Chapter Nine
I know Lake doesn’t like me right now, but she definitely doesn’t hate me, either. I can’t help but wonder if I should back off and give her the space she's asking for. Part of me wants to respect where she’s coming from, but part of me is scared that if I do back off, she may decide she likes the space. I’m terrified of that. So maybe I won’t give her space. I wish I knew where to draw the line between desperation and suffocation.
Reece is in the kitchen drinking coffee. I haven’t seen a lot of him, but the fact that he always has coffee ready is almost worth having him stay here.
“What are your plans today?” he says when I walk into the kitchen.
“I have to go to Detroit to get the boys at some point. You want to go with me?”
He shakes his head. “Can’t. I have plans with…I have plans today.” He looks away nervously as he rinses out his coffee cup.
I laugh and take my own cup out of the cabinet. “You don’t have to hide it. I already told you I was cool with it.”
He places his cup upside down in the strainer and turns to face me. “It’s still a little weird, though. I mean, I don’t want you to think I was trying to get with her while you two were together. It wasn’t like that.”
“Stop worrying about it, Reece. Really. Oddly enough, it’s not weird for me at all. What is a little weird is just a few days ago she was professing her love for me, but now she's about to spend the day with you. Does that not bother you just a little bit?”
He grins at me as he grabs his wallet and keys off the counter and exits the kitchen. "Believe me, Will. I've got skills. When Vaughn's with me, you'll be the last thing on her mind."
Reece has never been much for modesty. He puts his jacket on and heads toward the front door to leave. As soon as the front door shuts, my phone vibrates. I pull it out of my pocket and smile. It’s a text from Lake.
What time will Kel be home today? I have to go pick up a textbook on backorder and I won’t be home for a while.
The text seems too impersonal. I read it a few times, trying to gain hints from any hidden meanings in it. Unfortunately, I'm pretty positive her text stated exactly what she intended to say. I text her back, hoping to somehow talk her into going with me to pick the boys up.
Where are you going to pick up textbooks? Detroit?
I’m pretty sure I know which bookstore she’s going to in Detroit. I know it’s a long shot but I’m hoping I can trap her into riding with me instead of taking her own car. She replies almost immediately.
Yes. What time will Kel be home?
She’s so hard to crack. I hate her short responses.
I’m going to Detroit to pick them up later. Why don’t you just ride with me? I can take you to get your book.
This could be good. Having the long drive to talk things over might really give me a chance to convince her that things need to go back to the way they were.
I don’t think that’s a good idea. I’m sorry.
Or not. Why does she have to be so damn difficult? I throw my phone on the couch and don’t even bother with texting her back. I walk to the window and pathetically stare at her house again. At first, I thought she would get over this pretty fast, but it's been days. I hate the fact that her need for space is stronger than her need for me. I really need her to go to Detroit with me today.
***
I can’t believe I’m doing this. As I’m crossing the street, I double check to make sure she isn't peeking out the window. She’ll be so pissed if she catches me doing this. I quickly open her car door and push the lever to pop the hood. I have to work fast. I decide the best way to disable her jeep is to disconnect the battery. It’s probably the most obvious, but she would never notice considering her lack of mechanical knowledge. As soon as I succeed with my goal I glance toward her window again, then make a mad dash back home. When I shut the door behind me, I almost regret what I just did. Almost.
***
I wait for her to come out of her house that afternoon before I leave. I watch as she attempts to crank her vehicle, but the car doesn't start. Obviously. She hits the steering wheel out of frustration and swings open her car door. This is my opportunity. I grab my things and head out the front door to my car, pretending not to notice her. When I back up and pull onto the street, she has her hood up. I stop in front of her driveway and roll down my window.
“What’s wrong? Car won’t start?”
She peers around the front of the hood and shakes her head. I pull my car over and get out to take a look. She steps aside and allows me by without speaking. I fidget with a few wires here and there and pretend to try to crank her car a couple of times. The whole time, she’s just silently standing back.
“Looks like your battery is shot,” I lie. “If you want, I can pick a new one up for you while I’m in Detroit. Or…you could just ride with me and I’ll take you to get your book.” I smile at her, hoping she’ll cave.
