Chapter 12
falling to pieces
25 days until i turn 18
“Let’s bring it in, guys!” Brian shouts to the team.
Thursday’s practice just ended, so I dump ice out of two coolers onto the ground and lug them to the left field equipment shed, where I store them on a shelf. This is one of the first moments I’ve had to myself in days, so I lean against the wall, inhaling the musky scent of worn leather. A fly buzzes past me. I dip my thumbs into my jeans pockets and shut my eyes.
This week has been too emotional. Too confusing. Ryan stayed in the hospital overnight and came home on Tuesday, but when I asked Dad if we’re going to get him some help, Dad said he’s not ready to make any decisions yet.
I checked our insurance. It doesn’t cover counseling, or I’d get him an appointment myself. Maybe Vanderbilt has some free services for students?
I suck in a breath, listening to the laughter coming from outside the shed. I’m enjoying the peace when I hear a voice.
“Hey.”
I twirl around to find Will standing in the doorway, the sun filling the air around his body with bright white light.
“Hey.” I give him a grin.
“Can we talk?” he asks. “I want to tell you why I dropped by the other night.”
“Sure. What’s up?”
His mouth twitches and he rubs his palms together. “I was wondering if you’d go to prom with me.”
A big smile leaps across my face, but then I remember. Drew. I shouldn’t. But I want this. I face the wooden wall. Catch my breath. “I’d really love that…”
“Okay, so we’re on?” He sounds excited.
“I, um.” I toe the basket of balls at my feet. “Before I can answer, I need to figure a few things out.”
“Oh.” I turn to find him furrowing his eyebrows. He’s so sweet.
“It’s nothing to do with you,” I say, even though it is.
He takes his cap off, stuffs it in his back pocket and steps toward me. “Do you really want to go with me?”
“Yes,” I whisper, and swallow. I find his eyes. He takes a step closer. I take a step closer.
“So let’s go together.”
I glance at his lips, he smiles down at me and goose bumps pop all over my arms, telling me this is right, but it’s wrong. The smell of apple wafts under my nose. His shampoo?
“I’m, uh,” he says. “I’ve enjoyed getting to know you better and…I want to try for something more.”
“With me?”
He nods. “I wasn’t sure at first, you know, if I wanted to pursue something serious with you.” He moves a step closer—so close his breath warms my cheek. “But I do.”
“You do?” I ask softly.
His hand slides onto my hip. “Yeah.”
It’s what I’ve wanted. A relationship with a guy I can trust. A good friend. An equal. He makes my heart slam against my chest. I’ve never wanted to kiss someone this much in my life. His other hand settles on my waist and I slide my fingers inside his loose sweatshirt sleeves, making him tremble. Our chests press together; I can feel his pulse.
Will leans in toward my lips, his hair flopping against my nose, and I want this to happen but it can’t. I step back, and he stumbles forward.
“I can’t do this until I talk to Drew.”
He rights himself, looking embarrassed, then confused. “Bates?”
“Yeah.”
He scratches his nose. “Whatever you need…but you’re not messing with me, right? I wouldn’t be a one-night thing?”
“No no no.” I shake my head and look him straight in the eye.
“I would’ve asked you out a long time ago, but I wanted to make sure we could have something real.” His voice stumbles.
“I want something real too, but I need to do some stuff first, okay? Trust me?”
Will slides a hand onto my shoulder. “I can wait.”
“Thanks.” I slip my hand on top of his and squeeze. He begins to lean his forehead toward mine when I hear a loud cough.
I jerk away from Will to find Brian standing in the doorway, pursing his lips. He secures his bat under an arm.
“You told me you weren’t interested in her, Whitfield,” Brian says. God, he looks so pissed.
“Nothing’s going on,” Will says quickly.
“Not sure I believe you, but anyway, I don’t think this is the time or place for this, okay?” He points from me to Will.
“Okay, Coach,” Will says.
“Coach Burns told Parker that she isn’t allowed to date players and still be a manager,” Brian replies. “You’re excused, Whitfield.”
“But—”
“You’re excused.”
