Chapter Four: Melanie
With my head pounding, I shakily reached for the door handle of my car. My hands trembled so hard I could barely get the key into the ignition. As soon as the car sputtered to life, I brought my foot down hard on the accelerator and pealed out of the parking lot. All I wanted was to get home.
As hard as it was, I tried keeping my mind on the drive. Along the familiar streets to my house, I counted mailboxes and the painted lines on the road—anything to not think. As long as I didn’t think, I couldn’t remember…and as I long as I couldn’t remember, it hadn’t happened.
I hoped for a quick escape to my bedroom when I got home, but I wasn’t so lucky. The moment I dragged myself through the garage door, my mother pounced on me. “Sweetie, are you okay?”
“It’s just a bump, Mom,” I argued, through my pain filled haze. I stared past her—just a couple of steps, and I could make it up the back staircase. Just a couple of stairs and I could be to my room.
Mom felt along my hairline. “I don’t know, Melanie. We may need to get it examined.”
“No, I’m not going to the hospital!”
Mom stared at me in surprise at my outburst. I forced a smile to my lips. “It’s fine. Coach Murray looked me over. Don’t you think if it were something serious he would’ve called an ambulance?” I grabbed a glass out of the cabinet before fumbling in the medicine drawer for Advil. Then it hit me. “Wait, how did you know about my head?”
“Coach T called a few minutes ago to make sure you were all right.”
The glass slid out of my hands and crashed onto the floor. My face flushed with embarrassment. “Whoops,” I said, sheepishly as I eyed the broken glass.
“Here, sweetie. Take the Advil to the table and have a seat. I’ll get you some water.”
“Okay,” I said. I gingerly stepped over the glass and then made my way to a chair. Without thinking, I plopped down on the hard oak. Pain shot through my lower abdomen with such intensity I bit my lip to keep from crying out. It felt like every bone in my body had been beaten, and there was a gnawing feeling in the pit of my abdomen.
“He kept apologizing over and over for letting you drive home. He said you wouldn’t let him drive you. I told him it was all right.” Mom set the glass down on the table and smiled at me. “After all, Daddy and I know how stubborn you can be.”
I opened my mouth to protest when a knock came at the back door. My stomach clenched into knots. Please don’t let it be him…Please…I’ll start screaming if it is.
“Wonder who that could be?” Mom asked.
When she flung open the door, my heart stopped and restarted.
It was Will.
He barely acknowledged Mom. Instead, his eyes frantically searched the kitchen. The minute he saw me, he crossed the room in two long strides. He knelt down beside me, taking my hands into his. “Are you okay?”
With my cheeks burning, I ducked my head and whispered, “I’m fine.”
Will wrapped his arms around me. Even though his breath was hot on my neck, I shivered. “Dad said you got a pretty bad bump on the head, and you were out cold for a few minutes.”
“It wasn’t that long,” I muttered.
He pulled away to stare into my eyes. There was such a mixture of love and concern that my heart ached. His fingers cupped my chin, pulling my face to his. When his lips met mine, I shuddered and jerked away.
Will smiled, and then whispered, “My bad. I know how you feel about me kissing you in front of your mom.”
I just stared down at my hands. Mom walked over to us. “It’s awfully sweet of you to come over and check on Melly.”
“The moment Dad called me, I just ran out the door. He must’ve thought I was crazy racing over here for a bump that didn’t need an ambulance or anything. I guess I could’ve called, but I knew I wouldn’t feel right until I saw for myself she was okay.”
Mom brought her hand to heart and gushed, “Oh, that’s so thoughtful of you!”
Will’s grinned widened. “Ah, I’m even more of a knight in shining armor.” He looked at me. “Guess who has a major English paper due tomorrow?”
“Oh, no,” I moaned, bringing my hand to my forehead.
“Oh, yes, we do. So, I thought you might need some help.”
“I completely forgot. Ugh, how am I going to get through an essay with my head throbbing?”
“Because I’m going to help you,” Will replied.
“Help me write it, or help me cheat by using yours?” I asked.