She looks back at her house, then at me. She looks torn. “No, I’ll just ask Eddie. I don’t think she has plans today.”
This isn’t what I need her to say. This isn’t going how I had planned. Play it cool, Will.
“I’m just offering you a ride. We both need to go to Detroit anyway. It’s ridiculous to get Eddie involved just because you don’t want to talk to me right now.” I use the authoritative tone I’ve perfected on her. It usually works.
She hesitates.
"Lake, you can carve pumpkins the whole trip. Whatever you need. Just get in the car," I say.
She scowls at me and then turns and grabs her purse out of the jeep. “Fine. But don’t think this means anything.” She walks down the driveway and toward my car.
I’m glad she’s in front of me, because I can’t hide my excitement as I punch at the air with my fists. An entire day together is exactly what we need.
***
As soon as we pull away, she turns The Avett Brothers up on the car stereo; her way of letting me know she's carving pumpkins. The first few miles to Detroit are awkward. I keep wanting to bring everything up, but I don’t know how. Kel and Caulder will be with us on the way home, so I know if I want to lay it all out there, I have to do it now.
I reach over and turn the volume down. She’s got her foot propped up on the dash and she’s staring out the window in an attempt to avoid confrontation like she always does. When she notices I’ve turned down the volume, she glances at me and sees me staring at her, then returns her attention back out the window. “Don’t, Will. I told you…we need time. I don’t want to talk about it.”
She is so damn frustrating. I sigh and shake my head, feeling another round of defeat coming on. "Could you at least give me an estimate of how long you'll be carving pumpkins? It'd be nice to know how long I have to suffer," I say. I don't try and mask my aggravation. This space thing is really starting to annoy me. I can tell by her physical reaction that I said the absolute wrong thing again.
"I knew this was a bad idea," she mumbles.
My hands grip the steering wheel even tighter. You would think after a year I would have found a way to get through to her, or to manipulate her in some way. She’s almost impenetrable. I have to remind myself that her indomitable will is one of the reasons I fell in love with her in the first place.
Neither of us says another word during the remainder of the drive. It doesn't help that neither of us turns the radio back up, either. The entire trip is incredibly awkward as I try my best to search for the right thing to say and she tries her best to pretend I don’t exist. As soon as we arrive at the bookstore in Detroit and I pull into a parking spot, she swings open the car door and runs inside. I’d like to think she’s running from the cold, but I know she’s running from me. From confrontation.
While she’s inside, I get a text from my grandfather informing me that my grandmother is cooking us dinner. His text ended with the word “roast,” preceded by a hashtag.
"Great," I mutter to myself. I know Lake has no intentions of spending the evening with my grandparents. As soon as I text my grandfather letting him know we’re almost there, she returns to the car.
“They’re cooking dinner for us. We won't stay long,” I say.
She sighs. “How convenient. Well, then take me to get a new battery first so we can get it over with.”
I don’t respond as I pull out of the bookstore and head toward my grandparent’s house. She’s been to their house a couple of times before, so she knows when we get closer that I have no intentions of stopping at the store.
“You've passed like three stores that sell batteries," she says. "We need to get one now in case it's too late on our way back."
“You don’t need a battery. Your battery is fine,” I say.
I avoid looking over at her but I can see her watching me, waiting for more explanation.
I don’t immediately respond. I flick the blinker on and turn onto my grandparent’s street. When I pull into their driveway, I turn the car off and tell her the truth. What harm could it do at this point?
“I unhooked your battery cable before you tried to leave today.” I don’t wait for her reaction as I get out of the car and slam the door. I’m not sure why I slam the car door. I’m not mad at her, I’m just frustrated. Frustrated that she doubts me after all this time.
“You what!?” she yells. When she gets out of the car, she slams her door intentionally.
I keep walking, shielding the wind and snow with my jacket until I reach the front door. She rushes after me. I almost walk inside without knocking but remember how it feels, so I knock.
“I said I unhooked your battery cable. How else was I going to convince you to ride with me?”
"That's real mature, Will." She huddles closer to the front door, further away from the wind. I hear footsteps nearing the entryway from inside when she turns to face me. She opens her mouth like she's about to say something else, then rolls her eyes and turns away. The front door swings open and my grandmother steps aside to let us in.