Will glances at me, then walks out of the equipment shed. My heart pounds while Brian glares at me. He glances over his shoulder and shuts the shed door. “What’s going on, Park?” he whispers, setting his bat against the wall.
“Will asked me to prom.” I wring my hands and bite my lip.
“What did you say?” Brian asks softly, moving toward me.
“No. I said no. For now.”
“For now?”
“I said I’d think about it.”
He lets out a mean laugh and shakes his head. “God, I’m so stupid.”
“Why?”
“Getting involved with someone your age. I should’ve known you’d never be mature enough—”
“I’ve been trying to talk to you about what I want and what I need, and you never listen—”
“Because nothing’s at stake for you! My whole life is on the line here, Parker. For you! Because I like you—”
“If you really liked me, you’d listen—”
“If you really liked me, you wouldn’t be cheating on me in the equipment shed with a guy named Corndog and—”
“I didn’t even know we’re in a relationship. You said we can’t date for real, and I don’t know what we are—”
“We’re nothing.”
I bow my head and try to swallow the lump in my throat. Doesn’t work. I cough. I liked Brian. Things started off so well. He seems just as confused as I am.
“Nothing’s happened with Will.” I don’t even know why I’m telling Brian this. It’s none of his business. But I guess I want to show I can be a good person. A tear drips down my cheek. I wipe it away with the heel of my hand.
Brian gives me a look of sympathy and comes closer. He brushes my hair off my shoulder and leaves his hand there. “I’m sorry I yelled at you,” he whispers.
His mouth hovers next to my ear and I’m thinking he’ll kiss it, and I’m about to tell him that I don’t want this right now, that we rushed into this-whatever-it-is and we should get out while we can, before we both get hurt more or get in trouble or he really falls hard, like I’m falling hard for Will, when the shed door opens.
“Ohmigod!” Laura blurts, and slaps a hand over her mouth.
I step away from Brian. Try to get my breathing under control. I clutch my chest, staring my former best friend down. She turns and flies across the field.
Holy hell. What’s she gonna do?
???
I’m summoned to the principal’s office at 8:16 on Friday morning. I’m surprised it took that long.
Last night, Brian and I spoke briefly on the phone.
“Maybe you should call Laura,” he said. “Tell her that she misunderstood what she saw.”
I chipped all the soft pink polish off my nails. I couldn’t stop shaking. “She hates me, Brian.”
“So what are we gonna do then?”
“Pretend like nothing happened? If I call her up, it’s as good as admitting guilt.”
“But if Dr. Salter starts asking around, Bates might say something.”
“He won’t say anything. He’s my best friend.”
“And you’re sure Whitfield doesn’t know anything about me and you?”
“Do you really think he would’ve invited me to prom if he knew about you?”
Brian went silent for a minute. “I would’ve taken you to prom, if we had been in high school at the same time.”
“I probably would’ve said no.”
He laughed softly. “Why’s that?”
“You’re a perv! You chiseled through the concrete between the locker rooms and spied on girls!”
“I bet I could’ve gotten you to say yes.”
I smiled at my ceiling, liking that Brian and I were talking normally again. Everything got messed up the minute we started kissing. “Okay, maybe I would’ve said yes.”
“I bet you’d look really beautiful in a gown.”
“Thanks,” I whispered.
“Listen, I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
We hung up, and I curled under the covers. My phone buzzed. Mom texted: Good night. I love you.
Now I’m thinking of her as I walk to the principal’s office. When I was a little girl, I would tug on her skirts and dresses, to get her to smile down at me. I loved seeing her face. Friendly, tan, smooth, beautiful, loving. I wish I could see her now. I wish she had stayed with us. None of this ever would’ve happened if Mom were here. She would’ve noticed me sneaking out of the house late at night. She would’ve spotted the small bruise on my collarbone where Brian kissed me too hard. She would’ve noticed the condoms in my purse, the ones I bought just in case.
She’d know, plain and simple.
