Chapter 11
THANKSGIVING IS HELD AT MY PARENTS’ COUNTRY HOUSE upstate every year. It’s always a small family affair. There’s my parents, of course. You’ve met my father. My mother is an older, shorter version of Alexandra. For all her strong feminist beliefs—she’d been a top-notch attorney before motherhood lured her away—she loves playing the happy homemaker. After she and my father hit the big-time financially, she also dedicated herself to various charitable organizations. It’s what she still does with most of her time now that Alexandra and I have flown the nest.
Then there’s Steven’s father, George Reinhart. Picture Steven thirty years from now with thinning hair and a serious case of crow’s feet. Mrs. Reinhart passed away when we were teenagers. To my knowledge, George hasn’t been out on a single date since. He spends a lot of time at work, quietly crunching numbers in his office. He’s a great guy.
And that brings us to the Fishers, Matthew’s parents. Can’t wait for you to see them. They’re a f*cking riot. Frank and Estelle Fisher are the most mellow people I’ve ever met.
They’re almost catatonic.
Imagine Ward and June Cleaver after they’ve smoked a giant bong of marijuana. That’s Frank and Estelle. You’d think Matthew’s parents would be a little more high-strung, wouldn’t you? I have a theory. They had Matthew later in life, and I think he sucked out any energy they had left—like a parasite.
Topping off the mix is Matthew, Steven, Alexandra, and myself.
Oh—and of course the other woman in my life. I can’t believe I haven’t mentioned her before. She is the only female to ever truly hold my heart in her hand. I am her slave. She asks, and I do.
Gladly.
Her name is Mackenzie. She’s got long blond hair and the biggest blue eyes you’ll ever see. She’s almost four. See her there? On the other end of the seesaw I’m currently riding.
“So, Mackenzie, have you decided what you want to be when you grow up?”
“Yep. I wanna be a princess. And I wanna marry a prince and live in a castle.”
I need to talk to my sister. Disney is dangerous. Corrosive brainwashing bullshit, if you ask me.
“Or, you could go into real estate. Then you could buy the castle yourself and you won’t need the prince.”
She thinks I’m funny. She laughs.
“Uncle Drew. How’s I gonna have a baby wit no prince?”
Oh, boy.
“You’ve got plenty of time for babies. After you get your masters in business or your medical degree. Oh, or you can be a CEO and start a daycare at your office. Then you can bring your babies to work with you every day.”
“Momma don’t go to a office.”
“Momma sold herself short, sweetie.”
My sister was a brilliant trial attorney. She could have gone all the way to the Supreme Court. Seriously. She was that good.
Alexandra worked throughout her entire pregnancy and had a nanny all lined up. Then she held Mackenzie in her arms for the first time. She told the nanny the same day her services wouldn’t be needed. Not that I blame her. I couldn’t imagine a more important job than making sure my perfect niece grows up happy and healthy.
“Uncle Drew?”
“Yes?”
“Is you gonna die alone?”
I smirk. “I don’t plan on dying for a long time, honey.”
“Momma says you gonna die alone. She tol’ Daddy that you gonna die and it be days till a cleanin’ lady find your rottin’ corpse.”
Lovely. Thank you, Alexandra.
“Wha’s a corpse, Uncle Drew?”
Wow.
I’m saved from having to answer when I see Matthew walking down the back steps into the yard.
“Hey, sweetie, look who’s here!” She hops off the seesaw and flings herself into Matthew’s open arms.
Before you ask, the answer is no—when she is older, my little darling will never hook up with a guy like me. She’ll be too smart for that. I’ll make sure of it. Guess that makes me a hypocrite, huh? That’s okay. I can live with that.
Matthew puts Mackenzie down and walks over. “Hey, man.”
“What’s up?”
“You go out early last night?” he asks me. “You never came back to the party.”
I shrug. “My head wasn’t in it. I hit the gym and went to bed.”
The truth is I spent three hours pounding the hell out of the punching bag, imagining all the while that it was Billy Warren’s face.
“You hung out with that Delores chick?”
He nods. “Her, Kate, and Billy.”
I shake my head. “That guy licks ass.”
Mackenzie walks over to us and holds up a glass jar half-filled with dollar bills. I slide a dollar into it.
“He’s not so bad.”
“Idiots annoy me.”
Mackenzie holds up the jar again, and in goes another dollar.
The jar?
It was invented by my sister, who apparently thinks my language is too harsh for her offspring. It’s the Bad Word Jar. Every time someone—usually me—swears, they have to pay a dollar. At this rate, that thing is going to put Mackenzie through college.
“So what’s the deal with you and Delores?”
He smiles. “We’re hanging out. She’s cool.”
Usually Matthew is more forthcoming with the details. It’s not like I get off on his stories, but you have to understand, Matthew and I have been friends since birth. That means every kiss, every breast, every hand job, blow job, pearl necklace, and lay has been shared and discussed.
And now he’s stonewalling me. What’s up with that?
“I’m assuming you’ve nailed her?”
He frowns. “It’s not like that, Drew.”
I’m confused. “Then what’s it like, Matthew? You haven’t hung out in over two weeks. I can understand you being too p-ssy-whipped to come out if you’re getting some. But if not, what’s the deal?”
He smiles in a nostalgic, remembering-a-happy-moment kind of way. “She’s just…different. It’s hard to explain. We talk, you know? And I’m always kind of thinking about her. It’s like the minute I drop her off, I can’t wait to see her again. She just…amazes me. I wish you knew what I meant.”
And the scary thing is—I know exactly what he means.
“You’re in dangerous territory, man. You see what Steven goes through. This path leads to the Dark Side. We always said we wouldn’t go there. You sure about this?”