“Hi Sara,” Lake says with a fake smile as she hugs my grandmother.
My grandmother returns her hug and I walk in behind them.
“You two got here just in time. Kel and Caulder are setting the table,” she says. “Will, take both your jackets and go put them in the dryer to get the snow off so they won’t be so wet when you leave.”
My grandmother walks back toward the kitchen and I remove my jacket and head to the laundry room without offering to take Lake’s. I smile when I hear her stomping angrily after me. Being the nice guy has obviously not helped my case at all, so I guess I’ll just start being the jerk. I throw my jacket into the dryer and step aside so she can do the same. After she shoves her jacket inside, she slams the dryer door shut and turns it on. She spins around to exit the laundry room but I'm blocking her way. She shoots me a dirty look and tries to ease passed me, but I don’t budge. She steps back and folds her arms across her chest and looks away, giving me the silent treatment. She’s going to stand here until I move out of her way. I’m going to stand here until she talks to me. I guess we'll be here all night.
She tightens her ponytail and leans against the dryer, crossing her legs at the ankles. I lean against the laundry room door and stand in the same position as I stare her down, waiting for something. I'm not sure what it is I'm trying to get out of her right now; I just want her to talk to me.
She wipes snow off the shoulder of her shirt. She's wearing the Avett shirt I bought her at the concert we went to no less than a month ago. We had the best time that night; I never would have imagined then that we would be in the predicament we’re in right now.
I finally give in and speak first. "You know, for someone giving me the silent treatment like a five-year-old, you sure are quick to accuse me of being immature."
She cocks her eyebrows at me and laughs. "Seriously? You have me trapped in a laundry room, Will! Who's being immature?"
She tries to move past me again, but I continue to block her way. She's flush against me now as she pathetically tries to shove against my chest to get by. I have to fight the urge to wrap my arms around her. We're practically face to face when she finally gives up again and stops pushing me. She's inches from me now, staring at the floor, waiting for me to get out of her way. She may have her doubts about my feelings for her, but there is no way she can doubt the sexual tension between us. I take her chin in my hand and gently pull her face toward mine.
“Lake,” I whisper. “I’m not sorry about what I did to your car. I’m desperate. I’d do anything at this point just to be with you. I miss you.”
She looks away so I bring my other hand to her face and force her to look me in the eyes. She tries to pull my hands away but I refuse to let go. The tension between us increases as we hold each other's stare. I can tell she wants to hate me so bad right now, but she loves me too much. There’s a struggle of emotion in her eyes. She can't decide whether or not she wants to punch me or kiss me.
I take advantage of her moment of weakness and slowly lean in and touch my lips to hers. She presses her hands against my chest and half-heartedly tries to push me away, but she doesn’t pull her mouth away from mine. Rather than honor her request for ‘space,’ I lean into her even further and part her lips with mine. Her hands weaken their pressure against my chest as her stubbornness finally caves and she lets me kiss her.
I place my hand on the back of her head and slowly move my lips in rhythm with hers. Our kiss is different this time. Rather than push it to the point of retreat like we've been doing, we continue to slowly kiss, pausing every few seconds to look at each other. It's almost as if neither of us believes this is happening. I feel like this kiss is my last chance to remove any doubt from her head, so I pour every single emotion I have into it. Now that I have her back in my arms, I’m afraid to let her go. I take a step forward and she takes a step back until we end up against the dryer. The situation we’re in reminds me of the last time we were alone together in a laundry room over a year ago.
It was the day after her kiss with Javi at Club N9NE. The moment I walked around his truck and saw his mouth on hers, I immediately felt a jealousy coupled with an intense hurt like nothing I’ve ever experienced. I had never been in a physical fight before. The fact that he was my student and I was his teacher was lost on me as soon as I began to pull him off of her. I don’t know what would have happened if Gavin wouldn't have shown up when he did.
The day after the fight when I heard Lake tell her version of events, I felt like such an idiot that I actually believed she had kissed him back. I knew her better than that, and hated myself for assuming the worst. As difficult as it was that day to allow her to continue to believe I had chosen my career over her, I knew it was the right thing to do at the time. That night in her laundry room though, I allowed my emotions to take control over my conscience, and I almost messed up the best thing that ever happened to me.
