Chapter Twenty
Sydney
“Are you crying?” Bridgette asks without com-
passion as she comes through the front door.
Warren follows closely behind her, but he pauses
the second his eyes meet mine.
I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting mo-
tionless on the couch, but it still isn’t long
enough for reality to have been absorbed just yet.
I’m still hoping this is a dream. Or a nightmare.
This isn’t how things were supposed to turn out.
“Sydney?” Warren says hesitantly. He knows
something is wrong, because I’m sure my
swollen, bloodshot eyes clearly give me away.
I attempt to form an answer, but I fail to come
up with one. As much a part of this as I am, I still
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feel that Ridge and Maggie’s situation isn’t mine
to be sharing.
Luckily, Warren doesn’t have to ask me what’s
wrong, because I’m spared by Ridge’s presence.
He’s barging through the front door, taking both
Bridgette’s and Warren’s attention off of me.
He pushes between the two of them and heads
straight for his room. He swings open the door,
then comes out through the bathroom seconds
later. He looks at Warren and signs something.
Warren shrugs and signs back, but I can’t follow
their conversation at all.
When Ridge responds again, Warren looks dir-
ectly at me. “What does he mean?” Warren asks
me.
I shrug. “I failed to learn sign language
between now and the last time we spoke, Warren.
How the hell should I know?”
I don’t know where my unwarranted sarcasm
is coming from, but I feel Warren should have
anticipated that one.
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He shakes his head. “Where’s Maggie,
Sydney?” Warren points at the counter toward
Ridge’s computer. “He says she had his com-
puter, so she had to come by here after she left
the hospital.”
I look at Ridge to answer but can’t deny the
fact that jealousy is coursing through me at
watching his reaction when it comes to Maggie.
“I don’t know where she went. All she did was
walk in, set your computer down, and grab her
things. She’s been gone for half an hour.”
Warren is signing everything I’m saying to
Ridge. When he finishes, Ridge runs a frustrated
hand through his hair, then takes a step toward
me. His eyes are angry and hurt, and he begins
signing with forceful movements of his hands.
His obvious anger makes me wince, but his dis-
appointment in me fills me with my own share of
anger.
“He wants to know how you could just let her
leave,” Warren says.
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I immediately stand up and look Ridge directly
in the eye. “What did you expect me to do,
Ridge? Lock her in the damn closet? You can’t
be mad at me for this! I’m not the one who failed
to delete messages I wouldn’t want someone else
to read!”
I don’t wait for Warren to finish signing for
Ridge. I walk to my bedroom and slam the door
behind me, then drop down onto my bed. Mo-
ments later, I hear the door to Ridge’s bedroom
slam shut, too. The sounds don’t stop there,
though. I hear things crashing against his bed-
room walls, one by one, as he takes his frustra-
tion out on any inanimate object in his path.
I don’t hear the knock through the sounds
coming from Ridge’s bedroom. My door opens,
and Warren slips inside. He shuts my bedroom
door, then leans his back against it. “What
happened?” he asks.
I turn my head to face the other direction. I
don’t want to answer him, and I don’t want to
look at him, because I know anything I say to
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him will only cause him to be disappointed in
Ridge and me. I don’t want him to be disappoin-
ted in Ridge.
“Are you okay?” His voice is closer now. He
sits down on the bed beside me and places a com-
forting hand on my back. The reassuring contact
from him causes me to break down again as I
bury my face in my arms. I feel as though I’m
drowning, but I have no fight left to even bother
coming up for air.
“You said something about messages to Ridge.
Did Maggie read something that upset her?”
I turn my head back over and look up at him.
“Go ask Ridge, Warren. It’s not my place to tell
you Maggie’s business.”
Warren purses his lips in a tight line, nodding
slowly while he thinks. “I kind of think it is your
place, though. Isn’t it? Does it not have
everything to do with you? And I can’t ask
Ridge. I’ve never seen him like this before, and
frankly, I’m a little terrified of him right now.
But I’m worried about Maggie, and I need you to
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tell me what happened so I can figure out if
there’s anything I can do to help.”
I close my eyes, wondering how I can answer
Warren’s question with a simplified response. I
open my eyes and look at him again. “Don’t be
angry with him, Warren. The only thing Ridge
has done wrong is fail to delete a few messages.”
Warren tilts his head and narrows his doubtful
eyes. “If that’s the only thing Ridge did wrong,
then why is Maggie avoiding him? Are you say-
ing that the messages she read weren’t wrong?
