Chapter 21
I like the way you lie
When I ask you to stay.
I like the way you flirt
When I need to go away.
~ Romeo’s Quest
“You might want to put your hair down,” Ryan muttered against my ear at breakfast. “If Henry sees the huge hickey on your neck, he might freak out.”
I gasped at his comment and reached to pull my messy bun down, covering up my neck.
Ryan snickered. “We’re having a very intense conversation in Hailey’s car today.” He gave me a glare. “Going to the library, my ass.”
Hailey stumbled into the kitchen, looking like a zombie. She grabbed a mug, poured some orange juice, and stumbled out.
“She’s not a morning person, is she?” I asked.
“Not in the least.” Ryan paused. “You okay? Last night you were kind of…”
“A mess?”
“A hot mess,” he grinned. He always looked so effortlessly handsome. He was wearing a plain blue polo with his cross necklace and some jeans. All he had done to his hair was run his hands through it. Yet Ryan made it look as if he’d just come from a GQ magazine photo shoot. Every. Freaking. Day.
“Yeah. I’m fine. Just going through the motions of life.”
He laughed, moving to pour me a cup of tea. “That can be a real bitch sometimes.”
He wasn’t lying. I thanked him for the tea and I hopped off the stool. I headed toward the living room, where I saw Rebecca sitting on the couch, watching the news. My fingers combed my hair down against my neck.
“Oh, hey, Ashlyn.” She smiled brightly as she sipped her coffee. “Come here. I have a question for you.” Her hand patted the spot on the couch next to her.
My butt found the sofa cushions and I sank into them. She placed both of our mugs on the table. Rebecca smiled and moved in closer, taking my hands into hers.
“How are you?”
How was I supposed to answer that?
Good. I hate almost all of the boys at the school.
Good. I love eating lunch with your gay son and Buddhist daughter.
Good. I haven’t heard from my mom, and Henry has no photos of me in his office proving that I exist.
Good. I just made out with my teacher in a cemetery last night in front of his dead parents and have the marks to prove it. Then he pushed me away suddenly with no explanation.
“I’m okay,” I muttered. “I’m good.”
She released a sigh of relief and patted my hands. “God is good, isn’t he?”
I narrowed my eyes on her and slowly nodded. “Sure.” I paused, wondering how understanding Rebecca was when it came to all issues. She never came across as too pushy or close-minded to me. So it made me wonder why Ryan and Hailey had to keep their private truths secret. The way they showed up for me last night made me want to help them, too.
“Hey, Rebecca…what would you say if I told you I liked girls?”
He hands dropped from holding mine and she chuckled a bit. “What?” Then it happened. I saw the shift of her whole personality. She smiled tightly and stood up. “I better make sure Hailey’s up for school.”
“She is. Ryan and I saw her.”
Rebecca turned off the television and moved toward the stairway. “Yes, but just to be sure. You can never be sure about these things.”
She moved in a hurry, rushing upstairs. I tried to grasp at the many different emotions that had been showcased in her eyes. Fear, guilt, anger? There was no doubt that there had been an air of restrained fury in her blues. Yet that wasn’t the main thing I’d noticed.
No, it was sadness that had prevailed amongst her looks.
But why would that have made her sad?
I heard shouting coming from upstairs, echoing throughout the hallways of the house. Rebecca and Henry were having a strong screaming match. Henry stumbled down the stairs—loudly—and was standing in front of me. He brushed his fingers against his peppered beard and sighed.
“Are you a lesbian?”
My mouth hung open at his forward question. “Henry!” I harshly whispered.
“Well, are you?” He paused and shifted his weight around. “Because I don’t care. Really, I don’t.” He sniffed through his nose and placed his arms across his body. “And if you don’t feel comfortable here, we’ll find somewhere else to go.”
A silence fell. I tilted my head toward him and stilled my body. His green eyes were filled with so much passion and honesty. “You would move? For me?”
He brushed his fingers against his lips and sighed. “Of course I would, Ashlyn. You’re my…” His words faltered. He cleared his throat. “You’re my daughter. And I could give a rat’s ass who you love. You’ve been through enough this year and—”
“I’m not a lesbian.”
