No, my heart is lying here in the floor crushed into a million pieces. Is there any possible way you can glue it back together again before I leave? “That’s all, thanks.” With a laugh that was too brittle and loud even to her own ears, Suzy said, “One last ride for the three amigos in the mini-van. I’ll miss that sucker.”
Suddenly Nick dropped the suitcase he was holding and strode over to her. Even though his actions were angry, his words were gentle. “Suzy, just because you and Gray are having problems doesn’t mean shit where you and I are concerned. I…um think the world of you and unless you say no, I plan to still see you as much as we always have.” With a chuckle, he said, “Well except for the living together part.” Then with the wicked expression she loved so well, he finished, “Unless you’re into it, that is.”
Beth playfully slapping him on the head saved her the trouble. “Thanks, Nick, and for the record I won’t say no. You’re kind of like a bad habit that I’ve grown quite fond of and have no intention of breaking. Now could you please take me home?” Before I lose the cool façade and break down in front of you both. Please let me hang onto my pride, it’s all I have right now.
~~~
When she walked into her condo for the first time in weeks, it was almost like being in a stranger’s home. It had been slow going up the steps, but she’d made it without too much difficulty. Nick had left her suitcase in the bedroom and now he and Beth stood studying her as if unsure of what to do.
“How about we come back this evening with dinner?”
Already shaking her head, Suzy said, “Thanks, Nick, but I’d just like some time to myself. I really appreciate your help and I’ll see you both on Monday, ok?”
Both Nick and Beth began protesting at the same time. It was time for some tough love. “Guys, I love you both, I really do, but you need to go now. I’m just hanging on over here so please do as I ask.”
Beth was clearly torn as to what to do, but Nick put his hand on her back and pushed her forward. “Let’s give Suzy what she needs, princess.”
Suzy hugged them both and promised to call if she needed them. They all knew it was a call that she wouldn’t be making. Finally they were out the door and she was free to wallow in her grief.
As she sat on the couch with a box of Kleenex in her hands, she discovered something strange. No matter how much she wanted or needed to, she couldn’t make one single tear fall. She was quite simply numb. She’d stared at the walls for hours when she heard her phone ringing. Pulling it from the front of her purse, she saw Gray’s name on the caller id. She dropped the phone as if it were a snake. My God why now, why couldn’t he just quietly go away so she wouldn’t have to hear the voice that she loved so much while she was this raw.
After the fifth phone call in about that many minutes, Suzy had finally had enough. What the hell? Was he trying to torture her now? Maybe it was time to go ahead and rip the Band-Aid off quickly and get it over with. With a deep breath, Suzy finally took his next call.
She answered the phone with a simple, “Gray?”
Some part of her was happy to hear his shaky breath on the other end of the line. At least she knew that he was suffering as much as she was. “Baby, I don’t even know what to say. I missed your birthday and didn’t even call to let you know why. I…I just feel like shit over it.”
Suzy kept her voice steady and cool, refusing to let him know how much he’d hurt her. Smoke and mirrors, it was her only defense right now. “It’s fine, Gray, Nick told me about the accident. I’m sure you had more pressing things to worry about than me.”
“I was worried about Reva and the baby, yes, but it’s no excuse. By the time things calmed down at the hospital and I knew everything was ok, it was already so late. I’m so sorry. I’ve been sitting here all morning trying to work up the nerve to call you. I let you down and that’s something I swore I’d never do.”
“Gray, just stop please. You and I both know that we can’t go on pretending that things are going to be fine between us because they aren’t. This is just the first of many things that will come up. Maybe a better person could handle always coming last in your life, but I’m not that person.”
“Suzy, I love you!”
She could feel the tears that she’s been unable to shed earlier start to clog her throat, fighting for release. “I love you, too, but it’s not enough. I have to love you enough to let you go Gray. If I stay with you, it will keep tearing both of us apart. I can’t fault you for wanting to be part of your baby’s life. You wouldn’t be the man I love if you didn’t.”
Unable to hold back any longer, she sobbed, “Please love me enough to let me go too, Gray.”