Whatever has been going on between the two of
you isn’t wrong?”
I don’t like the condescending undertone in his
voice. I sit up on the bed and scoot back, putting
space between the two of us as I respond. “The
fact that Ridge has been honest in his conversa-
tions with me is not something he did wrong. The
fact that he has feelings for me also isn’t wrong,
when you know exactly how much he’s fought
those feelings. People can’t control matters of the
heart, Warren. They can only control their
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actions, which is exactly what Ridge did. He lost
control once for ten seconds, but after that, every
single time temptation reared its ugly head, he
walked in the other direction. The only thing
Ridge has done wrong is fail to delete his mes-
sages, because by doing so, he failed to protect
Maggie. He failed to protect her from the harsh
truth that people don’t get to choose who they
fall in love with. They only get to choose who
they stay in love with.” I look up at the ceiling and blink back tears. “He was choosing to stay in
love with her, Warren. Why can’t she see that?
This will kill him so much more than it’s killing
her.”
I fall back onto the bed, and Warren remains
beside me, quiet and still. Several long moments
pass, and then he stands and slowly makes his
way to my bedroom door. “I owe you an apo-
logy,” he says.
“An apology for what?”
He drops his eyes to the floor and shifts his
feet. “I didn’t think you were good enough for
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him, Sydney.” He slowly brings his gaze back to
mine. “You are. You and Maggie both are. This
is the first moment since meeting Ridge that I
don’t envy him.”
He leaves the room, somehow having made me
feel the tiniest bit better and a whole hell of a lot worse.
I continue to lie still on my bed, listening for
the sound of Ridge’s anger to return, but it
doesn’t. It’s completely quiet throughout the
apartment. The only thing any of us can hear is
the lingering shattering of Maggie’s heart.
I pick up my phone for the first time since I
put it on silent and see that I have a missed text
from Ridge, sent just a few minutes ago.
Ridge: I changed my mind. I need you to
leave today.
Ridge
I pile a few things into a bag, hoping I’ll actually
need it once I get to her house. I have no idea if
Maggie will even allow me to step through her
front door, but the only thing I can do right now
is be optimistic, because the alternative is unac-
ceptable. It just is. I refuse to accept that this is it.
I know she’s hurt, and I know she hates me
right now, but she has to understand how much
she means to me and how my feelings for Sydney
were never intentional.
I clench my fists again, wondering why in the
hell I ever had those conversations with Sydney
in the first place. Or why I failed to delete them. I never thought Maggie would be in a position to
read them. I guess in a way, I just didn’t feel
guilty. The way I’ve felt toward Sydney wasn’t
something I wanted to happen, but the feelings
are there, and refusing to act on them since our
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initial kiss has taken a hell of a lot of effort. In an oddly sadistic way, I’ve actually been proud of
myself for being able to fight it the way I have.
But Maggie won’t see that side of it, and I
completely understand. I k now Maggie, and if
she read all the messages, she’s more upset about
the connection I’ve made with Sydney than she is
over the fact that I k issed her. The feelings I
have for Sydney aren’t something I’m sure I can
talk my way out of.
I grab my bag and my phone and head into the
kitchen to pack the laptop. When I reach the
counter, I notice a piece of paper peeking out
from the computer. I find a sticky note stuck to
the screen.
Ridge,
It was never my intention to read your person-
al stuff, but when I opened your laptop, it was all right there in front of me. I read all of it, and I wish I never saw it. Please give me time to
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process everything before you show up. I’ll con-
tact you when I’m ready to talk in a few days.
Maggie
A few days?
God, please don’t let her be serious. There’s no
way my heart will survive this for a few days. I’ll
be lucky if I make it through the end of today
knowing how I’ve made her feel.
I toss my bag back toward my bedroom door
since I won’t need it for a while. I lean forward in
defeat and rest my elbows on the bar, crumpling
the note up in my fist. I stare down at the laptop
before me.
Piece of shit computer.
Why the hell didn’t I have a password on it?
Why the hell didn’t I take it with me when I left
the hospital? Why the hell didn’t I delete
everything? Why the hell did I even write any-
thing to Sydney in the first place?
I’ve never hated an inanimate object as much
as I hate this computer. I slam the screen shut and
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bring my fist down on top of it with all my
strength. I wish I could hear it crack. I wish I
could hear the sound my fist makes each time I
bring it down forcefully. I want to hear it crushed
beneath my fist the same way my heart feels
crushed inside my chest.