I push the fear of losing her again out of my mind as I continue to kiss her. She moves her hands to my neck, sending chills down my entire body. Slow and steady loses out as we simultaneously pick up the pace. When she runs her hands through my hair, it sends me over the edge. I grab her by the waist and lift her up until she's seated on the dryer. Out of every single kiss we've ever shared, this is by far the best. I place my hands on the outside of her thighs and pull her to the edge of the dryer and she wraps her legs around me. Just as my lips meet the spot directly below her ear, she gasps and shoves against my chest.
“Eh hem,” my grandmother says, rudely interrupting one of the best moments of my life.
Lake immediately jumps off the dryer and I step back. My grandmother is standing in the doorway with her arms crossed, glaring at us. Lake straightens her shirt out and looks down at her feet, embarrassed.
“Well it’s nice to see you two made up,” my grandmother says, eyeing me disapprovingly. “Dinner is ready when you can find the time to join us at the table.” She turns and walks away.
As soon as she’s gone, I turn back to Lake and wrap my arms around her again. “Babe, I’ve missed you so bad.”
“Stop,” she says, pulling away from me. "Just stop."
Her sudden hostility is unexpected...and confusing. “What do you mean stop? You were just kissing me back, Lake."
She looks up at me, agitated. She seems disappointed in herself. "I guess I had a weak moment," she says in a mocking tone.
I recognize the phrase, and more than likely deserve her reaction.
"Lake, quit doing this to yourself. I know you love me."
She lets out a sigh as though she's unsuccessfully trying to get through to a child. “Will, I’m not struggling with whether or not I love you. It’s whether or not you really love me.” She heads into the dining room, leaving me behind in yet another laundry room.
I punch the wall, frustrated at what just happened between us. I thought for a second I finally got through to her. I don't know how much longer I can take this. She's starting to piss me off.
***
“This roast is delicious, Sara," Lake says to my grandmother. "You'll have to give me the recipe."
I snatch the bowl of potatoes off the table in front of me and silently seethe at the way Lake is so casually exchanging pleasantries with my grandmother. I have no appetite, but I pile on the food anyway. I know my grandmother and if I don’t eat, she’ll be offended. I scoop potatoes onto my plate, then take an exaggerated spoonful and drop them onto Lake's plate, right on top of her roast. She's seated next to me, doing her best to pretend nothing is amiss as she eyes the massive mound of potatoes in front of her. I don't know if she's putting on this fake display of happiness for my grandparent's sake or for Kel and Caulder's sake. Maybe for the sake of all of them.
"Layken, did you know Grandpaul used to be in a band?" Kel says.
"No, I didn’t. And did you just call him Grandpaul?" Lake says.
"Yeah. That's my new name for him."
"I like it," my grandfather says. "Can I call you Grandkel?"
Kel smiles and nods at him.
"Will you call me Grandcaulder?" Caulder asks.
"Sure thing, Grandcaulder," he says.
"What was the name of your band, Grandpaul?" Lake asks.
It's almost scary how good she is at putting up a front. I make a mental note to remember this little detail about her for future reference.
"Well, I was in several actually," he replies. "It was just a hobby when I was younger. I played the guitar."
"That's neat," she says. She takes a bite of her food and talks with a mouthful. "You know, Kel has always wanted to learn how to play the guitar. I've been thinking about putting him in lessons." She wipes her mouth and takes a sip of water.
"Why? You should just get Will to teach him," Grandpaul says.
Lake turns and looks at me. "I wasn't aware that Will knew how to play the guitar," she says in a somewhat accusatory tone.
I guess I've never shared this with her. It's not like I was trying to keep it from her, I just haven't played in a couple of years. Of course, I'm sure she thinks it's just another secret I've been hiding from her.
"You've never played for her?" he says to me.
I shrug. "I don't own a guitar."
Lake is still glaring at me. "This is really interesting, Will," she says sarcastically. "There sure is a lot about you I don't know."
I look at her straight faced. "Actually, Babe…there isn't. You pretty much know everything about me."
She shakes her head and places her elbows on the table and squints her eyes at me, putting on that fake smile I’m really growing to hate. "No, Sweetie. I don't think I do know everything about you.” She says this in a tone that only I could recognize as her false enthusiasm.