Henry paused and arched his eyebrows. He was struck with a strange surprise. As if he’d already made it up in his mind that we were moving due to my sexuality. “You’re not a lesbian?”
“I’m not a lesbian,” I repeated.
“Jesus Christ, Ashlyn!” He sighed heavily and fell onto the chair. “That’s all fine and dandy, but if we could try to avoid such topics to keep away from such fights before seven a.m., that would be great.”
I turned away from Henry, who was pretty relieved that we weren’t packing our bags. A smile found my lips.
He’d picked me first.
I’d never thought he would pick me first.
The car ride to school was eerily silent after the fight between Rebecca and Henry. The tension was thick. I tried my best to sink into the back seat.
Ryan eyed me through the rearview mirror and sighed. “Listen, I get what you were trying to do, asking my mom that question and all but…” He muttered something under his breath. “I know how she is. Okay? I know how she would react. Just, don’t try. For one, she won’t approve, and for two, I’m not ready for her disapproval.”
My fingers ran across the gray-clothed seats, my heart pounding against my chest. I felt awful for even having brought it up to Rebecca. “I’m sorry, Ryan.” I really was. It wasn’t my place to even bring up such an issue.
We pulled into the parking lot of the school and the three of us hopped out. I watched Hailey climb out of the car and look toward Theo, who was waving her over. “I’ll catch you guys later.” She started in his direction and I went to stop her. Ryan placed his hands on my shoulders.
“She has to learn on her own, Chicago,” he said. His voice lowered. “I know I did.”
“Ryan, I really am sorry. I didn’t mean to make a big issue this early in the morning. Or to make an issue at all.”
“It’s okay,” he said, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. “Now as long as you tell me where you got that hickey from, we’ll be really okay.”
I laughed as I snuggled against him. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” When I looked up, I saw Daniel walking right next to us into the school building, his eyes locking with mine. There was a small twitch in his lips, and he eyes were the bluest of blue against his shirt.
“Good morning Ryan and Ashlyn,” he said.
“Morning, Mr. D.,” Ryan replied, his arm still around me.
Daniel noticed Ryan’s hold and stared back at me for a split second. I pulled my friend closer to me, giving Daniel a hateful glare.
“Good morning, Mr. Daniels.”
English class came and Daniel didn’t look at me once. Not only had he ignored all of my text messages, but he was also ignoring me in class. Wonderful—back to square one.
“Okay, who wants to present their flash fiction first?” Daniel asked.
No one raised their hands. Stupid flash fiction. Stupid teacher for assigning flash fiction. Stupid life.
Daniel frowned, looking around. Then a bright smile came to his face. “All right, Avery. Thanks for volunteering! You’re up.”
Avery groaned. “Come on, Mr. Daniels. I didn’t volunteer,” he huffed and puffed.
“Oh…well okay. Then you were lucky enough to be picked. Get on up here.”
Avery dragged his body up to the front of class as Daniel took a seat in one of the abandoned chairs in the back of the class. Avery was a bigger kid, and the idea of hearing him read flash fiction would have made me smirk last week. But today, my eyes were puffy and I was PMSing and just all around annoyed.
Avery cleared his throat and cursed under his breath, stating how stupid this was. “Boobs, booze, football. This is the life.” The classroom snickered; his football buddies hooted and hollered. But I noticed Avery frown. Daniel must have noticed it too.
“Try again, Avery,” he said from the back of the class. I didn’t turn around to see him.
Avery gave a sigh, cleared his throat, and read from his paper. “Searching for more, but not smart enough to get there.”
Ryan and I started clapping for him, and the rest of the class laughed. “Loser,” coughed one of his teammates. “Fat loser,” joked another. He rolled his eyes and slugged them as he walked by.
It was always the jokes that hurt the most.
Avery pushed one of his teammates. “Yeah, well, this fat loser gets more girls than you.”
Ryan laughed to himself. “Doubt it.”