But she’s gone, and I need to face that. Just like I’m about to face the principal. His secretary doesn’t meet my eyes as she tells me to go on in, where I find my father and Dr. Salter chatting about graduation.
“Hey, Dad,” I say, accepting a kiss on the cheek before plopping down in the seat beside him. “What are you doing here?”
“Dr. Salter called and asked me to drop by before work. Is everything okay?” The circles under his eyes have gotten worse since he decided not to pursue Veena. Since Ryan went to the hospital.
“I hope so,” I reply, squeezing my knees.
Dad and I turn our attention to the principal, who stares me down. He studies my face and my hands start trembling, but I will them to stop. I can’t show any guilt. None.
“What’s going on?” Dad says.
Dr. Salter asks, “Parker, are you involved with Coach Hoffman?”
“What?” Dad exclaims, sitting up straight.
I lie, choosing my words carefully. “We talk sometimes, sure.”
“That’s what he said too,” Dr. Salter says. “But are you sure nothing ever happened with him? Romantically or otherwise?”
I let my mouth fall open. “No, sir.”
“What’s Dr. Salter talking about?” Dad asks, resting a hand on my back. “I thought you were dating that Corn Fritter fellow.”
“It’s Corndog, Dad. Not Corn Fritter.”
“You’re dating Will Whitfield?” Dr. Salter asks, picking up a glass paperweight. “I wasn’t aware.”
“Why would you be interested in that?” I ask.
The principal plays with the paperweight. “It’ll be a nice human interest addition to the piece I’m writing about our valedictorian and salutatorian for the Franklin Times. But Laura Martin’s allegations are quite serious. She claims she found you with Coach Hoffman in the equipment shed. She said he was kissing your ear.”
“No,” I blurt, shifting in my seat.
Dad’s eyes bulge. “That’s impossible.”
“Laura hates me,” I say. “She’ll lie about anything to make me feel bad—”
Dr. Salter holds up a hand. “I should have already turned this over to the school board for a proper investigation, but you’re such a good student, and you’ve never been in trouble. And I’d hate to ruin Coach Hoffman’s career before it even starts.” The principal coughs and averts his eyes, to concentrate on his inspirational calendar, which reads Confidence.
“There must be some mistake,” Dad says. “Laura couldn’t have seen my daughter with Coach Hoffman. Parker is a good Christian girl, and she’s dating a good Christian boy. He goes to Westwood, and we go to Forrest Sanctuary.” Dad’s face is red and his neck bulges.
I squeeze my hands between my knees and stare down. I can’t believe I did this. Dad’s lying for me, and he doesn’t even know it. And now he’s dragging poor Will into this. Please let this be enough for Dr. Salter. Please let it be enough. I promise you, Lord, I’ll never do anything wrong again if you can help me out of this.
I can’t ruin Brian’s life. I can’t.
“Call Corndog down here,” Dad insists. “He’ll tell you the truth.”
“Dad, don’t.”
“Why not?” Dr. Salter asks.
I pause. “My friend likes Will, so we’re keeping it a secret.”
“Which friend?”
“I can’t say. It’s not my place to tell.”
Dr. Salter uses his intercom. “Marti, please summon Will Whitfield to my office.”
I shut my eyes and wish Mom was here. We sit in silence for three minutes until Will comes rushing in the door. He slows down when he sees me, and drops into the chair next to mine.
“Hello, Dr. Salter. Mr. Shelton.” Will nods at them, then lays a hand on my arm. “You okay?” he whispers.
I nod slowly, relieved that he’s playing the part he doesn’t know he’s cast in. I hate myself for this. Hate. Tears prick my eyes. I sniffle. Then I put pressure on Will’s foot, giving him the only message I can. Help.
The principal starts, “Will, I’m sorry to bring you out of class like this—”
“Tell Dr. Salter the truth,” Dad says. “That you’re dating my daughter. Or maybe even doing more with her. I did catch you in her bed that day.”
My chin bobs against my chest, and I let out a low cry. Poor Will. He doesn’t deserve this.
“We’re not sleeping together. No, sir,” Will says quietly. His face turns the pinkest pink.