"I didn't know you played the guitar. I also didn't know you were getting a roommate. In fact, this ‘Reece’ seems to have been a pretty big part of your life, and you've never even mentioned him….along with a few other ‘old friends’ that have popped up recently."
I set my fork down on my plate and wipe my mouth with my napkin. Everyone at the table is staring at me, waiting for me to speak. I smile at my grandmother who seems oblivious to what's going on between Lake and I. She smiles back at me, interested in my response. I decide to raise the stakes, so I wrap my arm around Lake and pull her closer to me and kiss her on the forehead.
"You're right, Layken." I say her entire first name with her same feigned enthusiasm. I know how much it pisses her off. "I did fail to mention a few old friends from my past. I guess this means we'll just have to spend a lot more time together, getting to know every single aspect of each other's lives." I pinch her chin with my thumb and finger and smile at her as she narrows her eyes at me.
"Reece is back? He's living with us?" Caulder asks.
I nod. "He needed a place to crash for a month or so."
"Why isn't he staying with his mother?" my grandmother asks.
"She got remarried while he was overseas. He doesn't get along with his new step-dad, so he's looking for his own place," I say.
Lake leans forward in an attempt to inconspicuously remove my arm that's draped around her shoulder. Instead, I squeeze her tighter and pull my chair closer to hers. "Lake sure made a good first impression when she met Reece," I say, referring to her shirtless tantrum in my living room. "Right, Sweetie?"
She presses the heel of her boot into the top of my foot and smiles back at me. "Right," she says. She scoots her chair back and stands up. "Excuse me. I need to go to the restroom." She slaps her napkin down on the table and gives me the eye as she walks away.
Everyone else at the table is oblivious to her anger.
"You two seem to have moved past your hump from last week," my grandfather says after she's disappeared down the hallway.
"Yep. Getting along great," I say. I shove a spoonful of potatoes in my mouth.
Lake remains in the bathroom for quite a while. When she returns, she doesn't speak much. Kel, Caulder and Grandpaul talk video games while Lake and I finish our meals in silence.
"Will, can you help me in the kitchen?" my grandmother says.
My grandmother is the last person that would ask for help in the kitchen. I'm either about to change a light bulb or receive a lecture. I get up from the table and grab mine and Lake's plates and follow her through the kitchen door.
"What's that all about?" she says as I scrape food off the plates and into the disposal.
"What's what all about?" I reply.
She wipes her hands on the dish towel and leans against the counter. "She's not very happy with you, Will. I may be old, but I know a woman's scorn when I see one. Do you want to talk about it?"
She's more observant than I give her credit for.
"I guess it can't hurt at this point," I say, leaning against the kitchen counter next to her. "She's pissed at me. The whole thing with Vaughn last week left her doubting me. Now she thinks I'm with her just because I feel sorry for her and Kel."
"Why are you with her?" my grandmother asks.
"Because. I'm in love with her," I say.
"Well, I suggest you better show her," she says. She takes the rag and begins wiping down the counter.
"I have. I can't tell you how many times I've told her. I can't get it through her head. Now she wants me to leave her alone so she can think. I'm getting so frustrated; I don't know what else I can do."
My grandmother rolls her eyes at my perceived ignorance. "A guy can tell a girl he's in love with her until he's blue in the face. Words don't mean anything to a woman when her head’s full of doubt. You have to show her."
"How? What else can I do? I disabled her car so she’d have to ride here with me today. Short of stalking her, I don't know what else I can do to show her."
My pathetic confession prompts a disapproving look from her. "That's more like a good way to get yourself put in jail, not win back the heart of the girl you're in love with," she says.
"I know. It was stupid. I was desperate. I’m out of ideas."
She walks to the refrigerator and pulls out a pie. She sets in on the counter next to me and starts cutting slices. "I think the first step is for you to take some time to question just why you're in love with her, then figure out a way to relay that to her. In the meantime, you need to give her the space she needs. I'm surprised that little spectacle you just pulled at dinner didn't get you punched."
"The night is still young."
My grandmother laughs and places a slice of pie onto a plate, then turns around and hands it to me. "I like her, Will. You better not screw this up. She's good for Caulder."