Avery shot his eyes over to Ryan. “You got something to say, Turner?” What was it with football players always calling people by their last names? Did Avery even know Ryan’s first name?
Ryan rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair. “Not a word.”
“Figures. You never really did seem to have much to say.”
Avery made his way back to his desk. The rest of the class all went up to read their flash fiction, but Ryan’s was my favorite.
“Stars exploded and I was born. Please call me Tony.” He said it and no one understood it—except me. Ryan winked my way and I smiled.
That left me to go next. Daniel didn’t even call on me, but I wasn’t surprised. His ignoring skills were on point. I walked up there with no paper in my hands and stared Daniel straight in the eyes.
“Identical twins except with death. Romeo’s quest to find Juliet.”
I saw the struggle happening in his eyes. Not knowing what to say, not knowing how to react.
Ryan asked Daniel to come up with his own flash fiction when he moved to the front of the class.
“Shakespeare, kisses, lists. The vision before reality. Dream once more.”
I hated him because I hiccupped and had tears falling down my cheeks. The class snickered at his flash fiction, but it wasn’t funny.
“That doesn’t mean anything!” Ryan argued.
The bell rang and Daniel chuckled to himself.
“All right, everyone. Great job today. Make sure to read chapters one through three of To Kill a Mockingbird for tomorrow. Rumor has it that there might be a pop quiz.”
Ryan groaned as he tossed his backpack on. “It’s not a pop quiz if you tell us about it, Mr. D.”
“Not all rumors are true, Ryan, but it’s best to plan as if they are.” Daniel smirked.
I rolled my eyes. I hated his smirks.
Sigh.
I loved his smirks.
Ryan told me that he would see me at lunch. There were only a few more students left in the class. I moved over to my desk and picked up my books. “Mr. Daniels, I have a question on the reading assignment. Do you think you can help me?”
He narrowed his eyes on me. “Yeah, sure. What’s up?” That was the most he’d said to me in the past hour. The last student walked out of the room and he sighed. “Ashlyn—”
“Is it because of the letter I gave you? About loving you? Because if it is—”
“Ashlyn, no. That’s not it. I swear.”
“Then it’s simply because you’re a jerk?” I waited for the response he never gave me. “I have another letter for you from my sister.” He arched an eyebrow.
I placed one down on his desk. On the front it read: #25. Broken Hearts Club. He sighed, reached for it, and opened it. As I watched him pull out a photo of Gabby, I gasped. I almost lost it completely right then and there when I saw her. She was looking straight into the camera, holding up both of her middle fingers. That’s my girl.
On the back of the picture were the words “F*ck you for hurting her!” in black sharpie.
I wanted to laugh, but I didn’t. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t.
Daniel smiled. “She had your charm.”
He was wrong though. Gabby was a lot more charming than I was. “You told me you wanted me to be yours…” I whispered, moving closer to his desk.
“I know, Ashlyn. And I do… It’s just… It’s complicated.”
I rolled my eyes. “For a very smart guy, you sure are a complete idiot. I’m the definition of complicated, Daniel. What’s the deal? You ignored me all night because of your brother—”
“Are you talking about me?”
There he was again, standing in Daniel’s doorway looking at us. I turned to face him and saw the shock in his eyes from seeing me.
“Oh… Oh wow.”
Oh no.
“This is new, huh? Going for the students, are we?” He moved into the classroom and sat on the edge of Daniel’s desk.
“It’s not what it looks like, Jace…” Daniel said in a low growl.
Jace.
I didn’t know the devil had such a sweet name.
“Really?” He leaned in closer, whispering to Daniel. “Because it looks like you’re f*cking your student.”
My mouth dropped wide, shocked by his words. “We haven’t—”
“Ashlyn!” Daniel hissed, slamming his hand against his desk. “Don’t talk to him.”
“Don’t worry. I just dropped by to say hi. Here.” Jace pulled out a piece of paper and slapped it into his brother’s hand. “Call me for a little brotherly bonding later on. I’ll bring the beer. You bring the chicks?” He gave me a full-grown smile and I wanted so much to knock him out. “Just make sure mine are legal. I already did enough time behind bars.” He disappeared from the classroom, leaving me astonished.
