“Because that’s a sad way to live, and... I care about you.”
“Don’t say that.” His tone was edgy, almost angry. “You shouldn’t say that, about caring. You hardly know me.”
“And you hardly know me, but here we are. You offered to take me on this trip. You’ve answered my gazillion questions. You haven’t forced me to do anything, and you haven’t exposed me to your father. I’m glad to be here with you.”
There. I’d said it. We searched each other’s eyes for a moment before he turned back to the road and his grip on the steering wheel loosened. My pulse slowed to normal.
“Once I get a girl to be with me, it’s a onetime thing,” he began. “Now and then we’ll hook up twice, three times max. But I try not to think of them as individuals. It’s purely physical. I make no promises to call. I don’t even give out my number; they get it from other people. They’ll come see the band or show up at a party where I am and give me gifts—I’m sure you can imagine.”
I wished I couldn’t.
“But on my third time seeing Jamie, she gave me something different than anyone ever had. She made me a CD. I could see she’d put thought into it. She said each song had a killer drum solo or unique drum riff. It was an excellent collection. We saw each other for three weeks, quite often. But when she told me she loved me, I had to break it off. In the end I needed her to hate me. So I left my phone out at band practice one day with a picture she’d sent me of herself.”
He gave me a quick look of defiance, and then his eyes were on the road again. I guess I had needed to hear all of that. I was knotted up inside.
“Were you falling in love with her?” I asked.
He groaned and shook his head.
“Christ, Anna.” I flinched. “Right. Forgot I was riding with a saint.” He sighed and ran a hand through his hair before going on. “No. I was not in love with her. I’ve never been in love with anyone. I was merely answering your question about whether or not I ever feel bad about hurting someone. The answer is yes. I felt bad about her. God, I can’t believe I’m having this conversation with you.”
I leaned back into my seat and stared out my window at the last stretch of Texas as the sun sank lower, hoping Kaidan wouldn’t notice me wiping away the lone tear that slid down my face for him.
“Don’t pity me, Anna, and don’t think well of me for that small revelation. Don’t fool yourself into believing I haven’t enjoyed the work I’ve done, because I have. You should know who you’re dealing with.”
It was time to find out more about this person I was dealing with.
“Have you ever drugged a girl or spiked her drink?” I asked, still staring out at Texas.
“No. That’s for those who lack confidence.”
“Have you taken advantage of a girl who was wasted or passed out?”
“No. What’s the use if she can’t remember?”
“Forced a girl to do something she didn’t want to?”
“No. Are you training to be a psychologist?”
“I don’t doubt that you’ve physically enjoyed yourself, Kaidan. If you want me to know who I’m dealing with, then answer me this: Do you take pleasure in hurting people?”
I watched his chest rise and sink with a silent sigh. He spoke devoid of feeling, bordering on impatience.
“I feel nothing for them. I ignore their pain. I don’t let it into my thoughts. It brings me no pleasure or pain to see them hurting, with the one exception that we already spoke of. Is that touchy-feely enough for you?”
I would have to read between the lines when it came to Kaidan. To know him, I would need to know why he ignored their pain, and what would happen if he did let their suffering into his thoughts. If he took pleasure in hurting others, he would bask in their pain, not deflect it.
“Why are you trying so hard to make me think you’re a bad person?” I asked.
“Because it would be best for you to have a healthy fear of me so you can’t say you weren’t warned. I’m not like boys at your school. Think of the pull you feel toward drugs. That is how I feel about sex.”
Oh.
“Starting to get it now? Let me be even clearer.” His voice lowered as he walked me through his work. “I can feel out someone within five minutes of conversation to know what I would have to say and do to lure her into bed. That includes you, though I admit I was off my game last night. With some people it’s a matter of simple flattery and attention. With others it takes more time and energy. I do whatever it takes to get their clothes off, and then I attempt to make it so they’ll never be with another person and not think of me. I know secrets of the human body most people don’t even know about themselves. And when I leave, I know they’re ruined when they’re begging me to stay.”
My heart pounded. I was afraid now. He flicked his eyes around my aura.
“It’s about time,” he said.
CHAPTER TWELVE