But she wasn’t seeing the sparse, dead land surrounding us. She was dreaming of another desert, canyoned and red, a magical place. She didn’t try to keep me out. In fact, she seemed almost unaware of my presence. I questioned again what her detachment meant. I sensed no thought of attack. It felt more like a preparation for the end.
She was living in a happier place in her memory, as if she were saying goodbye. It was a place she had never allowed me to see before.
There was a cabin, an ingenious dwelling tucked into a nook in the red sandstone, perilously close to the flash flood line. An unlikely place, far from any trail or path, built in what seemed a senseless location. A rough place, without any of the conveniences of modern technology. She remembered laughing at the sink one had to pump to pull water up from the ground.
“It beats pipes,” Jared says, the crease between his eyes deepening as his brows pull together. He seems worried by my laugh. Is he afraid I don’t like it? “Nothing to trace, no evidence that we’re here.”
“I love it,” I say quickly. “It’s like an old movie. It’s perfect.”
The smile that never truly leaves his face—he smiles even in his sleep—grows wide. “They don’t tell you the worst parts in the movies. C’mon, I’ll show you where the latrine is.”
I hear Jamie’s laughter echo through the narrow canyon as he runs ahead of us. His black hair bounces with his body. He bounces all the time now, this thin boy with the sun-darkened skin. I hadn’t realized how much weight those narrow shoulders were carrying. With Jared, he is positively buoyant. The anxious expression has faded, replaced by grins. We are both more resilient than I gave us credit for.
“Who built this place?”
“My father and older brothers. I helped, or rather hindered, a little. My dad loved to get away from everything. And he didn’t care much about convention. He never bothered to find out who the land actually belonged to or file permits or any of that pesky stuff.” Jared laughs, throwing his head back. The sun dances off the blond bits in his hair. “Officially, this place doesn’t exist. Convenient, isn’t it?” Without seeming to think about it, he reaches out and takes my hand.
My skin burns where it meets his. It feels better than good, but it sets off a strange aching in my chest.
He is forever touching me this way, always seeming to need to reassure himself that I am here. Does he realize what it does to me, the simple pressure of his warm palm next to mine? Does his pulse jump in his veins, too? Or is he just happy to not be alone anymore?
He swings our arms as we walk beneath a little stand of cottonwood trees, their green so vivid against the red that it plays tricks on my eyes, confusing my focus. He is happy here, happier than in other places. I feel happy, too. The feeling is still unfamiliar.
He hasn’t kissed me since that first night, when I screamed, finding the scar on his neck. Does he not want to kiss me again? Should I kiss him? What if he doesn’t like that?
He looks down at me and smiles, the lines around his eyes crinkling into little webs. I wonder if he is as handsome as I think he is, or if it’s just that he’s the only person left in the whole world besides Jamie and me.
No, I don’t think that’s it. He really is beautiful.
“What are you thinking, Mel?” he asks. “You seem to be concentrating on something very important.” He laughs.
I shrug, and my stomach flutters. “It’s beautiful here.”
He looks around us. “Yes. But then, isn’t home always beautiful?”
“Home.” I repeat the word quietly. “Home.”
“Your home, too, if you want it.”
“I want it.” It seems like every mile I’ve walked in the past three years has been toward this place. I never want to leave, though I know we’ll have to. Food doesn’t grow on trees. Not in the desert, at least.
He squeezes my hand, and my heart punches against my ribs. It’s just like pain, this pleasure.
There was a blurring sensation as Melanie skipped ahead, her thoughts dancing through the hot day until hours after the sun had fallen behind the red canyon walls. I went along, almost hypnotized by the endless road stretching ahead of me, the skeletal bushes flying by with mind-numbing sameness.
I peek into the one narrow little bedroom. The full-size mattress is only inches away from the rough stone walls on either side.
It gives me a deep, rich sense of joy to see Jamie asleep on a real bed, his head on a soft pillow. His lanky arms and legs sprawl out, leaving little room for me where I am meant to sleep. He is so much bigger in reality than the way I see him in my head. Almost ten—soon he won’t be a child at all. Except that he will always be a child to me.
Jamie breathes evenly, sleeping sound. There is no fear in his dream, for this moment at least.
I shut the door quietly and go back to the small couch where Jared waits.
“Thank you,” I whisper, though I know shouting the words wouldn’t wake Jamie now. “I feel bad. This couch is much too short for you. Maybe you should take the bed with Jamie.”