I sighed and crossed my arms, walking alone. I hated these ugly feelings and I knew I was taking it out on the people I loved. This was not me. Something had to give. Soon.
On the tenth morning after the date that didn’t happen, I smiled to myself and placed a warm brown egg into the basket on my arm. It was the first dry morning, which lifted my spirits. Preparing to reach into the straw and feel for another, I caught sight of something moving on the other side of the fence that was bigger than any farm animal. I stood abruptly, banging my head on the top of the hen house and making a chicken squawk and flap her wings.
“Ow. Sorry,” I said to the hen. Then I stooped to set down my basket. Through the slats in the wood I spied McKale’s profile and my stomach flipped. The hen stared up at me like she was wondering what I was waiting for. I took a deep breath and ducked out of the hen house to face him.
I looked at him openly, hoping he would see that I was glad for his visit. And insanely relieved that he’d sought me out.
He stood there shifting his feet, his arms behind his back. His sideburns stuck out more than usual, like he hadn’t bothered to trim them. I took no satisfaction knowing this situation was affecting his grooming. But maybe if he let himself go long enough the FFG would lose interest. Ha.
“Are you on your way to work?” I asked.
“Aye,” he whispered, more gruff than usual.
In a slow movement, he pulled his hands from behind his back and held out a tiny woven basket brimming with plump strawberries and blackberries. “I brought ye something, Robyn.”
My heart sputtered.
He held the berries out to me in the palm of his long hand. I reached out and took his offering, pulling it gently against my chest.
I’d never seen any berries in the kitchens. There were mostly breads and proteins in there. Fruits and veggies were picked outside and eaten at will, like snacks. I noted the slight way McKale’s hand shook, and the look of anticipation in his eyes as he watched me, waiting. It was then that it hit me.
This was a gift.
“Thank you,” I whispered, feeling everything that had hardened inside of me softening again, that easily. Guilt for avoiding him punched me from the inside and I felt horrible for the wall I’d built around myself.
A relieved huff of air blew from his lips and he put his hands on his hips, hanging his head.
“I’d best be on my way,” he said.
“Wait.” I stepped forward, but I had no idea what to do or say. What happens now? Movies and books always made it seem so easy to open up and talk to someone you liked. But in real life it was so, so hard.
“Have you seen her again since that night?” Of all the questions I could have asked him, this was the one I didn’t even want to know the answer to. Why was I torturing myself? It was bad enough that I’d lie in bed every night imagining her sneaking through the portal and slipping into his room.
McKale’s forehead tightened at the question and he hesitantly met my eyes. “No.”
“You know you can’t have us both,” I whispered, feeling courageous.
I almost told him that he couldn’t have his cake and eat it too, but he probably wouldn’t understand the old adage. It was a stupid saying anyway.
McKale looked tense enough to bolt at any second, but I was all geared up now, so I kept going with nothing to lose.
“I need you to know, McKale, that I want this to work. I like you—”
“Robyn…” The tone of his voice was laced with layer upon layer of “I don’t believe you,” and it frustrated me.
“Why is that so hard to believe?”
He stared downward, running a hand over his face while I questioned him.
“When you were growing up, didn’t you ever wonder about me? About what I’d be like? Didn’t you ever get excited that it could be good?”
I knew he was way out of his comfort zone, but I didn’t care. He opened his mouth and paused a second before blurting, “Aye, Robyn, I wondered. And I assumed you would dread the arrangement as much as I. No female had ever shown interest in me until…”
I closed my eyes and held up my free palm like a stop sign. “Until her.” Familiar envy churned, but I forged ahead. “You might have been dreading our binding, but that doesn’t mean I was. Some day I’ll make you believe me. I’ll prove it to you.”
“You needn’t prove anything. Ye’ve already surpassed my every expectation.”
“Only because your expectations were so low.”
He winced.
The morning chores weren’t complete, however I needed to take advantage of this moment while I was feeling brave.
“Come with me,” I told him. Still clutching the basket of berries to my chest, I headed toward my hut with McKale following, silent.
“Wait right here,” I said when I got to my room and he nodded. “I’ll be right back.”
Cassidy sat up groggily in her bed.
“Whatcha doin’?” she asked.
I bent down to the bin, opening it and taking out the soccer ball. I felt a rush of excitement mixed with nerves. Cassidy’s eyes got huge and she perked up.