68
So now you know I lied – lied to you, lied to Shanna, lied to everyone – about having sex with Derek.
…sort of.
In the days and weeks that followed, I kept telling myself that I wasn’t any worse than Bill Clinton (Mr. ‘I did not have sex with that woman’).
Derek and I didn’t go all the way.
We didn’t even do oral.
It was just touching.
Incredibly erotic, sensual, and astoundingly hot touching… but just touching.
…right?
But I came to the conclusion that if Bill Clinton is your measuring stick in matters of sexual faithfulness, you really f*cked up somewhere along the way.
69
I lay there for a long time in Derek’s arms as he spooned me like before.
I noticed this time that he quite conspicuously kept his pelvis from touching me.
I was glad.
Sort of.
…no, not really.
But I knew I couldn’t feel that thick, hard pressure against my body and hold back.
True to his word, he just held me. No touching, no caressing, no kissing, no nothing.
And I didn’t make a move on him… even though I knew what incredible delights lay beneath his clothes. Even though I knew I could just make the slightest motion, and then he would take it from there… and I could temporarily forget everything else, swept away by passion and ecstasy.
But my misery was enough to keep me in check.
Something Shanna had said kept echoing in my mind. I’m sure if she had known the effect it would have on me, she never would have said it… but it was as effective as a chastity belt.
At least I don’t tell some guy I love him and then f*ck around behind his back.
So I never made a move.
It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life.
70
I woke in the morning facing him. The sun poured through the blinds and kissed his hair with light. His sleeping face was so serenely beautiful that I ached to touch it.
But I kept my hands by my side and just contented myself with watching him sleep.
Eventually his eyes fluttered open.
As soon as he saw me, he smiled groggily.
“…hey.”
“Hey,” I whispered.
“I kept my promise.”
“You did,” I agreed.
“I want a present for doing that.”
I looked at him warily. “…what?”
“A kiss.”
I winced.
I wanted to so badly… but I knew I shouldn’t.
He saw my look. “Just a little one. Just three seconds.”
“I have morning breath!” I protested.
“So do I. I don’t care.”
“But – ”
He didn’t wait for an answer, he just lunged.
I giggled and shrieked and rolled over on my back to get away from him.
He rolled on top of me and fought to kiss my mouth, both of us laughing, wrestling –
And then his lips found mine, and I stopped struggling.
And kissed him back.
His lips pressed so soft and warm against mine… so sensual… and I could feel my whole body giving in to him, relaxing under his weight –
And then he broke it off and rolled away to the side.
“That’s all you get,” he teased.
“AAAH!” I yelled, and threw the pillow at him as he laughed.
71
I brushed my teeth and showered in the empty women’s bathroom down the hall. The entire time, I fantasized about him pulling back the curtain and barging in on me, entirely naked, his cock already hard, taking me against my protests, pinning my hands to the tile wall, ravishing me under the hot water –
But he didn’t come in.
I finished the shower, toweled off, dressed, and blow-dried my hair alone.
When I got back, he borrowed my mouthwash and went downstairs to the boy’s bathroom. When he got back, his breath smelled like mint…
…but his body still smelled like what we had done the night before. It lingered on his clothes and his hands, just the barest memory of a scent.
It was a very difficult thing to ignore as we talked and packed and loaded up my car.
72
After I signed my release paperwork with the Residential Advisor, we drove out to the Krispy Kreme on Highway 78 and ate doughnuts and drank milk and held hands under the table as we sat next to each other, side by side.
We stalled for as long as we could. We talked about his plans for the future, though we never touched on mine, for obvious reasons. We joked and teased each other and told stories. Overall we stayed away from anything serious.
But there was one thing I had to know.
“I have a question,” I said.
He smiled. “Uh oh, this sounds like you really have something to say.”
“I kind of do.”
“Alright. Shoot.”
“When you told Shanna that first time… that you…”
His green eyes stared into mine. “That I was in love with you.”
