Chapter 24
AFTER DELORES LEAVES, I pick up my briefcase and head out the door. To my meeting with the skywriter. I still have to figure out how to get Kate on the roof. Speaking of Kate…
Want to swing by her office on the way out? See how her and the good Sister are getting along?
Her door’s open. I brace my hands on the frame and lean in. Can you see her through the balloons? Sitting at her desk, with her hands folded on top—a smile stuck on her face as she nods obediently to whatever Sister Beatrice is saying.
“Ladies. How are we doing this afternoon?”
Kate turns to me. And her voice is strained. “Drew. There you are. I was just thinking about you”—from the way she’s gripping her hands together, it looks like she was thinking about strangling me—“while Sister Beatrice here was telling me the fascinating tale of glass houses. And how those of us who live in them shouldn’t throw stones.”
She’s still smiling. But her eyes say something else entirely.
It’s a little creepy.
You know in Texas Chainsaw Massacre when the old man smiles just before he slits the girl’s throat? Yeah—it’s kind of like that.
Sister Beatrice looks at the ceiling. “We are all imperfect in the eyes of the Lord. Katherine, may I use yer facilities, dear? Nature is calling.”
“Of course, Sister.” They stand, and Kate opens the door to her adjoining washroom.
And as soon as that door closes, Smiley Kate goes bye-bye. Mad Kate takes her place. She marches toward me.
And the balloons run for their lives.
“I’m going to ask you this one time, and if you lie to me, I swear I’ll let Delores poison you.”
“Okay.”
“Is she a real nun? Or some actress you hired?”
I laugh. I didn’t even think of that. “No, she’s real.”
Kate is not pleased. “God, Drew! A nun? A f*cking nun? This is low. Even for you.”
“I think she’s technically a Mother Superior now.”
I lean in closer to Kate because…well, just because I can…and the smell of her lotion hits me. Hard. I resist the urge to put my nose against her skin and sniff like a cocaine addict.
“Is there any level you won’t sink to to get your way?”
Nope. Sorry. Not a one. I don’t mind getting down and dirty.
Actually, I prefer it that way.
“Desperate times…I had to call out the big guns.”
“You want to see guns? As soon as the Flying Nun leaves my office, I’ll show you guns! I can’t believe—”
God, she’s beautiful. I mean, look at her. She’s like a volcano going off—fierce and fiery and breathtaking. If she doesn’t find a way to ugly herself down, I’m going to be spending an awful lot of time pissing her off.
Which might not be such a bad thing in the end. Angry sex is awesome.
I cut off Kate’s rant. “As titillating as this conversation has been—and believe me, it’s been very—I have a meeting to get to.”
Before I go, I motion toward her bare neck. “Hey, why aren’t you wearing your necklace?”
She folds her arms and smiles proudly. “I donated it to Sister Beatrice. For the less fortunate.”
Played that one well, didn’t she?
I can play too.
“That’s very generous. Of course, I’ll have to replace it for you. With something…bigger. You should expect another delivery tomorrow.”
Her smile turns upside down. And she smacks a rogue balloon out of the way.
Then she slams the door in my face.
I wait two seconds before calling through it, “Okay. I’ll see you later, Kate. Good talk.”
From inside, I hear Sister Beatrice’s voice: “Did Andrew leave already? Such a sweet boy he is. And devoted too, when he sets his heart to a task. Let me tell you about the time he weeded the convent’s garden. It’s a long story, but we ’ave all afternoon. There was a scuffle in the lunch room, you see…”
Traffic was a bitch and a half. Both ways. But I worked out the particulars with the skywriter. He was suiting up when I left. I now have just enough time to get to Kate’s office and get her to the roof. If she won’t come willingly, I’m just going to pick her up and carry her. Although I’d feel a lot better about the idea if I had a cup on.
Kate is definitely a kicker.
I sprint through the lobby and push the button for the elevator. But what I see when the doors open stops me cold.
It’s The Bitch, with Mackenzie at her side. And in my niece’s perfect little hands are strings. A dozen of them. Strings that are tied to balloons. Kate’s balloons.
“F*ck me.”
