Chapter 13
Kelsey snuggled into the crook of Coop’s arm, pulling the covers over them. The room was dark, making the lights of the city below shine even brighter.
“I thought it might be better if we waited,” she said. “You know, before we tell anyone—my dad, the family.”
Coop thought of Mo Chandler and sighed heavily. How was he going to explain this to his former father-in-law? “Yeah, that might be better.”
“Just for a little while, until we’re sure everything’s going to be all right.”
“Okay.”
“It’s going to be hard, though, to keep quiet.” She laughed,..“I feel like I’m going to burst—like I want to tell everyone.”
“Yeah.”
Kelsey turned her head and looked up at him. “You all right?”
“Sure, why?”
“I don’t know. You seem a little quiet.”
“Do I?” He made a show of reaching down, of rubbing a hand over his stomach and groaning, hoping to divert her attention from anything serious. “Must be all that bread. I finished a loaf all by myself. I’m stuffed.”
“No, that’s not it,” she said, turning in his arms. It was too dark to see his face clearly, but his shadowy silhouette was outlined against the pillow. “Is something bothering you?”
He had to smile at the irony—a sad, solemn smile that almost hurt. There was so much bothering him, he wouldn’t even know where to start, things like truth and lies, and how he was going to hold everything together long enough to keep both her and their baby out of danger.
“Not really,” he lied, reaching out in the blackness and finding a long strand of her hair. “I’m just a little tired, that’s all.”
“Tired?” She leaned close, searching his face in the shadows. “Are you sure that’s all?”
His hand stroked the length of her hair. Even in the darkness he could see that tiny line across her brow deepen. “Of course it is,” he said, tapping his finger on her forehead. “Don’t look so worried.”
“But I am worried. I want you to be happy about the baby.”
“Oh, sweetheart,” he said, pulling her close. “I am happy—very happy. Don’t doubt that—don’t ever doubt that.”
“Then what is it? What’s got you so quiet tonight? Talk to me.”
Selfishly he wished they could talk, that he could unburden himself once and for all, get everything out in the open. If only he could explain everything rationally, make her understand and not get upset and put herself and their baby at risk. It wasn’t that he’d been quiet tonight. He’d just been too stunned to say much, too shocked by the day and its events, too afraid that if he opened his mouth, he’d say too much and lose everything.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” he insisted. “Not really.”
“No?” she asked skeptically.
“No,” he said, but the word held no conviction even to his own ears. He gave his head a shake. “Look, I’m just...just a little concerned, that’s all.”
“Concerned?” She pulled back. “About what?”
“About what? Kelsey, you’re going to have a baby.”
“And that concerns you?” She sat up. Her voice was loud in the darkness, loud and full of fear. “Now I am worried. Are you having second thoughts about the baby?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” he said, sitting up, too. He rested a hand on her arm. “Kelsey, I almost lost you a few months ago—you almost died. And now this.” He reached out and settled a hand on her abdomen. “A baby,” he murmured, kneading her stomach lovingly. “There could be complications—for you, and for the baby, for... for us.” He stopped, emotion tightening his throat and making it difficult to speak. “I just love you so much—if you only knew. I love you, and the baby.” His voice cracked, and he cleared his throat. “I—I don’t want to lose you, not ever, not again.”
“Oh, Coop,” she said, moving close and wrapping her arms around his neck. “Coop. Nothing’s going to happen this time—you’ll see. I’m going to be fine, and the baby’s going to be fine—we all are. I promise.” She brushed a kiss long his lips. “I promise.”
Coop surrendered to her embrace and to her soft, wet kisses. He allowed her long, silky body to move over his, let her slow movements and loving gestures stroke and soothe his tense muscles and weary nerves. He wanted to lose himself in her lovemaking, wanted only to feel and respond, and not to think.
She was so sure, so hopeful. If only he could feel hopeful, too. If only he could block out the truth and believe it could be that simple—that they would be careful, that the doctors would take special precautions, that Kelsey would deliver a strong, healthy baby. It was what he wanted, what he dreamed of having—his wife, his child, his family.
Only the road ahead was a mine field, seeded with one disaster after another, any one of which could blow up in his face and destroy the dream forever.
