His mind was a blank slate, thinking of nothing. Solely running on instinct, Arys ripped into the guy with such viciousness that I felt it in the pit of my stomach. It was all werewolf. His own personal bloodlust appeased, he was embracing the part of me that he'd gained through our bond. From what I could see and feel, he loved it.
The realization was shocking. I knew he'd felt the wolf strong in him before. One horrible time, he'd slaughtered a neighborhood pet. What I didn't know was how much he enjoyed it. My stomach turned, and I felt nauseous. It shouldn't have been surprising, but this ruthless killer thing was still new to me.
I never wanted to be able to kill in cold blood, lacking regret and conscience. I had murdered a human man once, one that I'd had no business laying a hand on. Did I regret it? No. He'd been abusing his girlfriend. Arys had picked someone that very well may have been minding his own business, wronging nobody, and it turned him on in every way. Would that happen to me after I died, when I became a vampire in every sense of the word? Lord, I hoped not.
It chilled me to the bone. Arys feasted on the dying man in his arms, and I whimpered when I felt myself responding to his intense satisfaction. I couldn't be part of this. I had to get out before Arys felt my presence. I fought to pull back, to slam that door shut between us. I felt trapped. Unease quickly turned to panic, and I struggled to escape being part of a murder I wasn't committing. The bloodlust was awakening within me, and I did not intend to give in tonight.
When I slammed back into myself, I was flabbergasted to discover that I was on my knees in human form, shivering and gasping. The backdrop of the quiet forest night was all around me again.
Kylarai was a few feet away, staring at me with concern heavy in her grey eyes. I had to swallow a few times before I could speak. I didn't recall shifting back to human form. My power was stronger in that form. It must have happened instinctively.
“I'm ok,” I forced the words out breathlessly. “That was f**ked.”
She snorted and sat back on her haunches to fix me with a parental frown. Part of me expected the bloodlust to rage through me and set its sights on her. It didn't happen. I was able to force it deep down inside me before it burst forth to shatter my command. For now. Relief.
“Let's just head back,” I said. Gathering myself, I embraced the change.
It rolled over me with ease as my body reformed with fluid grace. In seconds, I was wolf again. Raising my nose to the sky, I took a last sniff of the wilderness around me before turning and heading for home. It was nothing short of a miracle that I hadn't come away from Arys' mind with an uncontrollable need to kill. It had happened before. Still, my heart continued to pound so that it echoed in my ears.
Maybe Arys was more than happy to abandon all semblance of sanity, diving headlong into a vicious kill. The thought scared the shit out of me. That kind of total abandonment was terrifying. Arys clearly had little desire for control. He happily turned his back on it. If anything, that only encouraged my belief in the need for knowledge and self-control. If I didn't do something now, Arys' love of the kill may destroy us both.
* * * *
“Maybe paying a visit to Harley wouldn't be such a bad thing after all,” Kylarai suggested, watching me chew my lower lip anxiously. Since we'd returned to her house, I'd been fighting off an anxiety attack. My eyes kept going to the clock on the wall. I was supposed to meet Harley at The Wicked Kiss in an hour. I still hadn't decided if I should just forget the whole thing. I gnawed at my lip until I tasted blood. The tangy metallic taste was somehow comforting.
“When I got here you told me how stupid I was for even considering it. Which is it?”
Try as I might, I just couldn't sit still. I pulled a chair out from the table, sat for a few seconds and got to my feet again. I could feel it building inside me, the deadly combination of nerves, fear and bloodlust.
“Oh, don't get me wrong. It was beyond stupid of you to go back to that club after what happened the last time you were in there. Against your will, I might add. But, you're clearly overdue for some assistance, and if Harley can provide it, you might just be stupid not to.” Ky's voice softened, and she rested her chin in her hands. “And of course the fact that your eyes are insanely blue right now tells me that you're not getting any better at combating Arys' influence. It's high time you deal with that before you go on a rampage.”
“Rampage?” I frowned. “Look, Ky. I know you're not comfortable with me all the time anymore, but I am still me. Please, don't forget that. You're my best friend. I need you to trust me. Have I ever given you a reason not to? Really?”
She looked at me for so long before answering that I thought I would burst from the apprehension. Finally, she let her breath out in one long whoosh. “No. You've never done anything to hurt me or anyone else, but you almost hurt Shaz. And, I know you've come close to losing it on Julian. Is it really necessary to walk such a fine line? Arys has changed you in so many ways.”