“Well, that’s a nice way to greet your doting sister and her daughter.”
Had I said that out loud? Doesn’t matter.
F*ck f*ck f*ckity f*ck.
This is bad—very bad. Like an F-five tornado kind of bad, except my sister is capable of leaving more damage behind.
“Hi, Uncle Drew!”
I smile. “Hi, sweetheart.” Then I scowl. “What the hell did you do, Alexandra?”
Her eyes widen innocently. Like she’s surprised. “Me? I came to meet my husband for lunch. Is that a crime?”
When I was in junior high, a kid named Chris Whittle sucker punched me when I was coming out of trigonometry. I had hooked up with his girlfriend. She had talented hands.
Anyway, the next day, Alexandra paid Chris a little visit—and made him piss his pants.
Literally.
See, according to The Bitch Code, she can f*ck with me all she wants to, but no one else is allowed. Now do you see why I’m concerned?
“You went to see Kate, didn’t you?”
Mackenzie answers for her, “We did, Uncle Drew! She’s great. Kate gave me dees balloons and a calculator! See?” She holds it over her head like it’s the Stanley Cup, and I can’t help but smile.
“That’s terrific, Mackenzie.”
Then I glare at Alexandra again.
She’s not concerned. “You said you wanted Mackenzie to meet Kate.”
If you put two pregnant hamsters in the same cage, you know what they’ll do? Eat each other. Female hormones are like undetonated warheads. There’s just no way to tell when they’re going to go the f*ck off.
“Yes, I wanted Mackenzie to meet Kate. I didn’t want you meeting Kate until I was done smoothing things the hell over.”
Mackenzie takes my friend the Bad Word Jar out of her backpack and holds it up. I put two dollars in.
She sticks her face in the mouth of the jar and looks up at me with a frown. “Um…Uncle Drew? Bad words no cost one dollar no more. They cost ten.”
“Ten? Since when?”
She’s excited. “It was Kate’s idea. She say the maconomy is bad.”
What the hell is the maconomy?
“She call it in…in…”
“Inflation.” Alexandra finishes with a smile.
“Yeah, that.”
Inflation.
Great.
Thanks, Kate.
I raise my brows at Mackenzie. “Do you take American Express?” She giggles. I pay my fine in cash. “How about you add up the rest on your calculator, honey?”
She’s going to need it. I have a feeling this little discussion is going to put me in the triple digits.
“What did you say to Kate?” I ask Alexandra.
She shrugs. “We talked, one woman to another. I appealed to her business sense. It went well. You really don’t need to know all the details.”
“Why don’t you let me decide what I need to know. Considering you shouldn’t have f*cking talked to her at all.”
Tap-tap-tap goes the calculator.
“Ungrateful much? I was just trying to help.”
Dr. Kevorkian was just trying to help his patients too. And we all know how they turned out.
“I don’t need your help. I have a plan.”
Alexandra’s hands go to her hips. “Right. Your master plan that entails what, exactly? Annoying Kate until she agrees to go out with you? You gonna call her names on the playground too? Pull on her braids? I have to admit, Sister Beatrice was an interesting touch. I can’t believe Kate isn’t falling on her knees, begging you to take her back after that. Very romantic, Drew.”
My jaw clenches. “It’s. Working.”
She raises a brow. “That’s not what Kate said.”
And there she is. Take a good look.
The Bitch in all her glory.
And you thought I was overreacting.
“Did she say something to you? About me? What did she say?”
She waves her hand in the air. “Oh, this and that.”
You know how some kids like to tease their dogs by showing them a bone and then yanking it away before they can bite it? My sister was one of those kids.
“Goddamnit, Lex.”
Tap-tap-tap.
“I like her, by the way,” she says. “She really doesn’t take any shit does she?”
Tap-tap-tap.
“How do you know she doesn’t take any shit?”
Tap-tap-tap.
“Did you give her shit, Lex?”
Tap-tap-tap.
“What kind of shit did you give her, Alexandra?”
Tap-tap-tap.
She laughs. “My God, would you relax. I haven’t seen you this wound up in…well, never. Now that you’re not pathetic and sad, it’s actually kind of fun.”