I step on his foot harder.
“But yeah, we’re dating,” Will says, looking from me to the principal.
“And you’re keeping it a secret?” Dr. Salter asks, rapping the paperweight against his desk. Jesus. The man should forget educating kids and become a detective.
Will glances at me. “Yes, sir. For a friend’s sake.”
“Really?”
“A mutual friend is interested in me,” Will says, then hesitates. “But it’ll never work out. We don’t want my friend to know yet.”
He didn’t say he or she. Will is a perceptive guy.
“Well, your story matches Coach Hoffman’s,” Dr. Salter says to me.
I pull a deep breath through my nose.
“What story?” Will asks, leaning forward.
“Laura Martin claimed she saw Coach Hoffman and Miss Shelton interacting in an inappropriate manner in the baseball equipment shed yesterday afternoon.”
“The equipment shed?” Will blurts. His voice squeaks.
“Yes…” Dr. Salter says, and Will laughs harshly. “What’s so funny?”
Will grabs my hand and kisses my knuckles. “Coach Hoffman caught us in the equipment shed yesterday, and then he told me I was acting inappropriately and asked me to leave. Did Laura see you when Coach Hoffman was lecturing you?” Will asks me. His blue eyes are hard. Angry.
“Um, yeah.”
“You were in the equipment shed with Corn Fritter?” Dad asks me.
“Corndog,” Will, Dr. Salter, and I say simultaneously.
“I think we’re through here for now,” the principal announces, standing to shake hands with Dad. “Miss Shelton? Can I talk to you and Coach Hoffman about your baseball managing duties?”
“Yes, sir,” I say, watching Dad and Will file out.
The principal comes out from around his desk. He avoids my gaze and opens his side door to reveal Brian sitting in an armchair, rapping his foot on the floor. He stands and makes his way into Dr. Salter’s office. We sit back down.
“Hi, Coach Hoffman,” I say softly.
“Hey, Parker.”
The principal runs a hand over his head, then sits behind his desk. He raps his paperweight. “I said your stories add up, but I’m afraid I still need to present this to the school board. I’m required to report any accusations against active faculty.”
“Sir—” Brian starts, looking freaked out.
“But Laura hates me,” I interrupt.
Dr. Salter looks at Brian. “If you did nothing wrong, you have nothing to worry about. They won’t find any evidence…right?”
“Evidence?” I ask quietly.
“If the board does an investigation, will they find evidence that you and Coach Hoffman have spoken outside of school activities?” Dr. Salter’s eyes bore into mine. “Have you talked on the phone? Over the Internet? Have you ever gone anywhere together?” He pauses. “If you’re telling me they’ll find nothing, we’ll remove the accusation from the coach’s file. But if there is any reason they might believe something is going on between you two—”
“Sir,” Brian says, pinching the bridge of his nose. “What can I do to make this stop right here? I’ll do anything.”
My eyes are watering. I sniffle. “I’ll give up being valedictorian.”
Brian shakes his head. “You don’t have to do that.”
The principal looks from me to Brian, and I know he knows the truth. “Coach, if you resign today, we’ll consider this matter closed.”
Brian doesn’t hesitate. “Done.”
???
We go into the hallway, where I clutch Dad’s elbow. My teeth are chattering. Will’s hanging his head, and I think he might cry.
“I’m sorry for the mess,” Dad says, shaking Brian’s hand. “I know your parents go to Forrest Sanctuary and that no son of theirs would ever do something wrong like this. My sincerest apologies.”
“Uh, yes, sir.” Brian releases Dad’s hand. Pain covers Brian’s face. “I’m sorry if this misunderstanding embarrassed you and your family, Mr. Shelton.” He heads down the hallway toward his office.
By resigning, Brian basically admitted guilt just now, and if and when people hear the rumors, I bet my family will be more embarrassed than ever.
Dad cups my neck with a hand. “I’m sure your being caught in the equipment shed with Corndog was a one-time occurrence. Right, Parker?”
“Yes, Dad.”
“Definitely. A one-time occurrence,” Will mutters, rubbing his eyes.