My grandmother's comment surprises me. "Really? I didn't think you liked her very much."
She continues slicing sections of the pie. "I know you think that, but I do like her. What I don't like is the way you're always all over her when you're around her. Some things are better left in private. And I'm referring to the bedroom, not the laundry room," she says as she whips her head around and frowns at me.
I didn't realize how publicly I flaunted my affection toward Lake. Now that my grandmother and Lake have both brought it up, it's kind of embarrassing. I guess the laundry room incident from earlier also didn't help to dissuade the opinion Lake thinks my grandmother has of her.
"Grandma?" I ask as I pick at my dessert. She never gave me a fork so I tear off a piece of the crust and pop it in my mouth.
“Hum?” She notices me eating with my hands so she reaches into the drawer, pulls out a fork and drops it on my plate.
"She’s still a virgin, you know."
My grandmother’s eyes grow wide and she turns back toward the pie to cut another slice. "Will, that's none of my business."
"I know," I say. "I just want you to know that about her. I don't want you thinking the opposite of her."
She turns and hands me two more plates of dessert, then grabs two of her own and nudges her head toward the kitchen door. "You have a good heart, Will. She'll come around. You just need to give her time."
***
Lake sits in the backseat with Kel on the way home and Caulder rides in front with me. The three of them talk the entire ride home. Kel and Caulder are droning on about everything they did with Grandpaul. I don't say a word. I tune them out and drive in silence.
After I pull into my driveway and we all get out of the car, I follow Lake and Kel as they make their way across the street. She heads inside without saying a word. I pop the hood on her jeep and reconnect the battery, then shut it and head back to my house.
It’s not even ten o’clock at night yet. I’m not tired at all. Caulder’s in bed and Reece is more than likely still out with Vaughn. I sit down on the couch and turn the T.V. on when someone knocks at the door.
Who would be coming over this late? Who would knock? I open the door and my stomach flips when I see Lake shivering on the patio. She doesn't look angry, which is a good sign. Her hands are pulling her jacket tightly around her neck. She's got her snow boots pulled on over her pajama bottoms. She looks ridiculous…and beautiful.
“Hey,” I say, a little too eagerly. “Here for another star?” I step aside and she walks in. “Why’d you knock?” I ask, shutting the door behind her.
I hate that she knocked on my door. She never knocks. That small gesture reveals some sort of change in our entire relationship that I can’t pinpoint, but I know I don't like it.
She just shrugs her shoulders. “Can I talk to you?”
“I wish you would talk to me,” I say. We both make our way to the couch. Normally, she would curl up next to me and sit on her feet. This time, she makes sure there’s plenty of space between us as she drops down on the opposite end of the couch. If I’ve learned anything at all this week, it’s the fact that I hate space. Space sucks.
She looks at me and attempts to muster a smile, but it doesn’t come off right. It looks more like she’s trying not to pity me.
“Promise me you'll hear me out without arguing first," she says. "I'd like to have a mature conversation with you."
"Lake, you can't sit there and say I don't hear you out. It's impossible to hear you out when you're carving pumpkins all the damn time!"
"See? Right there. Don't do that," she says.
I grab the throw pillow next to me and cover my face with it to muffle a frustrated groan. She's impossible. I bring the pillow back down and rest my elbow on it as I get comfortable and prepare for her lecture.
"I'm listening," I say.
"I don’t think you understand where I’m coming from at all. You have no clue why I'm having doubts, do you?”
She’s right, I don’t. “Enlighten me,” I say.
She takes her jacket off and throws it over the back of the couch and gets comfortable. I was wrong, she’s not here to lecture; I can tell by the way she’s speaking to me. She’s here to have a serious conversation, so I decide to respectfully hear her out.
“I know you love me, Will. I was wrong to say that earlier. I know you do. And I love you, too.”
It’s obvious this confession is merely just a preface to something else she’s about to say. Something I don’t want to hear.