Will laughed. “A little of both.”
I bit my lip. “Look, I really don’t think this is a good time. I mean, I’ll be a day or two late with it, and Ms. Anderson can just take ten points off.”
Will reached out to cup my face. “Just let me help you, okay?”
I didn’t have the strength to argue anymore, so I merely nodded. “But I really need to shower first,” I whispered.
“I told you I liked you all sweaty,” Will said, with a wink.
I closed my eyes and nodded my head. “I know.”
His thumb rubbed against my cheek. “All right, beautiful. Take your shower, and I’ll just fire up the laptop while I wait.”
When we both started upstairs, Mom opened her mouth to protest, but then snapped it shut. I knew she didn’t like the idea of me showering with Will up there. I sighed in exasperation. “I’ll leave the bedroom door open, okay?”
She nodded and smiled. “Okay.”
Twice I faltered on the steps, but luckily Will was there to catch me. As we started into the bedroom, he asked, “You sure you ought to be showering?”
“I’ll be fine.”
“Not that I wouldn’t mind rushing in there to save you!”
I glanced back at him, and he shot me a wicked grin. It caused something to turn over in me like a switch. “God, don’t you ever stop thinking about sex!” I snapped.
Will arched his eyebrows. “Ouch! That bump brought out the bitchiness in you tonight. I’m seriously feeling the claws!”
I didn’t say anything.
“Hmm, maybe I should leave and let you work out the essay the best way you can.”
“Do whatever you want,” I grumbled, as I took out a clean shirt and sweatpants from my drawer. But when I peeked at him through the shroud of hair covering my face, I saw him shake his head before sitting down at the desk.
Will began tinkering with the computer as I gathered up my things and went inside the bathroom. I didn’t bother looking in the mirror. After all, I would’ve had to fight the urge to scream at my appearance. And I wasn’t just being dramatic.
No, there was so much more.
Slowly, I peeled my clothes off. And then one stolen glance at the inside of my practice shorts sent me over the edge. I tried reasoning that it wasn’t just the shorts. I mean, I’d been teetering on the brink for an hour now. It might have been the sheer force of trying to keep my sanity in check—to block what had happened out of my mind—or to swear on my life that I would never admit it had happened.
But deep down I knew it was the shorts that sent me truly over the edge. The ones marked blood red with evidence of what had transpired on the futon in Coach T’s office.
I snatched the towel off the rack and buried my face in it. Muffled sobs reverberated against the terry cloth fabric. Defeated, I slunk into the shower. With the water pounding in the stall, my screams and sobs were drowned out. I slid down the side of shower tile, letting the water scald me. Even as splotches of red blotted my skin, I never turned away. It soothed something deeply troubled within me.
Biting into the towel, I choked off my cries. I fought to find anything or anyone else to blame for what happened. I cursed the stupid rack because it had messed up my entire night. Without it, I would have never been left alone in the gym with him. He would have never had the opportunity.
Everything I’d fought to suppress in the last hour came flashing back into my mind—as electric and dangerous as the heat storms we had in the summer. Suddenly, I was no longer in my bathroom.
I was in Coach T’s office.
My head throbbed, and I reclined on the futon in the corner. A long eternity seemed to have stretched by since Coach T had ushered all my teammates out the door. They’d been hanging around to make sure I was okay. He reassured them I was fine, and they should get on home.
Something cold pressed against my forehead and caused me to jump. When my eyes met Coach T’s, he laughed. “Easy Mel, it’s just an ice pack.”
“Oh, thanks.” I took it from him.
“That was quite a bump on the head,” he said, as he sat down beside me.
“Must’ve been. I don’t even remember coming to your office.”
“You didn’t. After you got hit by the shelf and pump, I found you sprawled out in the floor and brought you in here.”
It was then that I wanted to crawl under the futon and die of embarrassment. The thoughts of him picking me up were completely mortifying. My face flushed. “Oh God, that’s right. I remember you carrying me now.”