She had to know the truth. It was no longer merely a matter of her recovery, no longer a question of whether she would retrieve what the amnesia took from her. There was a baby on the way—a new life they would share in for the rest of their lives. He had to find a way to tell her without risking her and the baby.
. The lies nagged at him, plaguing his conscience, tormenting his soul. However, the soft, delicate stroking of her hands, the smooth, even motions of her body against him were like an oasis in the desert. Soon needs rose up in him, urgent and compelling. He wanted her, wanted to escape into the passion and let it take away the hurt, and pain and the fear—for just a while. Just long enough for him to catch his breath. Just long enough for him to dream the dream one more time.
“I love you,” he whispered, bringing their bodies together and pressing deep. He reveled in the warmth of her, in the feel and the scent and the taste of her. “I love us together—like this.”
“Coop,” she murmured, her voice thick and raspy with need and desire. “Be happy, Coop. Don’t be afraid. I love you, that’s all that matters. Don’t be afraid.”
Afraid. He could hardly imagine a life without fear, a life without guilt or remorse or regret. They had become a way of life for him in the past two and a half months. Except now. Now she was in his arms, now she belonged to him. She was his safe haven, his refuge where he could find peace. She was everything to him—his love, his life, the center of his universe.
But the respite and peace could only last so long. Soon desire burned out of control. His body exploded, and the world shattered.
It was a long time before he floated back, before his breathing became normal and the world took shape again. Unfortunately, along with the world, the rest of it—the lies, the guilt and the fear—came back, too.
“Everything’s going to be all right,” she whispered sleepily, snuggling close. “You’ll see. I know it. We’re all going to be all right—you, me, the baby. It’s going to be great. I know it. Trust me.”
Coop tightened his arms around her, holding her late into the night. He did trust her—he always had. The problem was, once he told her everything, she was never going to trust him again.
“Here, let me help you with that.”
Kelsey glanced up from the armload of groceries she was struggling with, surprised to see her neighbor from across the street. She let Jonathan’s mother relieve her of one of the heavy bags.
“Thanks,” she said, giving the young woman a grateful smile. “I was trying to make it in one trip.”
“I can understand that,” the woman said, following her across the yard and up the walk. “I sometimes feel I put in a couple hundred miles a day—in and out of the house, the kids, the dog, shopping, preschool, doctor, dentist. If there was any real justice in life, I’d weigh ninety pounds after all that exercise.”
At the door Kelsey stopped and slipped the key into the lock. “If there was any real justice in life, men would know the joys of PMS and chocolate would make you thin.”
“Isn’t that the truth.” She laughed, following Kelsey into the house. She set the bag on the kitchen counter, then turned. “I’ve been meaning to come over and introduce myself.” She held out a hand. “I’m Holly Harding from across the street.”
“Hi, Holly,” Kelsey said, taking her hand and shaking it. “I’m Kelsey.”
“I think you already know Jonathan.”
“Oh, yes.” Kelsey laughed. “What a sweetheart he is.
Holly smiled proudly. “He’s a character, all right.”
“You also have a little girl?”
Holly nodded. “Sarah. She’s two.”
“That’s a busy age.”
“Oh, don’t I know it—they don’t call them the terrible twos for nothing.”
Kelsey hesitated. She’d been reluctant to socialize much since the accident. With the gaps in her memory, she’d been afraid she would say or do something that would make it awkward and embarrassing for everyone. Only Holly Harding hadn’t known her before, not really. Coop had told her that himself.
“Would you like to stay for a little while, have some tea? I was just going to make myself a cup.”
Holly peered through the window toward her house. “Well, the place still looks reasonably peaceful. At least Christian—my husband—hasn’t come stomping out of the front door screaming yet or anything—which is what usually happens when I leave him alone with the kids.” She turned to Kelsey. “I’d love to.”
Kelsey filled the kettle and placed it on the burner. How long had it been since she’d stood chatting in her kitchen with a neighbor? How long had it been since she’d shared a little girl talk with a friend? Surely she’d done things like this before the accident, even if she couldn’t remember.
She turned and opened the pantry doors, taking the groceries Holly handed her out of the bags and storing them on the shelves. She liked the comfortable feeling, liked the easy conversation and the relaxed atmosphere. It made her feel like a real person again, like a wife and a mother. Normal.