“But after hearing the things Vaughn said to you, it made me look at our relationship in a different way." She pulls her legs up on the couch and sits Indian style, facing me. "Think about it. I started thinking back on that night at the slam last year, when I finally told you how I felt. What if I wouldn’t have shown up that night? What if I wouldn’t have come to you and told you how much I loved you? You would have never even read me your slam. You would have taken the job at the junior high and we probably wouldn’t even be together. So you can see where my doubt comes into play, right? It seems like you just wanted to sit back and let the chips fall where they may. You didn’t fight for me. You were just going to let me go. You did let me go.”
I did let her go, but not for the reasons she’s telling herself. She knows this. Why does she doubt it now? I do my best to be patient when I respond, but my emotions are all jumbled up. I’m frustrated, I’m pissed, I’m happy she’s here. It’s exhausting. I hate fighting.
“You know why I had to let you go, Lake. There were bigger things going on last year than just us. Your mother needed you. She didn’t know how much time she had. The way we felt about each other would have interfered with your time left with her, and you would have hated yourself for it later. That’s the only reason why I gave up, and you know that.”
She shakes her head in disagreement. “It's more than that, Will. We’ve both experienced more grief in the past couple of years than most people experience in a lifetime. Think about the effect that had on us. When we finally found each other, our grief is how we related. Then when we found out we couldn’t be together, it made it even worse. Especially since Kel and Caulder were best friends by then. We had to interact constantly which made it even harder to shut off our feelings. And then to top it all off, my mom ended up having cancer and I was about to become a guardian, just like you. That's how we related. There were all these external influences at play. Almost like life was forcing us together.”
I let her continue without interrupting her as she requested I do, but I just want to scream out of sheer frustration. I’m not sure what point she’s getting at, but it seems to me she’s been thinking way too hard.
“Remove all the external factors for a second,” she says. “Imagine if things were like this: your parents are alive. My mom is alive. Kel and Caulder aren’t best friends. We aren’t both guardians with huge responsibilities. We have no sense of obligation to help each other out. You were never my teacher, therefore we never had to experience those months of emotional torture. We’re just a young couple with absolutely no responsibilities or life experiences tying us together. Now tell me, if all that was our current reality, what is it about me that you love? Why would you want to be with me?”
“This is ridiculous,” I mutter. “That’s not our reality, Lake. Maybe some of those things are why we’re in love. What’s wrong with that? Why would it matter? Love is love.”
She scoots closer to me on the couch and takes my hands in hers, looking me straight in the eyes. “It matters, Will. It matters because five or ten years from now, those external factors aren’t going to be at play in our relationship anymore. It’ll just be you and me. My biggest fear is that you’ll wake up one day and realize all the reasons you’re in love with me are gone. Kel and Caulder won’t be here to depend on either of us. Our parent’s will be a fleeting memory. We’ll both have careers that could support us individually. If these are the reasons you love me, there won’t be anything left to hold you to me other than your conscience. And knowing you, you would live with it internally because you’re too good of a person to break my heart. I don’t want to be the reason you end up with regrets.”
She stands up and puts her jacket back on. I start to protest everything she says but as soon as I open my mouth she interrupts me. “Don’t,” she says with a serious look on her face. “I want you to think about this before you object. I don’t care if it takes you days or weeks or months. I don’t want to hear from you again until you can be completely real with me and leave my feelings for you out of your decision. You owe this to me, Will. You owe it to me to make sure we aren’t about to live a life together that someday you’ll regret.”
She walks out the door and calmly closes it behind her.
Months? Did she just say she didn’t care if it takes months?
She did. She said months.
My god, everything she said makes sense. She’s completely wrong, but it makes sense. I get it. I can see why she’s questioning everything. I can see why she doubts me now.
Half an hour goes by before I even so much as move a muscle. I’m completely lost in thought. When I finally break free from the trance I’m in, I come to just one conclusion. My grandmother is right. Lake needs me to show her why I love her.
I start to formulate a plan when I decide to grab inspiration out of the jar first. I unfold the star and read it.
“Life’s hard. It’s even harder when you’re stupid.”
― John Wayne
I sigh. I miss Julia’s sense of humor.
Tuesday, January 24th, 2012
The heart of a man
is no heart at all
If his heart isn’t loved by a woman.
The heart of a woman
is no heart at all
If her heart isn’t loving a man.
But the heart of a man and a woman in love
Can be worse than not having a heart
Because at least if you have no heart at all
It can’t die when it breaks apart.