What can I do to show how I feel?
From the beginning to the end, we are real.
~ Romeo’s Quest
I was pretty pleased with myself. Even through the guys at school were hitting on me while they mocked my body, I ignored them. I ignored the rumors that started about me sleeping around (quite quickly, might I add.) I smiled at Daniel sometimes to make him realize that we didn’t have to be weird about the situation (even though I really wanted to cry, might I add.)
I was doing okay. Instead of drowning in a land of depression, I decided that picking up a library card would be a better choice. Drowning myself in make-believe seemed more promising. I traveled to the library every afternoon, walking in the warm sun right after school and returning home when the moon was high.
One morning before school, Hailey was brushing out her hair and she sat her brush down. “Theo asked me out again.”
I turned to her, disgusted for her. She hadn’t spoken about him in the weeks since the party. “What an a*shole,” I muttered.
“Yeah.” She paused. “I’m thinking about saying yes.”
My eyes widened. “You’re kidding?”
She wasn’t. I watched her head fall to the ground and her shoulders slump. “I’m not like you, okay? I don’t have guys throwing themselves at me—let alone looking at me. Theo’s my only shot at a relationship.”
“The people ‘throwing’ themselves at me are total dicks. Trust me. You don’t want that. Plus, you’re seventeen, not eighty-three. There will be other guys.”
She paused, rolling my comment through her brain. I sighed when I watched her shake her head. “He apologized. For what he did with Lia.”
“You can apologize for punching someone, but it doesn’t stop the bruising.”
“Did you read that from one of your books?” she snickered.
“Hailey…”
She pulled out a small bag with pills in it. “He wants me to try these. He said if we have something in common, then we might work out better.”
I stared at her as if she had lost her damn mind. “He wants you to take drugs to be closer to him?”
“Are you a virgin?”
I rubbed my fingers against my temple and shook my head. Her question had come out of left field. It was hardly after six a.m. and we were talking about drugs and sex. I definitely needed a cup of tea.
“No. My last boyfriend used me until he found something new.” I paused and thought about Billy and how he’d made me cry.
“Were you scared?” she whispered.
Terrified.
“I was sixteen. When I was younger, I was pretty stupid. Not in an over-the-top way, but in the normal ‘I’m a kid and don’t know anything about life’ type way. I slept with Billy, thinking that meant he loved me. It was scary, painful, and not in the least romantic. So we did it again and again. I hoped I would grow to like it because I loved him…
“Then, I found out he was doing the same thing with Susie Kenner. My sister Gabby would sit next to me in my bed, playing her guitar while I cried, telling me that Billy was a monstrous prick who probably had a small penis. She was right about his small penis. It was pretty nonexistent.”
Hailey laughed lightly. “Then what happened?”
“Billy called me afterwards, telling me that he missed me a lot and that he was interested in working out our problems, but I couldn’t even stop crying through his phone call. I told him I loved him, and he said he liked me well enough to make it work. All I would have to do was let him touch my breasts every now and then and have sex whenever his parents weren’t around. My sister told me that I shouldn’t go back to him, because he really didn’t like me, but he was more interested in the size of my chest than the size of my brain. And Gabby promised me that the size of my brain was worth being interested in.”
The room filled with silence as I stared down at the carpeted floor. “Hailey, the size of your brain is worth being interested in.”
Her sigh was almost soundless. “She sounded like a great person, your sister.”
“The best,” I softly spoke. “Just think about it, all right? With Theo?”
She promised she would. But I saw the look of hope in her eyes when she spoke about him. I had the same hope when I went back to Billy, thinking it would be different. It wasn’t. Mom used to say, “Leave the past behind you so the future can find you.” That was my favorite saying of hers. After Henry cheated on her, she’d struggled to leave her past behind. But she finally had when she found Jeremy.
“How many more things on your bucket list have you checked off?” Hailey asked, changing the subject.
I blinked. “Just two.” And in an instant, Daniel’s lips were running across my mind. Kiss a stranger. I blinked again, erasing his memory.
Hailey held her hand out to me. “Let me see the note.”
Moving to my dresser, I picked up the letter and laid it in her hands. She opened it up and read it. “Hmm…” she said to herself, darting her eyes. “Number fourteen has already been checked off. ”
“What is it?” I asked, feeling myself growing a little eager.
