"I guess that's right," Jacob said, he had calmed down quite a lot by this point.
and I still wanted that more than almost anything else in the world. Almost.
The only thing in this moment that I wanted more than to commit a highly justifiable murder, was this girl. And, though I couldn't have her, just the dream of having her made it impossible for me to go on a killing spree tonight - no matter how defensible such a thing might be.
Bella deserved better than a killer.
Bella smiled at this, it was rather intoxicating to know that she had this kind of power over him. Though she didn't think of him as a killer, it was still nice to know that he was trying to be better for her.
I'd spent seven decades trying to be something other than that - anything other than a killer. Those years of effort could never make me worthy of the girl sitting beside me.
Bella narrowed her eyes at this point, not agreeing with him at all.
And yet, I felt that if I returned to that life - the life of a killer - for even one night, I would surely put her out of my reach forever. Even if I didn't drink their blood - even if I didn't have that evidence blazing red in my eyes - wouldn't she sense the difference?
"That depends," Bella said.
"On?" Jacob encouraged her to continue her thought.
"On whether he acts differently or not," Bella said. "If he starts acting even more moody than he already is, it would be hard to miss."
"Would you forgive him... if he did kill this guy?" Jacob asked.
"I don't think he's the monster that he seems to think he is," Bella said in a way to answer.
"That's not an answer," Jacob said.
"I don't want him to kill him," Bella said, "but it wouldn't change the way I think of him."
I was trying to be good enough for her. It was an impossible goal. I would keep trying.
"What's wrong?" she whispered.
Her breath filled my nose, and I was reminded why I could not deserve her. After all of this, even with as much as I loved her...she still made my mouth water.
Jacob shivered at that, a little afraid how he would react to this in his maddened state, but he wasn't too worried.
"How does my scent make it so he doesn't deserve me?" Bella said a little angrily.
I would give her as much honesty as I could. I owed her that.
"Sometimes I have a problem with my temper, Bella." I stared out into the black night, wishing both that she would hear the horror inherent in my words and also that she would not. Mostly that she would not. Run, Bella, run. Stay, Bella, stay.
"It really is a wonder why you would be confused by this guy at all," Jacob chuckled. "He's not conflicted at all."
"But it wouldn't be helpful for me to turn around and hunt down those..." Just thinking about it almost pulled me from the car. I took a deep breath, letting her scent scorch down my throat. "At least, that's what I'm trying to convince myself."
"Oh."
She said nothing else. How much had she heard in my words? I glanced at her furtively, but her face was unreadable. Blank with shock, perhaps. Well, she wasn't screaming. Not yet.
"Why would you be screaming?" Jacob asked.
"Because he admitted that he wanted to hunt those people down," Bella said after a moment's thought. "I think. You know because most humans wouldn't say something like that."
"Yeah, right," Jacob said angrily. "I wouldn't mind hunting those bastards down."
"Then maybe it was something else," Bella shrugged.
It was quiet for a moment. I warred with myself, trying to be what I should be.
What I couldn't be.
"Jessica and Angela will be worried," she said quietly. Her voice was very calm, and I was not sure how that could be. Was she in shock? Maybe tonight's events hadn't sunk in for her yet. "I was supposed to meet them."
Did she want to be away from me? Or was she just worried about her friends' worry?
"The latter," Bella answered, she was sure that she wanted him around right about now... and that it might be his presence that was keeping her so calm at the moment.
I didn't answer her, but I started the car and took her back. Every inch closer I got to the town, the harder it was to hold on to my purpose. I was just so close to him...
If it was impossible - if I could never have nor deserve this girl - then where was the sense in letting the man go unpunished? Surely I could allow myself that much...
"Don't," Bella said, she didn't want him to do that and then give up on her...
No. I wasn't giving up. Not yet. I wanted her too much to surrender.
We were at the restaurant where she was supposed to meet her friends before I'd even begun to make sense of my thoughts. Jessica and Angela were finished eating, and both now truly worried about Bella. They were on their way to search for her, heading off along the dark street.
"That would not be good," Jacob tensed, he thoughts going to the sick bastard.
"No... it wouldn't," Bella shivered.