He laughed at my expression. “It’s okay, Mel. It’s not like you gave me a hernia or something!”
“No, it’s not okay,” I moaned. “It’s totally humiliating!”
“Just to you it is,” he replied, turning back to his desk.
“Ugh, I bet the team is going to give me crap tomorrow about being such a spaz.”
“You aren’t a spaz. I’ve been asking the Booster Club to repair that shelf for years. It could have happened to anyone.”
“But it happened to me,” I countered.
Spinning around in his seat, Coach T said, “We’re lucky that Coach Murray was still here to check you over. I was just thankful you weren’t going to need an ambulance.”
It was then I remembered the burly face of Coach Murray, one of the trainers for the football team who had once been an EMT, bending over me while I was still lying on the floor of the athletic closet.
I sighed with relief. The last thing I would have wanted was the big production of the ambulance being called with all the sirens and flashing lights. That would have been a nightmare!
I leaned forward. Even though there was no window on his office door, I knew it had to be late, so I started to stand up. “I guess I better get going.”
Coach T rose from his chair to place a hand on my shoulder. “I don’t know about that. I think you’re still too woozy to be driving.”
“Um, I guess so,” I murmured. Slowly, I eased back down. As he joined me on the futon, his hand lingered on me, his fingertips feathering back and forth on my bare arm.
I shifted the ice pack. When I did, I found Coach T staring at me. “W-what?” I stammered, embarrassed by the intensity of his stare. “Oh God, is my head already swelling?”
He laughed. “Nope. But it should because you’re just so damn beautiful.”
“No, I’m not.”
He shook his head. “That’s what I love about you, Mel. You’re so unaware of how beautiful and alluring you are.”
“You must be thinking of my sister, Natalie. She’s the alluring one, not me.”
He brought his hand to my cheek. His thumb traced a line from my cheekbone to my ear. “Trust me, Mel, I’ve been with a hell of a lot of women, so I know beautiful when I see it.”
Heat once again rose in my cheeks at the reference to his sex life. Coach T mistook my reaction. “You don’t have to blush when you’re given an honest to goodness compliment. You are beautiful, Melanie. I mean, you were this brace-faced, awkward little mouse of a thing when you first walked in my gym four years ago. Talent out the ass, but so unsure of yourself.” He laughed. “Well, maybe you still are unsure of yourself. But, four years later you’ve grown to be one of the most beautiful young women I’ve ever seen.”
Coach T’s flattery made me uncomfortable and caused my heart to flutter uneasily. The room closed in around me, and I felt like I wasn’t getting any air. His presence loomed over me, and I didn’t like his closeness—the way his leg brushed against mine or the feel of his hand on my shoulder.
It wasn’t like I’d never been alone with him before. But there was something different about this time. My instincts told me something was wrong. And more than anything, I wanted to be out of there.
“Um, it’s late. I better get home now,” I said.
Before I could raise myself off the futon, Coach T’s mouth crushed against mine. I felt the moisture of his tongue as it pushed against my lips, forcing them open. When his tongue darted into my mouth, I jerked away like I’d been stunned by a taser. I trembled and tried to get my bearings.
“Coach T, you shouldn’t have done that!” I protested.
His arm snaked around me, nudging me against him. As his breath burned on my cheek, it was like there was no escaping him. “Oh, but I should have. You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do that. I’ve had my eye on you for so long, and I’ve waited patiently.”
As the magnitude of his words crashed over me, I shuddered. No, no, no! This couldn’t be happening. I had to be wrong. Coach T would never do this to me. He’d never kiss me when he shouldn’t or tell me he’d had his eye on me for a long time. No, it couldn’t be true. I’d been hit on the head and was hallucinating.
“It isn’t right!” You shouldn’t be arguing with him. You should be getting the hell out of here! my mind reasoned.
“What’s wrong with kissing a beautiful girl?”
I don’t feel beautiful right now. I feel cheap and dirty. “But I-I belong to Will!” I argued, as I swatted his hand away and tried to get up, but he eased me back down.