“Oh, my, do I ever remember these guys,” Holly said dryly, pulling an oversize carton of soda crackers out of a bag.
“The crackers?” Kelsey took the carton from her and slipped it on the shelf, thinking of the nausea and morning sickness that usually started sometime around noon and lasted well into the night.
“Yeah, I think I’ve eaten about a million of them,” Holly said, folding the paper sacks and stacking them neatly on the counter. “I practically survived on them when I was pregnant with Jonathan.”
The kettle whistled, and Kelsey switched off the burner. “Morning sickness?”
“More like all-day sickness. I was green from the time I got up in the morning to the time I went to bed at night.”
“Ugh.” Kelsey groaned, suddenly feeling grateful for the few good hours she had during the day. “That couldn’t have been too much fun.”
“Believe me, it wasn’t.”
“Same way with your daughter?”
“Actually, no. It wasn’t nearly as bad. My doctor said my body probably was used to having been pregnant before and didn’t rebel so much the second time around.”
“So, how long did it last—the second time, I mean?” Kelsey asked, reaching into the cupboard and pulling down two porcelain teacups.
“I guess I actually started feeling human around my fourth month,” Holly said, leaning against the counter. “I know it doesn’t seem very long now, but at the time, I didn’t think I was ever going to feel good again.”
Kelsey dropped teabags into the cups and filled them with the bubbling water. “I hope herbal is all right. That’s all I keep in the house.”
“Herbal’s perfect,” Holly said, reaching for one of the cups. She followed Kelsey into the breakfast nook and sat down. “Tea was another taste I developed when I was pregnant. It used to help settle the crackers in my stomach.”
“Tea and crackers,” Kelsey mumbled, thinking that had pretty much been her diet.
“Tea and crackers,” Holly repeated with a small laugh, taking a sip of her tea. “All the advances in medicine, and we’re still eating tea and crackers like our mothers did.”
Kelsey laughed, too. She liked Holly, liked her easy, friendly nature and her genuine humor. Why hadn’t they become friends before? Had it only been because she’d been working before the accident, because she hadn’t been home as much and had no free time for making friends?
She sipped her tea, listening as Holly talked about Sarah and Jonathan and the other neighbors on the block.
“You know, every time Jonathan sees a helicopter in the sky, he’s convinced it’s Coop,” Holly was saying. “No matter where we are—the grocery store, the library, even visiting my mother in Oaji. We have to stop and everyone has to wave.” Holly mimicked her son, waving frantically. “Hi, Coop—hi!”
Kelsey laughed, creating a picture in her head. “Well, I suppose when you’re four years old, helicopters would be pretty interesting.”
“Don’t I know it,” Holly agreed. “Poor Christian, he keeps trying to tell Jonathan about his job and what he does at work, but I’m afraid it’s a little tough to get excited about authorized tax shelters and KEOUGH accounts.”
“Well, maybe when he’s a little older,” Kelsey said, smiling. Suddenly, from somewhere out in left field, her stomach rolled uneasily, causing her mouth to go dry and head to spin, “Uh, maybe when...” She swallowed hard. “When he’s a little...”
“Kelsey?” Holly rose from her chair and rushed around the table to kneel in front of her. “Is everything all right? You don’t look too good.”
“No, it’s nothing,” Kelsey insisted, reaching for her tea, but another debilitating wave of nausea came. “I’m just a little...it’s just...”
“Oh, no,” Holly said. She rose quickly to her feet, ran to the pantry and reached for the carton of soda crackers. She ripped open the box and pulled out a long, waxedpaper container of crackers. “I recognize that look.” She dashed into the breakfast nook and shoved several small soda squares into Kelsey’s hand. “Quick, get a few of these down. It’ll help.”
Kelsey munched on the crackers one after the other.
“Breath deep,” Holly instructed. “Through your nostrils. Nice and slow.”
“I feel so stupid,” Kelsey moaned. “I’m...I’m really sorry.”
“No need to apologize to me,” Holly assured her. “I know how these things can strike right out of the blue.” She picked up Kelsey’s teacup and headed into the kitchen. “I’ll put on some more water. I think another cup of tea might do it. Just keep breathing.”
After half a stack of crackers and several more cups of tea, Kelsey began to feel better. “I am really sorry.”
