Despite his best intentions, the memories returned. The split second of disbelief followed by searing pain. Pain that exploded, pain that was unendurable. He remembered screaming and scrambling, trying to get away, begging her to make it stop. And when he managed to crawl out, she pushed him in again.
The rest of it was a blur. It was a cold day and when he managed to get outside, still screaming, he threw himself into a snowbank. But the cold didn’t help. Nothing helped. He screamed and screamed until the sirens came. He remembered men surrounding him, telling him he would be all right. Even then, he’d known they were lying.
“I was in the hospital for a long time,” he continued, sparing her the worst of the details.
“Did you ever see her again?”
“No, she went to prison. She died there.” He shrugged. “By then it didn’t matter. I lived at the hospital. The doctors and nurses were my family. I had a lot of surgeries. For reasons I can’t explain, my hands were untouched. Within the first year I realized I wanted to be a doctor. A surgeon. I wanted to help kids like me.”
Montana set down her wine and crossed to him. She knelt on the floor in front of him and put her hands on his thighs. “Didn’t the doctors and nurses always leave?”
“Don’t make it more than it was.”
He knew where she was going. That because the people he cared about left, he left as well.
She stared into his eyes, as if searching for answers. He thought about telling her he wasn’t as deep as she imagined, but he doubted she would believe him. There had been plenty of people looking into his head while he’d been in the hospital. Therapists and psychiatrists. He knew the jargon, understood the theories.
“So somehow that all got twisted into the idea that if you sacrifice your personal needs, you can heal everyone?” she asked.
“You don’t understand. I love what I do. This is all I want to do.”
“What about belonging? What about loving and being loved?”
He put down his wine and stood. He should’ve seen this coming, he told himself. Montana was that kind of girl.
“Love doesn’t matter. I won’t say it doesn’t exist, because I’ve seen it on occasion.”
She rose to her feet and faced him. “Love is the only thing that matters.”
He knew that wasn’t true. He’d gone his whole life without feeling love and he was fine. It was easier to stay distant, to be an observer. Cleaner.
“Everyone wants to belong,” she insisted.
“No. You want to belong. I have to leave and take care of other people.”
“Want to or have to?”
“Does it matter?” he asked.
He saw the sadness in her eyes and knew she understood now. He hadn’t been kidding when he’d said he was leaving. In some ways he’d never really been here at all.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” he said.
“Too late.”
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
VISITING THE FOOL’S GOLD nursing home was usually the highlight of Montana’s day. She loved bringing a vanload of happy dogs to the residents, enjoyed taking them around, watching them work their magic. By now she knew nearly every person at the facility by name, remembered who preferred a small dog to cuddle and who wanted to throw a ball for a bigger dog. She’d seen those who barely responded to their environment at all smile when nudged by a grinning service dog.
But today, as she parked and got out of Max’s van, she felt as if she were moving through water. She hurt all over, but not in a physical way. She hurt on the inside.
Simon wasn’t staying. Yes, he’d always said that and, yes, she’d understood the words, but this was different. This was her realizing that she was falling for a man who had no intention of sticking around even if he’d found something here he’d never find anywhere else. Whatever she felt for him, they would have no future. Even if he was willing to travel back and forth to Fool’s Gold, or if she was willing to travel to visit him every now and then, that wouldn’t be much of a relationship.
Deep inside, she’d always wanted a happy ending. True love, like her parents had. A long, successful marriage, kids. Sure, she wasn’t perfect, but the guy didn’t have to be, either. Unfortunately, the man she was very close to falling in love with would never be that guy. He wasn’t interested in marriage or kids or forever. He wanted to keep moving.
Telling herself he had the right to his own dreams wasn’t helping. She couldn’t seem to be rational about the situation, which meant she had to be extra careful when she was around him. Protect herself. While not seeing him at all was probably the most intelligent course, she couldn’t bring herself to simply walk away. So, for now, she would do her best to make sure she didn’t get hurt more than she already was.
She walked around to the back of the van and opened the door. The dogs were all staring at her, anticipation bright in their doggie eyes, but not one of them made a run for it. They waited until she’d snapped on their leashes, then one by one they politely jumped down. She had to help two of the smaller dogs, including Cece.