Coach T shook his head and smiled. “You don’t belong to anyone, Mel. You’re your own person.” His hand swept up my leg to rest on my thigh. “And I love you.”
“N-No…you can’t. You’re married.”
“So? It doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
“But I love Will.”
He snorted. “Will’s just a boy. What does he know? You deserve a man to teach you about love not some fumbling kid.” I continued trying to push his hand away, as his breath hovered over my ear, “Better yet, you need me to teach you about love.”
I stared into his eyes. My voice became a small whisper. “Please, don’t say that.”
“Melanie, surely you realized how much I’ve wanted you?”
Slowly, I shook my head.
“What about at Christmas when I kissed you under the mistletoe?”
I cringed as I thought back to that night. Will had invited me to his house when his parents were having a party. We stayed upstairs most of the night, watching movies and talking, fooling around a little. When I’d gone downstairs to get something to drink, Coach T had pinned me against the kitchen door and kissed me under the mistletoe. His reeking breath told me how drunk he was, so I’d tried to brush it off as nothing. Somehow it had stayed in the back of my mind.
“But you were drunk,” I argued feebly.
“Maybe I was, but I wasn’t too drunk to want you.”
Like in a movie, the world crawled by in nightmarish slow motion. Coach T’s weight smothered me, pressing me down on the futon. A voice began screaming inside of me as I clawed against him. “NO! No, please. Please don’t do this!”
His breath scorched down my neck, hot with desire—the same desire that pushed against my thigh. “Just let me love you—let me love you like I’ve wanted to for so long, Melanie.”
I shook my head. Like a captured fish on a hook, I flailed beneath him. Then as bits and pieces of my clothing were stripped away, I slowly stopped fighting. Fear gripped me like I had never experienced before in my life.
It stunned and paralyzed me.
In just a matter of seconds, I became a quadriplegic. Even though my brain screamed at my arms and legs to fight, the only thing I could move was my eyelids. But I clamped them shut, deluding myself that if I couldn’t see what was going on, then it wasn’t really happening.
Then I detached. I floated above myself, spiriting away from the pain that ripped through me. I was no longer in the room with Coach T moving frantically inside me. Faintly, I could hear the roar of the crowd in my ears, and the rubber smell of the basketball filled my nostrils. Happiness engulfed me.
I was on the court, and I was a star. I made basket after basket. Even three pointers flew gracefully through the air to swoosh almost effortlessly through the goal. Elation filled me as points for my team racked up on the red glow of the scoreboard. As I sprinted up and down the court, I never grew tired, nor did I ever grow faint of breath. Gazing into the stands, I saw my parents as they clapped, screamed out my name, and waved their pom-poms. The crowd rose to their feet and applauded me while my teammates patted my back and hugged me.
But more than the adulation of the fans, the love of my family, and the support of my team, it was Heaven.
And I was safe.
But that moment was fleeting, and I was sucked back into reality. It was over, and Coach T was pulling away from me. I still didn’t open my eyes, even as the silent tears dripped off my cheeks.
The seconds ticked agonizingly by. I heard him straightening his clothes. Then he cleared his throat. “Jesus, Mel, I-I’m sorry.”
My only reply was to involuntarily begin shaking. “I didn’t know you were a…” he trailed off. His words pierced my heart with the double-edged sword of his actions. “I just assumed you and Will had been together.” He gingerly touched my bare back, and I winced. “I would have taken it slower if I’d known that.”
I choked off a sob. He wasn’t even sorry that’d he… raped me—just that he’d taken my virginity. Finally, I opened my eyes. Without realizing it, I’d rolled away from him. I clutched my knees to my chest, trying to cover myself. I felt my t-shirt wadded beneath me. Left only with my sports bra on, I didn’t know what had happened to my shorts and underwear.
“Mel, I am sorry.”
I didn’t know what he wanted me to say. So, I merely nodded. After all, speaking seemed foreign to me. I feared if I opened my mouth, the sobs that had built up inside me and lodged in my throat would come spewing out. Something deep within me thought they might never stop.