“Make a new friend.” She smiled.
“You’re my friend?” I asked quietly, not knowing exactly what to say.
Hailey laughed. “Well, if I’m not, then this is very awkward.” She nodded once. “Of course I’m your friend. The way you stood up for me a few weeks ago… The way you still hate Theo… I think that’s friendship.” I smiled wide and she bumped me in the shoulder. “Where’s this note?!”
I moved over to the treasure box and quickly thumbed through the envelopes. Upon finding the letter, I read the front and sighed. It said in Gabby’s handwriting that this letter wasn’t for me—it was for the new friend. How had I not noticed that before? I ran my hands through the other letters, and lo and behold, they weren’t all addressed to me. My heart and lips frowned together.
I placed it in Hailey’s hands and shrugged. “It’s for you.”
“Me?” She was taken aback by the idea that I wouldn’t be the one to read the words. Yet I trusted Gabby. I knew she had some kind of logic behind her mind. “I can pick another number on the list,” Hailey argued. “We aren’t really friends anyway,” she joked.
I laughed. “Yeah, Hailey. We are.”
“Well, stay here. We’re going to read it together.”
#14. Make a Friend
Dear Friend,
I hope it is alright that I address you in such a manner. I figured if you are a friend of Ashlyn, then you are a friend of mine. I wish we had a chance to meet under better circumstances, but the whole dying thing really puts a damper on my ability to make a great first impression.
So what I want to say is thank you. Thank you for befriending a girl who is probably very broken but at the same time so amazingly perfect. Thank you for befriending a girl who is probably a little different and quotes too many books. Thank you for befriending a girl who doesn’t talk about her feelings a lot, but trust me, she feels everything.
Thank you for being there for her.
So now, I promise you that I’ll be there for you, too. I don’t know how. And I probably shouldn’t make those kinds of promises…yet just know that when you see the winds whistling through the flowers, that’s me thanking you and hugging you during your darkest days.
Thank you, friend.
You’re doing great.
~ Gabrielle
Hailey folded the note up and sighed. “I really like your sister.” The way she said ‘like’ as opposed to ‘liked’ made me feel as if Gabby were still here. That feeling stayed with me like a warm glow of happiness from knowing that a part of Gabby had never left. With these letters, she’d somehow fought death. Somehow she’d survived.
Hailey drove Ryan and me to school, and we agreed to meet up for lunch as always. On my way to my locker, Jake ran up to me and nudged me in the shoulder.
“Hey, Ashlyn.”
I gave him a small smile. “Hi, Jake.”
“You look beautiful today,” he said, eyeing me up and down.
I looked up to see Daniel staring at the two of us talking, a splash of anger on his face. His jawline was clenched, his eyes almost shooting daggers. I narrowed my eyes, confused. He then looked away. Had I done that to him? Had I made him jealous?
“Thank you, Jake,” I muttered, still staring at Daniel.
I wished he weren’t so handsome—angry looks and all. It made it hard for me to pretend I wasn’t attracted to him. He vanished around the corner in the direction of my locker. I hoped I would get to see him when I rounded said corner. It was complicated. He was the high point of my day even though he was the low point of my day.
How could that be?
Jake kept walking next to me, his stance being a bit too close for comfort. “So, I was thinking…” He moved in even closer. I could smell the overwhelming amount of cologne on his shirt, which made me gag. “I’m having a Halloween party next weekend after the football game. My parents are out of town and you should come. Costumes required.”
I cringed yet hoped he didn’t notice. “I’m not really the party type of girl. The last one didn’t work out so great for me.”
“Yeah…” He smirked. “But carpe dame, right?” I frowned. I was pretty sure he’d meant carpe diem. He kept on. “Come on, Ashlyn. You can’t always be the assistant principal’s daughter. You gotta start showing people who you really are. Or else they’ll keep eating you alive.”
“I…” I paused. “I’m not interested, Jake.” I saw him frown and instantly felt bad. “Maybe the next party?” I gave him a kind smile and nudged him in the arm.
He perked up and nodded. “Yeah, okay! You’ll be the first name on the invite list. I’ll see you in class, okay?” He hurried off with a huge smile on his face. I hoped I wasn’t leading him on any.