I stand up straight and pick the laptop up, then
slam it down on the bar. I see Warren exit his
bedroom out of the corner of my eye, but I’m too
pissed to care if I’m making too much noise. I
continue to pick the laptop up and slam it against
the bar over and over, but it doesn’t diminish the
hatred I feel for it in the least, and it also doesn’t do enough damage to the casing. Warren walks
toward the kitchen and heads to a cabinet. He
reaches inside and grabs something, then walks
over to me. I pause my attack on the computer
and look up to see him holding out a hammer. I
gladly take it, then step back and bring the ham-
mer down against the laptop with all my might.
This time, I can actually see the cracks appear
with each hit.
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Much better.
I hit it over and over and watch as pieces fly in
all directions. I’m also leaving a hefty amount of
damage on the bar beneath my mangled com-
puter, but I don’t give a shit. Countertops are re-
placeable. What this computer destroyed of Mag-
gie isn’t.
When there isn’t much left of the computer to
destroy, I finally drop the hammer on the bar. I’m
out of breath. I turn and slide down to the floor
with my back against the cabinets.
Warren walks around me and sits on the floor
in front of me, resting his back against the wall
behind him. “Feel better?” he signs.
I shake my head. I don’t feel better, I just feel
worse. Now I know for a fact that it’s not the
laptop I’m mad at. It’s me. I’m mad at myself.
“Anything I can do to help?”
I ponder his question. The only thing that
could help me get Maggie back is to prove to her
that there’s nothing going on between me and
Sydney. In order to prove that to her, I need to
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not have any interaction with Sydney whatso-
ever. That’s kind of hard with her in the very
next room.
“Can you help Sydney move?” I sign.
“Today?”
Warren lowers his chin at my request, eyeing
me with disappointment. “Today? Her apartment
won’t be ready for three more days. Besides, she
needs furniture, and what we ordered this morn-
ing isn’t even being delivered until the day she
moves in.”
I pull my wallet out of my pocket and remove
my credit card. “Take her to a hotel, then. I’ll pay
for her room until her apartment is ready. I need
her out in case Maggie comes back. She can’t be
here.”
Warren takes my card and stares at it for sever-
al seconds before bringing his eyes back to mine.
“This is kind of a shitty move considering this is
your fault. Don’t expect me to be the one to ask
her to leave today. You owe her that much.”
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I have to admit, Warren’s reaction surprises
me. Yesterday he seemed to hate Sydney. Today
he’s acting as if he’s protecting her. “I already
told her I need her to leave today. Do me a favor,
and make sure she gets moved in okay this week.
Get her anything she needs. Groceries, extra fur-
niture, whatever.”
I’m beginning to stand up when the door to
Sydney’s room opens. She’s walking out back-
ward, pulling both of her suitcases. Warren
scrambles to his feet next to me, and as soon as
she turns around and her eyes lock with mine, she
freezes.
The guilt over what I’m having her do hits me
when I see the tears in her eyes. She doesn’t de-
serve this. She hasn’t done anything to deserve
all that I’ve put her through. The way it makes
me feel to know I’ve hurt her is exactly why I
need her to leave, because I shouldn’t care this
much.
But I do. God, I care about her so much.
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I break eye contact with her and look back to
Warren. “Thank you for helping her,” I sign. I
head back to my room, not wanting to watch
Sydney walk out the front door. I can’t imagine
losing both her and Maggie in the course of a few
hours, but it’s actually happening.
Warren grabs my arm as I pass him, forcing
me to turn and look at him. “You aren’t even go-
ing to tell her good-bye?” he signs.
“I can’t tell her good-bye when I don’t really
want her to leave.” I continue toward my room,
thankful that I can’t hear the sound of the front
door closing behind her when she leaves. I don’t
know if I could take it.
I pick up my phone and lie down on my bed. I
pull up Maggie’s number and send her a text.
Me: I’ll give you however much time you
need. I love you more than you even real-
ize. I’m not going to deny anything I said
to Sydney, because it was all true, espe-
cially the parts about you and how much I
love you. I know you’re hurt, and I know I
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betrayed you, but please. You have to
know how much I’ve fought for you.
Please don’t end us like this.
I hit the send button and pull the phone to my
chest.
Then I f*cking cry.