“I hope you can forgive me.”
I refused to meet his gaze.
“I crossed the line. It won’t ever happen again, I swear. I’ve got problems at home, Mel. I’m in therapy, and I’ll get this sorted out. I swear,” he pleaded.
I didn’t want his apologies or his excuses. I just wanted out of there. I wanted to crawl under my covers and die of the pain and humiliation.
When I still didn’t respond, he exhaled noisily. “You know, telling someone about this won’t do any good.”
My gaze snapped to his. “What?” I croaked.
“It’s just a no-win situation for either of us. If you go to the authorities, I’m screwed. But so are you.”
Horrified, I continued to stare at him. “How?”
“Because of Will.”
And with that, Coach T silenced any thoughts I might have had of reporting him. So, I finally gave him the words he was so desperate for. “I won’t tell anyone. Ever.”
My traitorous words echoed off my ears as I came back to myself on the shower floor. A knock at the door caused me to jump. It was my mom. “Melanie, are you all right? You’ve been in there an awfully long time.”
Speak, Melanie, a voice commanded within me. It should’ve been easy. I’d been doing it since I was barely a year old. But it seemed impossible. We’d even taught our two black Labs, Scout and Jem, to do it, so why couldn’t I?
“Melanie?”
I dug my nails into my forearm until tears stung my eyes. The pain caused my voice to break through the levels of my consciousness. “I’m fine, Mom. Just a few more minutes, okay? The water feels really good on my head.” The lie tumbled easily from my lips—far more easily than the truth ever would.
“Okay, but don’t stay too much longer.” She paused, and then I heard her laughter. “Will says you’re going to turn into a shriveled prune.”
At the mention of Will, bitter tears streaked down my face. Oh God, was I really not going to tell what had happened? Deep down, I knew what I should do. I’d seen enough television programs to know I should’ve come straight in and told my mom. I should have been carted off to the hospital where some stranger would poke and prod me with a rape kit, making me die a thousand deaths under the scratchy white sheet pulled up to my chin.
Then if I survived that degradation, I’d have to relive the experience itself over and over again as I told my story to investigators, maybe even as I testified at trial. In my mind, I could see a courtroom full of spectators, eagerly leaning forward in their seats to digest the juicy details.
No, no, no!
I couldn’t bear that.
What about my parents? The mere thought made me tremble. I imagined the expressions that would appear on their faces—the horror, the agony, the guilt, maybe even the shame. What would news like this to do them? They’d always sworn to protect me no matter what. They’d feel like failures. Plus, I’d always been the least trouble out of my siblings. The one my parents could always depend on to stay out of trouble, therefore saving them face. But if I admitted this, then I would become the pitied child that all my parents’ friends gossiped about. “Did you hear about Joe and Suzanne’s daughter being raped? Yeah, it’s torn them all apart.”
I couldn’t bear that.
Then once again my thoughts went to Will—the love of my life. The only guy who’d ever given me the time of day. The only guy I’d ever dated and kissed and fooled around with. The only guy I could ever imagine being with until death do us part. The guy who sat in my room right now doing an essay for me just so I wouldn’t lose a measly ten points.
Not only would Will’s father be carted off to jail, but Coach T would lose his job. He’d never coach or teach ever again. Even though anger burned within me for Coach T, the fact remained I was in love with his son. If I told the world my boyfriend’s father raped me, our relationship would crumble. Will’s seemingly perfect life would be shattered, and in some horrible and warped way, I would be the cause of it.
I couldn’t bear that.
I silently lifted my eyes to the Heavens. I shook my head. I’d been a believer all my life. I’d gone to church religiously—I’d even been played Mary twice in our Christmas pageants.
But I wasn’t Mary anymore. I was a defiled and perverse version of my former self, the “Old Melanie”. Tentatively, I stood up in the shower. Then in some weird out-of-body experience I started bathing like nothing had happened.
While lathering my head, I felt the large knot forming under my skin. There was also a ragged cut along my hairline, and when I rinsed my hair, there was blood in the water, even though I’d been as gentle as I could. And then I realized it wasn’t from my head.