The words took my breath away, and his gaze was so intense that I had to avert my eyes.
“Yeah. That.” It took me a few more seconds to work up the courage to look at him. “Why’d you say it?”
“Because it was true.”
“But why’d you say it then? Most guys wouldn’t do that. What am I saying – nobody would do that.”
“Yeah, I know. But… you’re amazing, Kaitlyn. You’re, just… beautiful, and smart, and funny, and sexy, and strong… you’re the whole package. And I knew exactly what you saw when you looked at me: a guy who sleeps around, who came back with your roommate for a sleazy one-night stand. You don’t have to deny it, I could see it in your eyes. I figured the only way I could ever convince you I was for real is if I just laid it on the line… just put myself out there and let you see me. All of me. And maybe then you’d believe I was telling the truth. I figured that was the only shot I had with you. And that’s why I told her.”
I looked away, overcome.
And then I leaned my body into him and rested my head against his chest.
He stroked my hair and hugged me tight, and I hugged him back.
We must have sat like that for twenty minutes, just holding each other, never saying a word.
73
But eventually there came a point where we both knew I had to leave.
We walked out to my car and stood facing each other. There was a horrible, nauseating sadness in my stomach. If I could have put off this moment forever, I would have.
“I can give you a ride back,” I offered as I opened the driver’s door.
He shook his head. “I’ll take the bus… or I’ll call Ryan.”
“You don’t have a cell phone.”
He pointed at a telephone booth next to the Krispy Kreme. “They have these awesome new telephones that take quarters and – bam! – you can talk to anybody.”
I recognized my own words being used against me. I gave him a look, then smiled as I pulled my phone out of my purse. “You want to use mine?”
He grinned, took it and dialed, and asked Ryan to come get him.
“…but take your time,” he said before he hung up.
He handed the phone back to me.
“…I guess this is it,” I whispered. I could feel myself perilously close to crying.
“It doesn’t have to be.”
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
He took my hands in his.
“Stay with me,” he whispered, his green eyes gazing deep into mine.
My lips trembled. “I… I can’t…”
“Yes you can. If you really want to, you can. Stay with me. You can stay at Ryan’s house for a couple of weeks… I know they’ll let you stay there until I can find a second job, a better job. I’ll get a better place, you can live with me and go to school while Ryan and I do the band…”
I had to look away. Tears filled my eyes. “I… I’m supposed to go to Syracuse…”
“You can keep going here. You can go to journalism school here.”
“I already told them I’m leaving…”
“They’ll let you back in. Stay with me.”
I started crying. “I can’t.”
He took my face in his hands and looked at me so sweetly, it hurt. “If you walk away now, you’re going to regret it for the rest of your life.”
“…if I don’t walk away now, I’m going to regret it, too.”
He tried again. “Then just stay with me one more week.”
I shook my head.
He tried to bargain. “Then three days… two days, even… just two more days…”
I shook my head every time.
“Then give me just one more night,” he pleaded. “I want to make love to you… give me that, at least…”
“I can’t,” I cried.
“It’s better to regret the things you did than the things you didn’t.”
I shook my head as the tears coursed down my cheeks. “Not if it hurts someone you love.”
“He’ll never know,” he whispered.
“I will.”
“Stay with me, Kaitlyn… please. Stay.”
I was bawling now, my body shaking and trembling.
He saw I wasn’t going to give in, and he relented. He smiled at me so sadly, so sweetly, and then he leaned over and softly pressed his lips to mine, kissing me through my tears.
He pulled back and looked me in the eyes. “Have a wonderful life. I love you.”
My heart broke when he said that.
“I love you too,” I sobbed – and then, afraid of what I might do if I stayed one second longer, I jumped in the car, cranked the key, and tore away.
I could barely see through my tears, but I saw him in my rearview mirror, watching me go, never turning away, until he receded into the distance and disappeared.