Daniel’s jaw clenched and he lowered his head, rubbing the back of his neck. “I need you to leave, Ash.”
“What does he have on you?” I wondered out loud.
We had been fine until his brother showed up. For a split second, I could’ve sworn we had even been…happy.
He ignored me. I released an uncomfortable laugh and squirmed around in my shoes before I turned to walk away. I’d been so stupid to even think for a second that we were us.
I should’ve never stopped by to see Daniel weeks ago when I saw him standing alone in the cemetery.
I should’ve kept walking. I should’ve pretended I hadn’t seen him.
But I had seen him.
And for a small moment in time, he’d seen me, too.
Hailey didn’t show up for lunch. I noticed that Theo wasn’t in the cafeteria either. Sitting down at the table, I sighed when I saw Daniel looking my way. He glanced away fast before anyone else could notice.
Ryan came walking over and slammed his tray down. “Okay, I know I said she had to learn on her own about Theo, but I really thought she would have made better choices.”
“She’s smart. She’ll be fine,” I said, taking some fries from his tray.
“If he hurts her again…” His voice was somber as he looked around, waiting for Hailey to walk in. “I’ll kill him.” His hand went into his pocket and he pulled out his fake pack of cigarettes.
“Ryan, what is that exactly?” I asked, curiosity finally pushing me far enough to want to question him about his fake cigarette habit.
He eyed his fingers, which were holding an invisible cigarette. A frown found his lips and he placed his hands on the table. “When I was thirteen, I told my dad I thought I was gay.”
My heart stopped beating at the mention of his dad. I’d never heard him or Hailey ever talk about their father before.
Ryan continued. “I cried and cried because we went to church, ya know? And Mom believed in hell. She still does, of course. She would tell us how sinning was wrong, how bad-doers would go to hell. So I knew how I was feeling wasn’t right. I wasn’t right.”
Oh, Ryan…
“Dad told me it didn’t matter. None of it mattered. I was his kid and he loved me. He said he would talk to Mom, and I begged him not to. I begged him to keep it between us. A few nights later, I sat at the top of the staircase in our house and listened to them fight. About me. He told her that he thought I might be gay but never stated it as a fact.” Ryan narrowed his eyes, looking at his fingers. “She called him a liar and a bunch of bullshit things. I guess she accused him of cheating on her, too. Which was stupid. He would never…” He paused. “She told him to leave. To never come back. I rushed to my bedroom. From my window, I watched him walk outside to the front of the house. He lit up a cigarette and started smoking it, running his hands through his hair. Then he got into his car and left.”
“He didn’t come back?” I asked, my gut tangled in knots.
“The headline was, um…” He narrowed his eyes, tracking back into his memory. “Paul Turner, father of two, dies in a horrific car accident on the corner of Jefferson Avenue and Pine Street.”
The guilt and blame was strong in Ryan’s words. His fingers lifted the invisible cigarette and he rested it between his lips.
“It wasn’t your fault, Ryan.”
He held his fingers up and stared at them. “The cigarette box is a reminder of why my secret is a secret. All it does is hurt people. I take the box everywhere I go.”
Our conversation came to a halt when Hailey came over in a hurry. She slammed her tray down on the table. “Sorry I’m late.”
I looked up, saw Theo walking into the lunchroom, and gagged. I still hated him.
“We’re back on.” Hailey smiled brightly. “I apologized for being a controlling girlfriend, and he said our spirits could still travel together.”
“You apologized?!” I whined, perplexed.
“You don’t understand, Ashlyn. I love him.”
Love? I was starting to wonder what that word meant. It seemed that people tossed it around to everyone nowadays. Myself included.
Ryan ignored his sister, not pleased with her choices. I had to admit that I was a bit disappointed, too.
He turned back to me. “It was Jake, wasn’t it? Did Jake give you that hickey?” I blushed.
“No.”
“But he wants to give you a hickey?”
“Yes.”
“And…the boy who did give it to you is…”
I frowned. “No longer in the picture.”