More blood loss…more loss of innocence…more evidence of what I’d lost on the futon. I shivered despite the scalding water.
Once again, I raised tear stained eyes to the ceiling. “How am I going to do this?” I murmured. Silence reverberated back at me. I don’t know what I expected. Did I expect God to speak to me and tell me how to lie to the world?
When I got out of the shower, I didn’t bother drying my hair. I threw on my Newton Lady Grizzlies Basketball t-shirt and my sweatpants. I opened the door to find Will hard at work. The sight of him bent over the laptop with papers scattered everywhere made my chest burn.
“Hey,” I said softly.
He swiveled around in my rolling chair. “Hey, beautiful!”
For a brief instant, I didn’t see him. All I saw was Coach T spinning around in his chair like he had earlier tonight. Stop it, Melanie!
I bit my lip and played with the drawstring on my pants. “Um, I’m sorry about being a bitch earlier.”
Will shook his head. “Nah, it’s okay. You’ve had a shitty night. And I was being a douchebag about sex.”
A chill went through me, and I shuddered. Will came over to stand beside me. “You shouldn’t be standing here with your hair wet in the middle of winter. Isn’t it enough you got bonked in the head tonight? You don’t need to get sick on top of that.”
I shook my head. “No, I don’t.” I could feel the intensity of his stare on me. Finally, I brought my eyes to his.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
He smiled and pulled me into his arms. My eyes closed as I was overwhelmed by the security of his embrace. No one made me feel like Will. He was like home...like my parents. I didn’t want anything to ever come between us. It was a desperate feeling—one that caused a sob to build in my throat.
Will must have felt the emotions coursing through me because he whispered into my ear, “Babe, I’m here. You’re all right, and I’m all right.”
My eyelids fluttered open, and I smiled at him. “We’re all right.”
Will grinned. “That’s right.” He kissed the top of my head and glanced over at the desk. “But we’re not going to be all right if we don’t get your essay finished.”
Reluctantly, I let my arms fall from him. He sat down and then spun back around in the chair. “Okay, so we’re supposed to be looking for occult symbolism in Macbeth. Now I used…”
His voice trailed off as I eased down on the bed. My head still throbbed, and I didn’t want to think about Macbeth. I just wanted to go to sleep….sleep would be an escape.
I grabbed the throw off the bottom of my bed and wrapped it around me. It wasn’t long before its warmth and the soothing sound of Will’s voice lulled me to sleep.
The next thing I knew I heard his soft laughter in my ear. “Hey, Sleeping Beauty, I finished your essay.”
I drowsily opened my eyes to see Will’s grinning face above me. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it.”
“Yeah, just be glad you dozed off before I realized it. Your mom freaked out thinking you might have a concussion. She was about ready to check your pupils, but I told her you weren’t totally out.”
“How come?”
“Cause you were kinda crazy while you slept.”
My face burned. “I-I was.”
Will nodded. “Yeah, from the noises you were making, it must’ve been some dream.” He smiled down at me. “I sure hope I was in it.”
I gazed up into his eyes so full of love, and I shook my head. “More like a nightmare I guess.”
He kissed me gently. “I’m here for you. No one’s gonna hurt you. I’ll kick some boogey man’s ass.”
“I’m sure you would,” I whispered.
“All right, it’s eleven, and I’m gonna hit the road.” He started for the door, but I pulled on his arm.
“Stay with me.”
“What?”
“Stay with me until I go back to sleep.” When he stared at me in surprise, I forced a smile to my lips. “You know, to kick the boogeyman’s ass and all.”
Will laughed. “Okay.” He kicked off his shoes and lay down beside me. He pulled me into his arms, and I rested my head on his chest.
When I heard the gentle rhythm of his heart, I murmured, “My favorite position.”
At that moment I realized I would do anything in the world to save what Will and I had. I’d promised Coach T I wouldn’t tell anyone, and I decided it would be a vow I’d keep—regardless of what I had to say or do.