Matthew smiles, and in his best Darth Vader voice tells me, “You don’t know the power of the Dark Side.”
It’s dinnertime. My mother makes a big show of bringing out the turkey, and everyone oohs and ahhs before my father carves it up. That’s right—Norman f*cking Rockwell’s got nothing on us.
As bowls are passed and plates are filled, my mom says, “Drew, honey, I’m going to pack you up a big bag of leftovers. I don’t even want to think about how you’re eating in that apartment with no one to cook a decent meal. And I’ll put dates on the containers so you’ll know when to throw it out. The last time I looked in your refrigerator, it was like some sort of science experiment was growing in there.”
Yes—my mommy loves me. Told you so.
“Thanks, Mom.”
Matthew and Steven make loud, wet kissy noises at me. With both hands, I flip each of them the bird. Beside me I see Mackenzie looking at her fingers trying to copy the move. I quickly put my hand over hers and shake my head. I show her Mr. Spock’s Vulcan salute instead.
After we say grace, I announce, “I think Mackenzie should come live with me.”
No one reacts. No one looks up. No one pauses. I’ve made this suggestion several times since my niece was born.
Alexandra says, “The turkey’s delicious, Mom. Very juicy.”
“Thank you, dear.”
“Hello? I’m serious here. She needs a positive female role model.”
That gets The Bitch’s attention. “What the hell am I?”
Mackenzie slides the jar toward her mother, and in goes a dollar. We all bring small bills to the table on holidays now.
“You’re a stay-at-home mom. Which is very commendable, don’t get me wrong. But she should be exposed to career women too. And for God’s sake, don’t let her watch Cinderella. What kind of example is that? A mindless twit who can’t even remember where she left her damn shoe, so she has to wait for some douchebag in tights to bring it to her? Give me a frigging break.”
I’m not sure how much I owe after that little speech. I pass Mackenzie a ten. Did I say that jar would put her through college? I meant law school. I’m going to need to hit an ATM soon.
Steven joins in. “I think Alexandra is the perfect role model for our daughter. There’s no one better.”
Steven is a beaten man. And Matthew wants to join his club.
Unreal.
Alexandra smiles at him. “Thank you, honey.”
“You’re welcome, dear.”
Matthew and I start coughing, “Whipped…brown nose.”
Mackenzie looks at us suspiciously, unsure if we need to pay up or not.
Alexandra scowls.
I continue, “I should bring her to the office with me. She should meet Kate, don’t you think, Dad?”
My mother asks quickly, “Who’s Kate?”
My father answers between bites, “Katherine Brooks, new employee. Brilliant girl. And quite the firecracker. She gave Drew a run for his money when she first started.”
My mother looks at me with glittering, hopeful eyes. The way Paula Deen looks at a tub of lard, imagining the delicacy just waiting to be made. “Well, this Kate sounds like a lovely young lady, Drew. Maybe you should have her over to the house for dinner.”
I roll my eyes. “We work together, Mom. She’s engaged. To a jackass, but that’s another story.”
Another dollar bites the dust.
My sister interjects, “I think Mom’s just surprised to actually hear you refer to a woman by name. Usually it’s ‘the waitress with the nice butt’ or ‘the blonde with the big boobs.’”
Though her observation is accurate, I ignore it. “The point is, she’s a terrific example for Mackenzie of how much a woman can accomplish.” Despite her terrible taste in men. “I’d be…I think we’d all be really proud if she grew up to be half the professional Kate is.”
Alexandra looks surprised by my statement. Then she smiles warmly. “Mackenzie and I can take a trip into the city next week. We’ll get together with you for lunch and meet the illustrious Kate Brooks.”
We eat in silence for a few minutes, and then Alexandra says, “That reminds me. Matthew, could you escort me to a charity dinner the second Saturday in December? Steven is going to be out of town.” She looks toward me. “I would ask my darling brother to do it, but we all know he spends his Saturday nights with the city slu—” she glances at her daughter “—undesirables.”
Before Matthew can answer, Mackenzie puts her two cents in. “I don’t think Uncle Matthew can come, Momma. He been too busy bein’ p-ssy whipped. Wha’s p-ssy whipped, Daddy?”
As soon as the words leave her angelic little lips, a horrendous chain reaction is set off:
Matthew chokes on the black olive in his mouth, which flies out and nails Steven right in the eye.
Steven doubles over, holding his eye and yelling, “I’m hit! I’m hit!” and then goes on about how the salt from the olive juice is eating away at his cornea.
My father starts coughing. George stands up and begins pounding on his back while asking no one in particular if he should perform the Heimlich.
Estelle knocks over her glass of red wine, which quickly seeps into my mother’s lace tablecloth. She makes no move to clean up the mess, but instead chants, “Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness.”
My mother runs around the dining room like a chicken with its head cut off, searching for non-cloth napkins to wipe up the stain, all the while assuring Estelle that everything’s fine.
And Frank…well…Frank just keeps eating.
While the chaos continues around us, Alexandra’s death-ray glare never wavers from Matthew and me. After squirming under it for about thirty seconds, Matthew caves. “It wasn’t me, Alexandra. I swear to Christ it wasn’t me.”
Chicken shit.
Thanks, Matthew. Way to leave my ass blowing in the wind. Remind me never to go to war with him as my wingman.
But as The Bitch glower is turned full force on me alone, I forgive him. I feel like at any moment I’ll be reduced to a smoking pile of Drew ash on the chair. I dig deep and give her the sweetest Baby Brother smile I can manage.
Take a look. Is it working?
I’m so f*cking dead.
See, there’s one thing about Bitch Justice you should know. It’s swift and merciless. You won’t know when it’s coming; all you can be certain of is that it will come. And when it does, it will be painful. Very, very painful.