The ocean always made me feel at peace, like all of my problems were insignificant. Every time I felt its waves crashing over me, I felt as if my worries were going along with them.
I still hadn’t opened the envelope from Sean, and I really wanted to toss it into the ocean fully sealed. Yet, I suddenly became curious. I lay back on my blanket and tore the flap.
Dear Melody, Please believe me when I say that I am sorry, truly and ashamedly sorry. I never had any intention of hurting you or leaving you at the altar.
You were always the woman I wanted to marry, the woman I wanted to grow old with. I know there’s no point in rehashing old memories or former intents, so I’ll just be honest.
When you moved into my condo two months ago, I was extremely excited—about our upcoming wedding, our upcoming honeymoon, and of course our upcoming life together. I’d wanted to make you mine for the past two years and I was glad we were both in positions that finally made that possible.
I thought you and I were on the same page about our future, that we shared the same ideals, but one night you mentioned children. And then you mentioned something about turning your office into a nursery. You mentioned abandoning the city life in a couple of years, exchanging it for a life of peace and serenity in the suburbs.
I must admit now that I never wanted, nor do I want now, any of those things. I pretended that I did in conversations with you, but in my mind I was confused and agitated.
I know now that I should have talked with you about these issues, but I didn’t want to start a fight, hurt your feelings, or have you leave me…
One evening in March, I was at work helping a woman find an appropriate charm for a bracelet her boyfriend gave her. For whatever reason, she opened up to me—telling me how she’d spent the past five years in a relationship that only made him happy. They were perfect together at one point, but their goals and ideas about the future were too different. She knew that she would have to end it soon because the only charm she could think to add was a trash bin, a sign of wasted time.
She cried and I offered to take her out for a drink. (I even called and invited you to join us, but you were still working on the “L-Haute” project) She and I spoke for about two hours and I paid for her cab ride home.
She came back to Belazi the next day and we went out again…and again…On some days, I didn’t go to work at all. I went straight to her place and we continued talking for two months, realizing that we were both in similar situations.
I made the mistake of sleeping with her three days before our wedding, a mistake I will always regret. I should have been honest with you. I should have called off the wedding the very next day, but I couldn’t…
You were so happy, so obliviously happy, and I still loved you (and I always will). I was going to go through with the wedding and the honeymoon and act like Emily never happened, like it was just a blip on an otherwise clean slate.
Standing there at the altar with you, I almost thought that was possible…until Emily showed up. Even though we’d only known each other for two months, I knew without a doubt that I was in love with her.
I believe that you deserve better, Melody. You deserve to be with someone who will share the same ideals you have about your future, someone who won’t lie to your face, someone who won’t knowingly hurt and abandon you.
I wanted to be honest because I owe that to you and so much more. You are the reason Belazi was possible. You were the only person who believed in my designer dreams and wasn’t persuading me to stay within my family’s realm of law school. You are the ultimate reason why I am who I am, and I would still do anything for you.
I know that you are still very angry with me and that you may never speak to me again, but I want you to know that I’ll always love you. And if you ever need anything (anything, Melody…) I will bend over backwards to make sure that you have it.
Sincerely,
Sean
I rolled over onto the sand, crying. My tears were falling fast, my sobs were irrepressible. All this time I thought he and I shared the same dreams. All. this. time. The only thing I wanted was him, not something he could “bend over backwards” and purchase.
I knew he cheated on me, that he slept with blonde bitch before our wedding, but three days before? Maybe seeing it in writing, knowing that it was he who was telling me, made it even worse.
I ran through memory after memory: I remembered him mentioning “Emily” to me as an “upset customer,” asking me to join them for dinner. I had no reason to be suspicious, he took clients out to dinner all the time and he always invited me. I remembered mentioning the nursery to him. He smiled and kissed me on the forehead. He even asked me what color I would paint the room: pastel yellow.