30
We’d been trailing Ryan and Shanna for about three aisles when we turned the corner and found ourselves in the kids toys area. There was one of those six-foot-tall containers, a big rectangular wire structure, full of brightly-colored rubber balls.
Derek went over and grabbed a pink, swirly-colored one. He served it volleyball-style to me –
And I just let it hit the ground and bounce twice before I grabbed it.
“Come onnnnn,” Derek complained, like If you were cool you would do it.
“No,” I whispered, and looked around in alarm. “We’re going to get in trouble.”
“So?”
“I don’t want to get in trouble.”
“You just know I’d kick your ass in grocery store volleyball, that’s all.”
“I don’t think so. I was on my high school team.”
“Yeah, right.” He started imitating a chicken. “Baawwk - bok - bok - bok!”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Fine.” I picked up the ball. “Ready, punk?”
“Ready, Ms. High School Volleyball Queen.”
I hit it to him. He hit it back – and then I jumped up and spiked it at his feet.
“Booyah, bee-yotch,” I said, throwing up my arms in victory.
“Hey, no fair, no spiking!” he laughed.
“‘No fairrrr, no spiking,’” I mocked him in a girly voice, then shook my head in mock disgust. “You’re such a wimp.”
“Oh yeah?” he asked as he picked the ball up, an undercurrent of aggression beneath the humor.
“Yeah,” I taunted him.
“Where’s the line?”
I pointed at the beginning of the toy section, where the cereal boxes ended.
“And where’s the net?”
“Top shelf.”
“Okay. Get ready, bee-yotch,” he grinned.
“Bring it.”
I couldn’t believe how much fun I was having.
We volleyed back and forth, him laughing, me giggling, hitting the swirly pink ball through the air.
“Party foul!” Derek yelled when I sent a pile of Raisin Bran boxes toppling to the floor.
“Shhhh!” I hissed at him.
“PARTY FOOOUUUL!” he yelled even louder, just to spite me.
Ryan and Shanna turned the corner just in time to see me spike another one. Apparently they’d already been through the checkout, because Ryan was carrying two plastic bags of groceries.
Shanna laughed when she saw me stuff the ball in Derek’s face.
Ryan panicked.
“What are you guys doing?” he asked, shocked.
“Waitin’ on you,” Derek said. “Come on, you’re on my team. Boys against girls. Shanna, get over there.”
“Okay!” Shanna squealed and ran over beside me.
“I don’t think this is such a good idea,” I said uneasily.
“Yeah, you’re going to get us thrown out,” Ryan agreed.
“No I’m not. Here.”
Derek held out the ball.
“No,” Ryan said.
Derek threw the ball right in Ryan’s face.
It bounced off harmlessly. Ryan just stood there like a statue, like he was not going to play this game.
Shanna and I laughed. It was impossible not to, with him acting all mature and Derek throwing his arms out like Whatcha gonna do, punk?
Ryan just glowered at Derek. “NO. This is stupid, cut it out.”
Derek reached in the bottom of the wire contraption and pulled out another ball, a yellow one. The entire time he stared at Ryan, his expression saying, Oh – look at that – oh, I got a ball! Oh crap! I’m gonna throw it! Holy crap! Whatcha gonna do? WHATCHA GONNA DO?
Ryan pointed at Derek like someone pointing at a dog about to poop on their lawn. “Don’t you dare – ”
BONK. The yellow ball smacked his face and bounced onto the ground, tap, tap, tap.
Ryan gritted his teeth but stayed where he was.
Derek took a victory strut, holding his arms out and nodding at me and Shanna like he was some kind of wrestler being an intentional a-hole for the crowd.
“Quit playing around, Derek,” Ryan ordered.
Derek got another ball. He did the exact same facial expressions – Uh oh – I got another ball – oh, oh, here it comes – here it comes – whatcha gonna do? WHATCHA GONNA DO?
Ryan cocked his head to the side. “I swear to God – ”
Derek threw the ball.
BONK. Right in Ryan’s face.
“Okay, that’s it,” Ryan growled.
He plunked down the groceries, reached in the top of the wire container – which, at six three with long arms, was easy for him – and grabbed a ball in each hand.
“Ohhhh, it’s on NOW!” Derek hooted and grabbed the pink swirly ball off the floor.
Ryan threw and SMACKED Derek on the back of the head.
Basically, that started an all-out war.
“Guys, cut it out!” I said, nervous through my laughter.
Derek turned around and nailed me in the stomach with the pink swirly.
“OH NO YOU DID NOT,” I shouted, grabbed the ball, and threw it back.
Shanna shrieked and joined in, and it turned into a free-for-all. Rubber balls flew through the air and hit us all in the head and blasted cereal boxes off the shelf by the dozen.
It lasted for about 20 seconds before an angry voice shouted, “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?”
We all stopped and turned to see the store manager, an angry older man in a red vest, staring us down.
Ohhhhh shit.
We all stood there in mortified silence, the balls tap tap tapping around our feet, bounces dying out until they rolled across the floor.
Well, we all stood there in mortified silence – except Derek.
“Just playing with your balls, man,” he said jovially.
OH MY GOD.
Shanna snorted and covered her mouth with her hand.
The store manager stared at him in shock. “WHAT did you just say?!”
“Your balls. We’re just playing with them.” Derek held up a swirly blue ball in one hand. “Don’t worry, we’re not licking them.”
The manager was turning red. A single vein stood out on his forehead.
“I’m sorry, sir,” Ryan said, blushing furiously as he stooped to pick up some cereal boxes and put them on the shelves. “We’ll clean it up.”
I started helping him, grabbing things and putting them back in their places.
“Oh, you’ll clean it up, alright!” the manager shouted. “Every last bit of it!”
“We will, I promise – ”
“Hey, man, don’t sweat it,” Derek said. “Nobody likes sweaty balls.”
OH MY GOD.
Shanna could barely contain herself.
The manager looked at Derek as though he were about two inches away from pummeling him to death.
“I’m going to pay for one,” Derek explained, his voice deadpan. “I just really, really had to play with them, that’s all. I couldn’t help myself.”
Shanna was dying trying to contain her laughter.
“YOU!” the manager shouted at Derek.
“You got some big balls, man,” Derek said somberly. “And a lot of them. Some people only have two, and you’ve got, what, like, twenty?”
“GET THE HELL OUT OF MY STORE!”
“All of us, or just me? I mean, we were all handling your balls – ”
“ALL OF YOU! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY STORE NOW!”
Ryan grabbed the groceries and we beat a hasty retreat.
“Love your balls, man!” Derek shouted as we left.
Out in the parking lot, Shanna almost collapsed on the ground. Derek could not have been happier with himself. I was half-mortified, half-laughing.
Ryan was not amused.
“DUDE, my mom SHOPS there!” he yelled at Derek.
“Come onnn, I was just having a little fun,” Derek grinned. “Besides, we didn’t have to clean up.”
Ryan hauled off and hit Derek in the shoulder. Derek yelped, but stayed grinning throughout and didn’t retaliate.
“Why you gotta be a jerk all the time?” Ryan yelled.
“I’m not – just to a*sholes with no sense of humor.”
“He wasn’t an a*shole – ”
“Stay away from the a*shole,” Derek said seriously, “and just play with the balls.”
Shanna was howling by now.
I couldn’t hold it together anymore. I laughed so hard I started crying.
Even Ryan gave in, and broke out in a grin.
“You dick,” he said, angrily but with a smile.
“No, that’s what you suck,” Derek said, as though he were explaining the birds and bees to a slow child.
Ryan punched him in the arm all the way to the car. Shanna and I had to hold each other up, we were laughing so hard.