“Will you quit apologizing?” Holly insisted, sitting in the chair across from Kelsey again. She sipped her tea. “Now, maybe it was all my talk of morning sickness earlier, but I get the definite feeling there might be something more to that green face than just an upset tummy.”
Kelsey hesitated. It didn’t seem right that she should tell her neighbor before her own family heard the news. Still, it seemed foolish to try to make another explanation after what had happened.
“I’m only a little over four weeks along,” she said, taking a deep breath. “We hadn’t planned on saying anything to anyone—you know, for awhile yet.”
Holly set down her cup. She leaned forward, a grin breaking wide across her face. “You’re not going to believe this.”
Kelsey stopped as she reached for another cracker. “What?”
“We weren’t going to say anything for a while yet, either.”
Kelsey’s eye’s widened. “You mean you’re...”
Holly sat back in the chair and giggled like her two-year-old daughter. “Five weeks.”
“Oh, my God,” Kelsey shrieked, dropping the cracker and covering her mouth with her hands. “You’re right, I don’t believe it.”
They started comparing ailments and complaints, weight gain and sore breasts, leg cramps, heartburn, doctors and diapers—the kind of baby talk all expectant mothers engage in.
“This is almost too much of a coincidence,” Holly said. “Do you suppose it was something in the drinking water last month? Or the phases of the moon? I mean, I don’t know about you and Coop, but this sort of took Christian and me by surprise. We’re thrilled, but surprised.”
“Well, Coop was pretty surprised,” Kelsey said, remembering the shocked look on his face. “Me, on the other hand—I know this sounds crazy, but I swear, I knew the moment it happened.”
“I don’t think that sounds crazy at all,” Holly contended. “After all, a woman knows her body better than anybody.”
“Yeah,” Kelsey said. “I suppose you’re right—but get a doctor to believe that.”
“So tell me, how did Coop take the news? I mean, if he wasn’t expecting it, he must have really been bowled over.”
Kelsey thought back to that afternoon three days earlier. “He really was. We’d been so distracted by the...”
Holly looked up when Kelsey stopped.
“Distracted?”
Kelsey drew in a deep breath. The accident wasn’t something she liked talking about, but it wasn’t something she needed to hide, either. “I had an...an accident several months ago—during the storm. It was pretty serious.”
“Oh, Kelsey, my God,” Holly said, the smile fading from her face. “I remember seeing the cast, but I had no idea.”
“I’m fine now,” Kelsey assured her. “Really, but I admit, it was touch and go there for a while. I scared my whole family pretty good—especially Coop.”
“I can understand that.”
“Anyway, he’s been so wonderful since I was released from the hospital—taking care of me, doing everything. I don’t think he was really thinking in terms of a baby.”
“I’ll bet he’s walking on air now.”
Kelsey smiled. “I think he’s pretty excited.”
“Well, take full advantage,” Holly advised goodnaturedly. “The first time around Christian didn’t want me to do anything. He cooked, he cleaned, he shopped—it was wonderful. Now, if he lets me sleep in an extra hour on Saturday mornings, he figures he’s done his. part.”
Kelsey paused, thinking. “Uh...actually this isn’t the first time around for us.”
Holly looked up. “Oh?”
“We had a baby before—a little boy,” Kelsey said, her voice turning wistful. Despite how painful it was to remember, the memory was hers, and she never wanted to lose it again. “He came early and lived only a few hours.”
“Oh, Kelsey, how awful for you,” Holly said immediately. “I’m so sony.”
“It was pretty rough for a while,” Kelsey confessed. Suddenly she had that breathless, funny feeling again—but this time it had nothing to do with morning sickness or the baby in her womb. A picture appeared in her mind. She saw doctors standing around her hospital bed, heard them talking to her, talking to Coop, and she remembered a terrible feeling of depression.
“Then it must make this baby all the more special,” Holly was saying. “For you and for Coop.”
“Yes,” Kelsey whispered, the picture in her mind fading into blackness again. “Yes, it does.”
“Was this long ago? The first pregnancy.”
Kelsey drew in a deep breath, letting the feeling go and bringing her thoughts to the present. “A couple of years ago. Just before the divor—”
Holly glanced up when Kelsey abruptly stopped. “Before what?” she asked innocently.