“We’ll pray about this and your brother later.” Dad shakes his head at me, gives Will a dirty look, and ducks into the bathroom across the hall.
Gee, thanks for the support, Dad. I press a palm to the trophy case and wipe a tear from my face. Brian’s resigning. Because of me. Jobs are hard to come by these days, and I ruined a good opportunity for him. And I lied. I sinned. I’m a terrible person. I miss Mom.
God, where are you? I’m sorry I keep doing these things. Can’t you help me be a good person? Please.
Will’s still standing next to me, silent.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“Why won’t you go to prom with me? The truth this time, please.”
“I didn’t say no. I need to take care of some things, I told you that.”
He stares at me sideways. “What are these things?” His voice is rough.
“I need to talk to Drew.”
“And?”
Tears are rolling down my face, and I don’t know what hurts worse: my heart, or that Will isn’t rushing to comfort me. He inches away from me, folding his arms.
“Is it true?” he asks. “What the principal said? About you and Coach Hoffman?”
I look over my shoulder, to make sure no one’s listening. Tears blur my vision. I don’t say anything. That should be enough of an answer for Will, the smartest guy I know.
“I thought you were someone else,” he says. “I came to the conclusion that you weren’t who I thought you were—a girl who gets around with every guy she sees. I thought I had it all wrong. But I guess I was right the first time. You messed with my friends. I don’t know why I was so damned stupid to think I’d be different—”
“But you are different—”
“Don’t.” Will shakes his head. “I’m just glad I never kissed you. Or worse, lost it to you. What a waste that would’ve been, huh?”
I lean against the trophy case. Tears soak my shirt. I feel my makeup melting off. “A waste?” I whisper. I never wanted this for me.
And worse, I threw Will under the bus. For nothing. Brian had to resign anyway.
The bell rings, and students start moving through the halls. Will stays next to me but says nothing. People are pointing at me. That’s when Drew comes rushing up. “What’d you do to her, man?” he asks Will. My best friend pulls me into his arms. I rest my chin on his shoulder. Will slams the glass door open and stalks toward the parking lot.
Dad exits the bathroom. “Parker,” he says quietly. “I love you and care about you, but I don’t want to be called away from work again because you got caught in the equipment shed with Corndog. Understand?”
“What?” Drew whispers. “You what?”
“Yes, Dad,” I say, sniffling, and he leaves, not looking back at me.
Drew’s face falls. “You lied to me? You’re really fooling around with him?”
“Corndog only pretended that,” I exclaim. “To cover for me. With Brian.” I move to fall back into Drew’s arms, but he scoots away from me. “We’ve never hooked up or kissed or anything.”
“You were messing around with both of them? Did you use Corndog to cover up who you’re really interested in?”
“No, no.” I reach for him again, but he steps backward. “Will lied. To help me. To help Brian.”
“I can’t believe you,” he whispers. “I stuck by you. Through everything. All your mood swings and cutting out the world. I told people you weren’t a freak. I told them you were shy and cared about school.”
“Drew—”
“And I told you my secret,” he whispers. “And then you took it from me.” His big brown eyes go glossy.
“Drew, that’s not what happened. Can you list—”
“Everything with you is such bullshit. You probably got Tate to talk to me so you could have Will all to yourself. Right?”
I tried to be a good friend…And now he won’t even listen. I had a chance with Will. I turned down a date to prom. A real date with a real guy who truly wanted me. All for a friend who won’t even hear me out.
I don’t have anything.
“I’ll see you later, then,” I whisper, and decide to skip school today. I leave to go home.
Wherever that is.
I run into Laura, Allie, and Mel on the way to the bike rack. They start whispering. So I start shouting.
“Thanks for turning me into Dr. Salter, Laura. I’ll pray for you. Lord knows you’d never do it for me because you’re so jealous. Judge thy neighbor, eh?”
They shut up and stare at me. I’ve never said anything like that before. And you know what? I didn’t get struck by lightning. I don’t even feel guilty.
I tell my eyes to stop crying. Fat chance of that.