We went through the twenty-four hour drive-thru at the coffee shop, and then Shaz drove us down to the duck pond on the edge of town.
We parked but didn’t get out of his little Chevy Cobalt. The silence dragged as I struggled for words.
I stared at the large fountain near the center of the pond. I would have watched the sunrise from the bridge that crossed the pond, but unfortunately, I was lost amidst clouds of pain and uncertainty. The hurt Shaz tried to hide didn’t escape me. His eyes betrayed him.
“Look Shaz-,” I began. He cut me off before I could spit out another word.
“I don’t want your apology, Alexa, or whatever excuse you are going to offer me. You don’t owe me any explanations.” He looked at me with ice in his gaze, which chilled me to the bone. “I know I have no claim on you.”
“I’m sorry, but I have to explain what happened that night. I need you to know.” I didn’t say more than necessary. Shaz sat quietly and stared into me as I told him about energy bonding with the vampire. “Don’t mistake the point here, Shaz, please. There is no emotional connection between Arys and me. It was just the power.”
He blinked a few times before responding, and I wished I could snatch back those last words. “Just the power?” he asked. “You still have the mark from his bite, and you’re telling me it was just an energy exercise. No Lex, that doesn’t sound intimate at all.”
I wasn’t sure what he wanted from me, so I said as much in a bitter, sharp tone. I couldn’t please everybody, and I was getting tired of trying.
“You know I have feelings for you,” he yelled suddenly, and I sat in stunned silence. “I know you do. But, we are not together, and no matter how jealous I am, no matter how much I wish it was me in his place, I have no right to say so or act on those feelings.” He wiped his eyes to destroy his unshed tears. “But, God, I need you to know.”
A nervous sweat trickled down my spine, and I swallowed hard. Yeah, I was aware of the attraction between us. It was mutual on many levels. But, I was in no way ready for his confession. My heart pounded in my ears.
“I don’t know what to say,” I admitted.
“Don’t say anything.”
“I have to. I have to make this right. Or, is it too late for that?”
“What can you do, Alexa? Turn back time? I can’t expect you to cater to my needs. You are your own woman.”
The way he looked at me when he said that made me feel tainted, like damaged goods. My head ached in confusion, and I hugged myself tightly.
“I f**ked up, Shaz. That’s all I know. I don’t know how to make it better. I don’t even think it’s possible. And now everything is all messed up, and I regret my stupid decision for so many reasons.”
I blinked back tears, fearing they would be red. My eyes had been brown when I had crawled into bed, but the worry gripped me just the same.
“Is it because you made a mistake or because I found out about it?” He asked, knowing the answer already.
“Both.” I was honest. “The last thing I want is to hurt you.” I silently fumed at Arys. He had known damn well that I didn’t want Shaz to find out, particularly not from him.
“It’s not my place to be hurt. I feel like I’m over reacting by being as upset about it as I am.”
“No, Shaz. You’re entitled to your feelings. There is no sense in denying them.”
The small car felt huge all of a sudden. The space between us felt like a canyon opening up, dividing us. The air felt fuzzy, and I needed to open the window to allow in a fresh breeze.
The sun broke on the horizon. We were awash in an orange glow, but the magnificence was lost on us as we both looked inward to personal wounds.
That moment cut deep. I had done something that could never be undone, and I may have effectively killed anything bigger between Shaz and me. I looked at him.
Sadly, I couldn’t recall the last time that I had been in his arms. We had been so close. We had once touched one another with a familiarity and comfort reserved for lovers, though we never had been intimate.
When did it stop? I couldn’t remember, and I felt all the sadder. I did this to us.
I felt sick with fear. Surely, he could smell it on my skin. Everything in me told me not to try, but I couldn’t deny the sudden need to touch him, to feel his warmth and gain comfort from it. Selfishly, I needed to know we were ok.
He turned to look at me when my fingers brushed his, but he didn’t pull away like I expected.
“Alexa, I can’t…”
“Please, don’t say it.” I heard the tears in my voice. I couldn’t hold them back. When they fell, they were just tears, crystal clear.
With a tender touch, he wiped each one away as it fell. He said nothing. He simply allowed me to release my guilt and sorrow with each wracking sob. Drawing me close, he stroked my hair.
“Tell me we’re ok” I whispered as desperation seized me. “Can you promise we’re ok?”