Chapter 71
Haley
I fold the blanket John gave me last night and leave it on the pillow in the corner of the gym. My grandfather canceled today’s sessions because of what happened last night and the gym is unusually quiet.
Jax grunts when I nudge him with my toe, and instead of waking up, he rolls over.
“Come on, Jax. John’s going to be back with my parents soon.”
With an even louder grunt, Jax sits up and the blanket falls away. After blinking repeatedly, he shrugs on a shirt. “Where’s Kaden?”
“Taking a shower.” I plop on the matt beside him and think about how many years the two of us have spent in this place together. When we were six, one of us used to hang on a bag while the other pushed it as a swing.
Jax is more than a cousin, more than a brother; he’s a part of me and I’m not sure how I can live life without him. “I’m going to miss you.”
“F*ck!” He slams his hand onto the mat, then rubs his eyes. “Just f*ck.”
My uncle did what I asked. He threw me out and me alone. What I didn’t expect was my brother and cousin yanking me to my feet and Jax spitting into his father’s face. I left and they voluntarily left with me. When we arrived at John’s half-drowned and desperate for shelter, he reopened the gym and called my mom.
Mom and John had a long talk and the result is he’s giving us his car and we’re leaving for California—today.
“You didn’t have to leave with me.” Guilt consumes my stomach because my thoughtless comment to my uncle caused Jax to leave his home.
“Yeah, I did. I should have left a lot sooner. He’s toxic.” Jax presses his finger against his head. “He worms his way in, past your skin, past your muscles and into your soul. Once he’s in, he continues, eating you until you’re dust. I’m already half-dust, Haley, and I’m tired of trying to hold together what’s left.”
I lay my hand over his. “I love you.”
He lowers his head and grabs on to his hair, causing his knuckles to go white. “I’m gonna f*cking miss you.”
Jax jumps up and slams his fist into a bag as he takes off for the showers. My mouth turns down and I rap my head against the wall. Jax and Kaden are staying. I don’t know who I am without them.
The door to the gym opens and my grandfather walks in. He starts for his office, but one glance at me and he changes directions. Air rushes out of my mouth with such force that my hair moves. I escaped questions last night. My luck, like always, has run out.
John’s slow as he slides down to sit next to me and he does something very un-John-like: he pats my knee. “Stay.”
“The camper’s barely big enough for you and one of the boys. I have no idea how you’re going to squeeze Jax and Kaden in it.” As much as it will kill my mother, Kaden won’t come. His life is here—with the gym. I don’t know where I belong anymore.
“We’ll figure it out. There’s the bed, two bunks and the floor once I clean it up. I’m not sure Jax would be comfortable on a mattress after all this time.”
I check to see if he’s teasing, but he’s not. “Why is my uncle scared of you?”
“I saw him grab Jax by the arm once when he was a toddler when we were at your old house.” John grasps his biceps. “Left a huge mark on his arm. I said nothing to him then, but paid him a little visit later that night.”
It’s not surprising he and my uncle had a chat. John’s an advocate of keeping fights in the gym. “What did you say? I can’t imagine one word I could have said that would have changed him.”
John scratches the stubble on his chin. “I beat the shit out of him.”
I choke on my own spit. “You what?”
“Beat the shit out of him. I then told him if he lifted a finger to any of his kids again, I’d call the police and let them watch us as I beat the shit out of him again and then they could arrest us both.”
“Damn.”
“Yeah. But I could never stop him with the words.”
“Jax is a good guy because of you,” I say.
“Your cousin doesn’t have much and it’s going to kill him when you go.”
“I can’t stay.”
“I hoped by training West you’d find your fight again.”
“My fight’s gone.”
“You’re too young for that, Haley. Take a look at your father. Is that what you want to be? We could blame what happened with Matt, but you still had some fight in you then. When you lied about what happened with Conner to save Jax and Kaden, I thought maybe you were on the right track.”
I turn my head as the deep, dark secret I fought to protect rolls off his tongue. “How did you know?”
“Jax and Kaden knew the moment you came home with no meds you were jumped and they knew Conner was the one to do it. Besides, they also knew you could kick Conner’s ass.”
I chuckle, though I don’t know why. Matt never flinched from the assumption that West was strong enough to take on Conner, but I wasn’t. I trained Matt. I dated him. You’d think he would have known.
John continues, “I told Jax and Kaden to let you fight your own fights. With Matt, Conner and your uncle—with whoever. Unless you asked for help. I thought if you had to fight in some area in your life, it would prove to you how strong you really are or at least teach you how to rely on us. Even if we wanted, we couldn’t help unless you let us.”
I think of meeting West, arguing with him, teaching him to fight. “It almost worked.”
“It doesn’t have to be almost. Stay, Haley. You’ve always had the heart. You just need to start leading with that instead of your head.”
I snort. Here I’ve been trying to convince West differently. The memory causes a slice of pain. God, I’ve lost the guy I loved. I loved him. I loved him so much and he walked away the moment his father snapped his fingers. He couldn’t have loved me back.
“Mom needs me.” And until last night, I’ve been able to pretend the truth hasn’t existed. “Dad’s a mess.”
“You’re eighteen. There comes a point in time when you need to start making your own decisions about your life. You can’t control your father and you can’t help your mother. They’ll either make it or they won’t.”
“What about Maggie?”
“I raised your mother. She’ll take care of Maggie and, trust me, your great-aunt will keep Maggie in line, too. The old bat is too mean to die.”
John scratches his forehead and I’ve never seen such an unsure gesture from him.
“What?” I hope it’s not bad. I’m already free-falling and I don’t feel like hitting a few rocks on the way down.
“When you get to California, you should talk to someone.”
“Talk?”
“Yeah.” His hand waves in the air. “A professional—like that Mrs. Collins.”
Uh...no. “I don’t need—”
“You do,” he cuts me off. “Something happened to you and as hard as I tried I couldn’t fix it. If you have to go, go, but don’t continue to live a half life.”
Mom sticks her head in the gym. “Can you lend a hand, Dad?”
John stands and Mom smiles at me. It’s not a reassuring smile. It’s the type that says she wishes she could reassure me. “Get your brother and cousin. I want to say our goodbyes and get on the road.”
I nod. That describes my life—nothing but goodbyes.