My status with Kate at the moment is like a house of cards. I’ve managed to build myself up a few floors, but one small tremor and the whole damn thing falls apart.
“If you f*cked this up for me, I’ll—”
Tap-tap-tap.
“You know stress causes premature gray hair. If you keep this up, you’re going to look like Daddy before you turn thirty.”
“I’m glad you find this so amusing. I don’t. We’re talking about my frigging life here.”
That sobers her up. Her head tilts to the side. Appraising me. And then her voice isn’t teasing anymore.
It’s tender, sincere.
“I’m proud of you, you know. You’re sticking this out. Seeing it through. You’re…all grown up.” She smiles softly. “Never thought I’d see the day.” And then she hugs me. “It’ll be okay, Drew. Promise.”
When I was eight, my grandfather had a heart attack. After my parents left for the hospital, Alexandra promised me everything would be okay.
It wasn’t.
“Did Kate tell you that?”
She shakes her head. “Not in so many words.”
“Then how do you know?”
She shrugs again. “It’s the estrogen. It gives us ESP. If you had a vagina, you’d know too.”
Mackenzie raises her hand proudly. “I have a bagina.”
I smirk. “Yes, you do sweetheart. And someday, it’s gonna help you rule the world.”
“Johnny Fitzgerald has a penis. He say his penis is better than my bagina.”
“Johnny Fitzgerald’s an idiot. Vaginas beat penises every time. They’re like kryptonite. Penises are defenseless against them.”
My sister puts an end to our discussion. “O-kay. That’s enough of that lovely conversation. Although I’m sure Mackenzie’s preschool teacher will enjoy hearing all about it. Right before she calls Child Protective Services on me.”
I put my hands up. “I’m just trying to tell her like it is. The sooner she realizes the power she has, the better off she’ll be.” I check my watch; I need to get upstairs. I look at Mackenzie. “What’s the damage, sweetie?”
“Eighty dollars.”
Ouch.
I need to start billing my clients more. Or work out some kind of payment plan.
As the bills fall into the jar, Alexandra takes her hand. “Come on Mackenzie, let’s go to the American Girl store and spend some of Uncle Drew’s money.”
“Okay!”
They walk across the lobby but stop at the double doors. Mackenzie whispers something to Alexandra and hands over her balloons.
Then she runs back to me.
I scoop her up and hold her tight as her little arms come around my shoulders and squeeze.
“I love you, Uncle Drew.”
You ever drink brandy? Usually I’m more of a whiskey man myself. But a good glass of brandy warms you all over, from the inside. And that’s me—right now.
“I love you too, Mackenzie.”
She pulls back. “Guess what?”
“What?”
“Kate ask me what I wanna be when I grown up.”
I nod. “And did you tell her you want to be a princess?”
Her forehead creases adorably, and she shakes her head. “I no wanna be a princess no more.”
“Well, that’s a relief. What do you want to be?”
She grins. “A banker.”
“Fantastic choice. What made you change your mind?”
Her fingers play with the collar of my shirt as she tells me, “Well, Kate is a immessment banker, and you say you be proud of me to be jus’ like her. So tha’s what I wanna be.”
After her words sink in, I ask her seriously, “Mackenzie? Did you tell Kate that I said I wanted you to grow up to be just like her?”
You see that smile? That’s not the smile of a four-year-old child. That, ladies and gentlemen, is the smile of a genius.
“Yep.”
I close my eyes. And chuckle. I can’t believe I didn’t think of this myself. Mackenzie is the perfect weapon. My very own baby Borg. Resistance is futile.
“Sweetheart,” I say, “you did Uncle Drew a huge favor. Anything you want for Christmas—name it and it’s yours. And I mean anything.”
Her eyes widen at the possibilities. She glances at my sister and then whispers conspiratorially, “Can I have a pony?”
Oh, boy.
I think about it for exactly one second.
“Absolutely.”
She squeezes me tighter and squeals.
“Only…don’t tell mommy until after it’s delivered, okay?”
I may have to enter the witness protection program after this one.
Mackenzie kisses my cheek, and I set her on her feet. She skips back to Alexandra, and I wave as they walk out the door.