It came back in a rush, hitting her in the face. “The divorce. Oh, my God.”
“I’ve decided,” Coop said, leaning back in the highbacked leather chair. “I’m going to tell her everything.”
Gloria Crowell pulled a small spiral notepad from the center drawer of her desk. “Okay, let’s talk about it.”
“No.” Coop shook his head adamantly, determined not to let the psychiatrist or anyone else sway him from the decision he’d made. “There’s nothing to talk about. I’m going to tell Kelsey the truth. I’ve made up my mind.”
“Yes, I can see that.” The doctor tossed her pencil onto the desk. “I take it you’ve thought about this?”
“I’ve thought of nothing but this for the past four days,” Coop pointed out.
“Okay,” Dr. Crowell conceded. “So you think this is the right time, with the baby and everything?”
“I think it’s the time because of the baby and everything.”
Gloria Crowell turned to Mannie Cohen, who sat in the chair next to Coop perusing the thick file she’d given him. “How about it, Doctor? Physically, is she going to be able to weather this?”
Mannie Cohen closed the file and lowered it to his lap. “Physically she’s fine—rested, healthy.”
“And the risk to the baby if she’s told the truth?”
Mannie rested his elbows on the arms of the chair, tenting his hands together, glancing toward Coop. “If you’re looking for me to tell you that once she knows everything, no matter what her reaction is it won’t hurt the baby—I can’t do that, but...” He paused for a moment, flexing his fingers. “For what it’s worth, I agree. I think it’s time she knows.”
“Despite the risk?” Dr. Crowell asked.
Mannie picked up the file from his lap, sliding it across the desk toward her. “Your own file charts the improvement. Emotionally she’s much stronger, much less afraid.”
“Well, I can’t argue that,” Gloria said, leaning back in her chair. “She isn’t as frightened by the gaps in her memory.”
“No, she isn’t,” Coop concurred, shifting restlessly in the chair. “She wants the rest of her life back—even if it is painful.”
Gloria slowly sat up, turning to him. “And what about you, Coop? What do you want?”
“I want my life back, too,” he said after a moment. “I want my wife, my child. I want my marriage, I want us to raise our child together.”
“You don’t think telling her about the divorce sounds a little counterproductive to that?” Gloria asked.
“Does it?” Coop snapped, rising to his feet. “What would you have me do? Let things go, continue to live like there’s nothing wrong? Let the baby be born and then lie to them both? When would you have me tell her, Doctor? The day the baby graduates from college?”
“Look, Coop,” Gloria said calmly. She made a nonchalant motion with her hand. “Sit down, please. I’m not the enemy—I’m really not. I’m just playing devil’s advocate here. We need to look at this from all sides, try to make an objective decision.”
“I’m telling you I’ve already made my decision,” Coop insisted stubbornly, ignoring her request. “There’s nothing to discuss. I’m going to tell her.”
“Even if that means you’ll lose her?” Mannie Cohen asked carefully.
Coop turned and looked at him, then slowly lowered himself to the chair. “I’m not going to let that happen.”
“You weren’t so sure of that a few weeks ago in my office,” Mannie reminded him.
“A few weeks ago, there wasn’t a baby. A few weeks ago we weren’t living as man and wife.”
“You think that’s going to make a difference this time?” Mannie turned in the chair to look at him. “Don’t get me wrong—I tend to agree with you. This isn’t just about Kelsey and her recovery any longer. It’s gone way beyond that. There’s a new life to consider. But you said yourself you thought once she remembered, once she knew the truth, she would leave again. Are you prepared for that?”
“No.” Coop released a long, slow breath. He wasn’t angry any longer, just tired. “But I’m not going to let it happen that way this time.” He pushed himself to his feet and walked to the large credenza. He leaned against it, staring at the two doctors. “I’ve had a lot of time to think about this, a lot of time to go over what happened two years ago. I’m beginning to think I gave up too easily, that I didn’t fight hard enough to change Kelsey’s mind. She was in such pain after the baby, angry and confused—in a state of shock. She didn’t know what she wanted.”
“And you think she does now?” Gloria asked.
Coop looked at her. “I know what we now have between us. I know it’s real. And I know I’m going to fight like hell before giving it up again.”