“A lot of things…” I admitted.
“That’s why I like you, Carter.” She smiled. “You’re always in deep thought, thinking about deep things…” She held the camera above us. “Deep-thought selfie!”
“Right…” I waited until she’d snapped the photo. “Are you ready to head back yet?”
“Almost! Give me five minutes. I want to wade farther out and feel the waves against my chest one last time.”
I nodded and watched her slip into the ocean—beckoning me to join her, but I simply forced a smile and stayed back. I was still thinking, still wondering why I could never get past the six month mark with any woman I dated—why I could never find enough strength to stick around another second.
“Okay!” Emily met me on the shore. “I’m ready to head back now if you are, Carter. I know what’s really on your mind…” She pressed her hand against my crotch. “Meow…”
Jesus…
I moved her hand away and clasped it, leading her back toward my place.
“What do you think about going to the Everglades tomorrow?” she asked.
“I think we should talk about that tomorrow...We actually have a lot to talk about.”
“Awww.” She squeezed my hand. “It sounds like you’re finally going to let me inside and tell me all your deep, dark secrets…”
“I don’t have any deep, dark secrets.”
“Well, whatever you want to talk about tomorrow, can we not talk about it at Gayle’s?”
“What?” I looked over at her and raised my eyebrow. “Why not?”
“Because, although I know you love the food there and I do, too, I hate that place. Like, being there, you know?”
“Not really…”
“I just feel like it’s not our own ‘couple spot’, you know? Every couple needs their own “OMG this is our spot” type of place. Speaking of which, I was thinking we need to post more pictures of us together on Facebook. I’ll be posting what we took today on tomorrow. What do you think of the caption: “OMG my boyfriend took me on a surprise trip to the beach? Hashtag, he loves me, hashtag, don’t be jealous, hashtag, he always spends money on me.”
“The beach is free…”
She ignored my comment and continued babbling, eventually transitioning from our social media profiles to how badly she wanted to ride me tonight, but the second we got back to my place, she collapsed onto my bed and fell asleep.
Relieved, I took a beer from the fridge and leaned against the counter. I needed to think tomorrow’s break-up through. I needed it to be short, swift, and to the point.
“It’s not you, it’s me…” “I’m just not sure if I’m really the man you’re looking for…” “Okay, look. It’s that weird-ass cat shit you do...” No, no…I need to be diplomatic about this… Hmmm…
I googled, “Top Ten Best Ways to Break Up with Someone,” but the browser crashed and a phone call came through instead. My best friend, Arizona.
“Hello?” I answered.
“Meowwww….” she whispered. “Meowww…Meow!”
“Fuck you, Ari.”
She laughed. “Are you busy right now? Am I interrupting something?”
“Not at all.” I stepped into my room and tapped the wall to see if Emily would wake up. “I just got back from the beach. Emily passed out as soon as we got back.”
“Did she eat too much catnip? That happens to me all the time.”
“Is there a point to this goddamn phone call, Ari?”
“There is.” She laughed. “There is.”
“Care to share it before I hang up on you?”
“Yeah…I think I finally want to have sex with Scott tonight.”
“Okay. Then go finally have sex with Scott tonight.”
“No, no, no…” Her tone was more serious now. “I’m just not sure if I should or not, you know? I’m getting some vibes…”
“What kind of vibes?”
“That it’s not a good idea, that it’s not the right time.”
I sighed. Arizona always needed to host an internal examination session whenever she was considering sleeping with a guy. Everything had to be measured in terms of risks and returns, down to “the intensity of the kisses,” “the average length and quality of the dates,” and “the long-term relationship factor.” Even though she denied it, I knew she kept a spreadsheet on her phone to track all of those ridiculous factors, and that she started a new one each time she dated someone.
“Look,” I said, “if you don’t want to sleep with him, don’t. Tell him you’re not ready yet.”
“Do you think he’ll be okay with that, though? We’ve been together eight months.”
“What?” I nearly choked on my beer. “It’s been eight months?”
“See? That’s the thing, and I know he feels like tonight is the night since I kind of alluded to it, but…I don’t know. I’m not sure if he’s worth the risk. I don’t want to get burned again…”
“Wait a minute.” I shook my head. “Where are you right now?”
“In Scott’s apartment.”
“Then where the hell is he?”