When I turned the corner to get to my locker, I saw Daniel standing in front of it, ripping things off.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
He saw me and started ripping faster. “Damn kids,” he muttered. “I’ll find out who did it and—”
“Did what?” I moved closer and saw the pictures. Cut-out images of breasts plastered all over the place. My eyes went to water over but I bit my bottom lip when I heard some girls giggling behind me. I wouldn’t cry; that was what they wanted me to do. I was so embarrassed that he was the one who had to see this.
“Daniel…”I whispered, watching him bend down and picking up the pictures. He ignored me. “Mr. Daniels!” I said a hair louder, which made the kids giggle even more. I ignored them. “Please stay away from my locker.”
His stare was cold. “This…this isn’t going to be allowed. Not to anyone in this school. Especially to…” He paused, noticing the crowd surrounding him.
I hiccupped once. “To what?” I asked.
When his eyes found mine, the softness and apologetic glance made everything inside me tighten. Especially to me. He shifted his feet around before he turned and walked away, ordering the students to get to class. I picked up one of the abandoned pictures on the ground and sighed.
My boobs weren’t that big.
Daniel apologized to me for the way he’d reacted earlier, telling me it had been unprofessional. I don’t want you to be professional. I shrugged to him and took my seat. He sat on the edge of his desk. The sleeves on his button-down shirt were pushed all the way up to his elbows, and he had the end of a dry-erase marker resting in his hands.
He was so handsome, and my body was going crazy over that fact. Even when I tried to get rid of my crush on him, it seemed to grow even stronger without us communicating. It turned out we communicated best in silence. A few glances here, a few tiny smiles there. Maybe our connection didn’t need words or sounds. Maybe it just was.
He was so intelligent, too.
He was so smart that it made me want to crawl into his head and live there. I wasn’t falling for Daniel during the school hours. I was falling for Mr. Daniels.
Half the students in class probably never had any idea how intellectual he was. He was just another boring teacher to them. But I was smitten by how his mind found ways to teach us. How he could push us, push me to try new concepts.
We were in our poetry section covering sonnets, haikus, and my personal favorite…
He hopped off his desk and pushed his way to the board, which read: Flash Fiction.
“Come on, ladies and gents! One of you must have some idea of what flash fiction is. Just start tossing things out.”
“Fiction about the superhero Flash!” Ryan smirked.
“Close…” Daniel laughed. “But not exactly.” My hand flew up for the first time since the school year started. Daniel saw this and gave me a sweet smile. “Yes, Ashlyn?”
“Fiction that happens in a flash…as in short, short stories. They normally tell a complete story within a few sentences, a few words.”
Avery, one of the only football players who didn’t tease me, snickered. “That’s impossible.” He was the same guy who’d been kicked out of Bible study. I wondered what he had done to get kicked out. You probably had to be pretty ruthless to have God’s people turn on you.
“Not really,” I argued quietly.
Daniel arched an eyebrow and stepped back to the front of his desk. He sat again with his legs extended and crossed at his ankles. “Care to explain, Ms. Jennings?” He used my last name, and for some reason, it made my thighs pulse in excitement.
I wanted to impress him. I wanted him to know how much I knew. The palms of my hands were growing clammy, and I ran them against my legs. My teal sundress lay against my body, yet I felt extremely exposed.
Was it bad that I liked how exposed I felt in front of him?
Daniel turned me on with his music, his voice, his sounds, and his touch. His gentleness and sense of humor. But Mr. Daniels made my thighs quiver in a completely different manner. A forbidden way. A seductive fashion. I daydreamed about class releasing and his holding me back—saying that he had to go over something with me. He would close his classroom door and push me against it as his hand slowly pulled up the hem of my dress. My mouth gaped open at his touch, his caresses.
I imagined his fingers finding my panties and rolling against the fabric, back and forth in a slow motion, making me pant for more. His fingers pushed against the fabric before he found his way inside. “Mr. Daniels…” I would whisper against his ear, sucking on his earlobe between moans.
He would kiss me down my neck, licking me slowly. Touching me seductively as he turned me on by breathing against my cleavage. He would scold me, telling me how I’d been a very bad girl. I would moan lightly as he lifted me up against the wall, sliding down my spaghetti straps and cupping my breasts in the palm of his hands. He would claim my chest, my body as his and his only.
