I wish I could have known your mother.”
“I wish you could have, too.” He pushed a hand through his hair. “I wish a great many things were different.”
“So let’s change them. Tell me everything. Whatever your difficulty, we’ll work together to find a solution.”
“We can’t change the world, Lily. And the difficulty is here, between us. You’re a lady of noble birth, and I have you crouched on the floor of a dusty garret, chilled through and weeping. Last night, I was a minute away from deflowering you in a damp, reeking alleyway.”
Really? He would have taken her virtue last night, there in the street? The thought both repulsed and thrilled her.
“If you’d come to harm last night … I couldn’t have lived with myself today. I don’t need to remind you how I put Leo in danger, or what happened as a result.”
Not this again. “Julian, I asked for everything we did last night. And then some. I’m responsible for my own choices. Leo wanted to attend that boxing match, and he did so of his own accord. You are not to blame for what happened to him afterward.”
His eyes flashed. “How do you know that? I was supposed to be with him that night. I have enemies, Lily. Perhaps the men who killed him were really hoping to kill me.”
“That’s madness. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to kill you.”
“Of course you can’t. I’ve been very careful to keep those reasons from you. I’ll be damned if I’ll expose you to them now.”
She shook her head. “I can’t believe this. You admit you’re a lowborn, unrepentant scoundrel with a criminal history and an insatiable taste for women and revenge. But I’m where you draw the line?”
“Yes. If I have it in me to do one truly decent thing in my life, it’s going to be this. Leaving you be.”
“Then you really are a bastard. Can you possibly understand how patronizing that is?” She gave a bitter sniff. “You’re so very careful with me. Because I’m so pure and delicate and deaf, you’re a better person around me. I’m the lucky object of your scruples. Meanwhile, you’ll blithely dally with any number of women you don’t respect. Perhaps I should take your advice and marry. If I married one of these lords you hate so fondly, maybe then you’d tup me too.”
Oh, God. Had she truly just spoken those words?
Color rose on his cheeks. He angled his gaze to the corner.
Yes. She had.
“Julian, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“No, don’t apologize. It was absolutely deserved. I am a bastard, Lily, in more ways than one. I’m glad you’re starting to see it. It makes this easier on us both.”
“Makes what easier? What is it we’re doing here?”
“We’re saying farewell.”
She choked back a sob, then buried her face in one hand.
His eyes pleaded with her as he pulled her hand away. “Try to understand. I have exactly two goals in my life right now. Justice for Leo, and security for you. And after last night, I must face facts. The first may always elude me. As for the second … It’s been proved beyond doubt, I can no longer be near you without endangering your health, your virtue, or both.”
Wiping her tears, she protested, “No one gives a fig for my virtue.”
“I give a fig for it. A great many figs. Several puddings’ worth. You should, too.”
How unforgivable of him, to make her laugh at a moment like this.
He went on, “You may say you want a lover—but you don’t, Lily. Not really. Take it from someone who knows, and who knows you. The slinking around to avoid discovery, the gossip and scorn if we were found out … it would weigh heavily on you. It wouldn’t end well.”
Three Nights with a Scoundrel (Stud Club #3)
Tessa Dare's books
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- Romancing the Duke
- Say Yes to the Marquess (BOOK 2 OF CASTLES EVER AFTER)
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- A Week to Be Wicked (Spindle Cove #2)
- A Lady by Midnight (Spindle Cove #3)
- Beauty and the Blacksmith (Spindle Cove #3.5)
- Any Duchess Will Do (Spindle Cove #4)
- One Dance with a Duke (Stud Club #1)
- Twice Tempted by a Rogue (Stud Club #2)