I shut myself in my room and grabbed a pillow off my bed—holding it against my face and screaming into it as loudly as I could.
I did it one more time for good measure, not bothering to wipe away tears. I couldn’t believe Carter’s reasoning for not saying ‘I love you back’. That didn’t make any sense. I mean, of course I wanted him to tell me that he loved me back, but for him to assume that I would stay here and cling to him instead of pursing my own dreams? To make it seem like I was that love-struck?
No…I would’ve left regardless of what he said…I would’ve—
I suddenly stopped thinking as old memories began to play in front of me, one of the last serious relationships I’d had before Carter and Sean…
His name was Liam and he was supposed to be my soulmate. We were high school sweethearts and we were so cute together that it made Carter sick. Literally. (He got a migraine after being our third wheel at the annual fair, after we kept calling each other “sweetie” and talking about our future together.) Anyway, I’d always believed in planning ahead, and although I wasn’t totally convinced, I decided to attend the University of Pittsburgh with him instead of staying closer to home.
Three weeks later, I found out he’d been cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend and I became stuck with a college I never wanted, and a heartache that took over two years to heal.
Still in shock, I grabbed my laptop bag and pulled out the letters he’d sent. (I was originally planning to give them all back to him unopened on the last day of my trip) I thumbed through them all and picked the most recent one, running my fingers along the phrase he’d written on the flap: “URGENT: Please read this, Ari.”
Dear Arizona,
I'm not going to bother with pleasantries or waste time telling you about what's going on at home with me because it doesn't matter. Not without you being here anyway.
So, I'll keep this short and to the point.
I didn’t mean one fucking word of what I said to you at the airport.
I do love you. I love you ‘in that way’ and it was much more than sex between us. I only wanted to make sure you left and pursued your dreams instead of staying back for me because I’ll always be here for you.
Always.
If I knew that what I said would make you give me the cold shoulder or stop talking to me, I can promise you that I never would’ve done it and I would take it back in a heartbeat.
Not talking to you for a few days was different.
Not talking to you for a few weeks was torture.
Not talking to you for MONTHS was (and still is) unbearable.
You’ve always meant the world to me, but it didn’t hit me just how much more you meant until you were gone…
I go to sleep, reaching for you—wanting to hear your voice before I shut my eyes. I wake up hoping to have you in my arms, and there are only so many days that I’m going to be able to stay sane without you…
For years we’ve joked about why I can’t last with anyone else for more than six months, and the answer has been right in front of my face all this time: You.
I’m pretty sure it’s been you since fourth grade, because now more than ever, I know that I’m supposed to be with you, and you’re supposed to be with me.
You belong to me, Ari, and you always will…
You’re more than ‘just’ my best friend, and I never want to be ‘just friends’ again.
Sincerely (in love with you),
Carter
I cried.
I re-read it a few more times, my heart racing with every word.
I re-folded it and stood up, heading back downstairs to the party. I needed to talk to Sean alone and get the hell away from all my friends and family so I could re-read the letter again before deciding what to do.
Sean’s eyes met mine as soon as my feet hit the grass, and he rushed over. “Whoa,” he said. “What’s wrong with you? Why are you crying? Do we need to go?”
“Yes.” I nodded. “Please…”
“Okay.” He wiped my tears away, waiting for me to stop. Then he forced a smile and put his arm around my waist.
Out the corner of my eyes, I saw Josh shaking his head at me, saw him seething at me like he was Carter.
I ignored him and gave my mom a hug in the kitchen—avoiding her “What’s wrong with you?” expression.
Sean grabbed my bag and we walked into the living room, where a few of my other friends were.
“Leaving already, Ari?” Nicole asked.
“Yeah…I’ll be sure to hit you up tomorrow, though.” I walked over and gave her a hug. “Thank you everyone for coming. It was good seeing you again.”
I gave everyone else hugs, noting that Carter was thankfully long gone.
I got into the rental car with Sean and turned my head toward the window—not saying anything.
“Um…” Sean sounded confused. “Where exactly are we going? All of our stuff is inside…”
“Just drive…”