Then, in my deep imagination, someone would enter the classroom and I would hide behind his door. My breaths uneven and rushed, adrenaline coursing through every inch of my body. I wouldn’t pull my dress completely down so that when he glanced behind the door he could see my damp, teal panties teasing him, making him that much hungrier.
Oh yes, Mr. Daniels turned me on in an extreme amount. And that was only in my mind. I wondered what he could do if he actually touched me in the classroom.
“Um…Ashlyn?” Ryan poked me in my arm.
I shook myself from my fantasy. The whole class was staring at me and my wide-open mouth. My lips shut. My cheeks reddened.
“Uh—yeah. Yes.” Clearing my throat and my thoughts, I continued. “There’s a story that’s been going around forever. People contribute the story to Ernest Hemingway, yet it’s hard to say if it’s a fact that it truly happened. Anyway, the rumor is that Hemingway was bet to tell a story using six words.”
“Like I said,” Avery laughed. “Impossible.”
Daniel’s eyes were narrowed in on me. He arched an eyebrow and the corner of his mouth turned up in a grin. Did he know that I’d been daydreaming about him? Did he dream about me, too?
“Impossible?” Daniel muttered. “Is it?” he asked, moving again to the board. He wrote, “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” Hemingway’s story.
The room went silent. The words on the board even made me shiver, even though I’d already known the story.
Ryan was the first to speak when he said, “Burned by a teacher, Avery!”
The room started cracking up, and I couldn’t stop smiling. I wanted to be shocked that Daniel knew the exact story I’d spoke of, but of course he did. He was intelligent beyond measure.
Daniel held his hands up, bringing the roaring class to silence. “All right. Yes. So what I want from you is to take these papers you wrote for me at the beginning of the year about your goals in life—which I’ve given you all a few notes about”—he lifted a stack of paper and started handing them back to us—“and I want you to sum it up in three different ways. Next week as a sonnet. The week after as a haiku. And three weeks from now as a flash fiction story. At the end of each week, you’ll present your poetry in class. I won’t go Hemingway on you, giving you only six words for the flash fiction. You get ten.” He placed my paper on my desk and smiled at me. It was that same kind smile I’d taken in way back when at the train station. “Make each word count.”
When he handed Ryan his paper, Daniel paused. “This might be the best essay I’ve ever read, Ryan. Keep it up.” Ryan grinned and thanked Daniel.
The bell rang and everyone hurried out of the class. I didn’t understand why they were so quick to leave. This was my favorite class to slowly retreat from. Before standing from my desk, I noticed an extra piece of paper attached to my essay. Flipping it over, I read the words Daniel had written to me.
Brilliant. Simply brilliant.
You’re going to be an amazing author.
I’ll read whatever you write.
I miss you so much it’s hard to breathe.
When I looked up, I saw his eyes on me. He looked as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders as our eyes connected. I felt the weight remove from my body, too. He was still there. Daniel wasn’t merely Mr. Daniels—he was still himself. And I was still on his mind, the same way he lived in mine.
Maybe there weren’t two different Daniels. Maybe Mr. Daniels was just another part of him. So it wasn’t surprising that I had fallen for both sides of the coin. I was crazy about all of him—the good, the bad, and the broken pieces.
I think I liked the broken pieces the most.
I didn’t even know what it meant for us—his note, my looking up to him. Yet I didn’t care. It was enough for now. I thought the best thing to call it was hope. I really loved the hope in his eyes.
His lips turned up in a half smirk and my lips followed, giving him the other half. We made each other smile without even saying a word.
Those were my favorite smiles.
I stood up from my chair and placed everything inside my backpack except for my current read. I hugged it tight as always, and when I passed Daniel’s desk, I heard him say my name. I didn’t turn back to him, yet I stood still.
“Were you thinking about what I think you were thinking about during class?” he whispered. My cheeks deepened in color. I heard his light laugh. “I think about it, too.”
My head turned to him to find his blues. I smiled. “Really?”
“Really, really.”
I turned away, and when I was out of his viewpoint, I smiled even bigger.
I smiled so wide my cheeks started to hurt.