Chapter Thirty-seven
I’ve never brought her to my house before, even though we’ve been dating for a month now. Hope spent a lot of time at our house when we were kids, so I’m worried my mother will recognize her and say something when she meets her. So until Sky knows the truth about her past, I don’t want to risk her finding out from anyone other than me.
I don’t want Sky to think I don’t want her to be a part of my life by never allowing her to come to my house or meet my family, so I’ve taken the opportunity to bring her here tonight since I know my mother won’t be home. And even though we’re finally alone, kissing on my bed, I don’t feel right about it. The night didn’t start out well and the guilt from everything that has happened up to this point is in the forefront of my mind, even though I’d rather my mind be focused on the moment.
She’s been distant all day and I should have known it was my fault somehow. After we left the art gallery where we went to support Breckin and his boyfriend, Max, she hardly spoke two words to me. I wondered if it had something to do with last night and sure enough, it had everything to do with last night.
After my mother’s Halloween party at the law firm yesterday, where I may or may not have snuck too many drinks, I went to Sky’s house and crawled through her window. Things were good and we fell asleep, only to wake up to her crying hysterically. She was crying and shaking and I’ve never seen anyone react to a nightmare like that.
Ever.
It scared the shit out of me. Mostly because I didn’t know how to help her, but also because I really didn’t know where the hell I was when I woke up next to her. I was still a little buzzed from the drinks and I had little recollection of even leaving my house and sneaking into her bedroom. It scared me to know that I was around her while I was incoherent. I was scared that I might have let something slip about her past. I held her until she stopped crying but then I left because I could still feel the effects of the alcohol and I really didn’t want to say something to screw all this up.
But apparently I did, because earlier when we were downstairs, she said something about Hope. She said her name and it completely stunned me. Knocked the breath out of me. And if I wasn’t trying my damndest to act like I didn’t know what she was talking about., it would have knocked me to my knees.
But I let her explain herself and it turns out my fears were dead-on about being around her while I wasn’t completely coherent. Apparently I mumbled Hope’s name instead of Sky’s, and for the entire past day she’s been making herself sick about it. She’s been thinking Hope was someone else entirely and the thought of her thinking I would want or need or even entertain the thought of another girl just completely breaks my heart.
So right now, I’m doing everything I can to show her that she’s the only girl I think about.
Just her.
I’m kissing her, propped up on my hands and knees, attempting to avoid making her feel like I brought her here for anything other than to just spend time with her.
But she is wearing a dress again.
After those two hours in Daniel’s basement I think we were both pretty impressed with how well my hands and her dress became acquainted. We were also pretty impressed with how well my hands and the clothing under her dress became acquainted.
But now, here she is, wearing a dress again. And we passed quite a few firsts on that couch two weeks ago. So much so that it pretty much only leaves one more first to pass tonight and the fact that she knows that and I know that and she’s still wearing a dress has my mind jumbled and my heart racing.
It also didn’t help matters that before we made it up here to the bedroom, we were making out on the stairs and she blurted out the fact that she was a virgin. I already knew she was a virgin, but just the fact that she was thinking about it while I was kissing her to the point that she actually blurted it out loud leads me to believe that she just wanted to warn me for when we got to that point.
And I’m thinking she’s at that point, which is why she felt the need to clear the air downstairs, so she wouldn’t have to say it when it actually came to that point.
To the point it’s at right now.
The point at which I’m thanking the angels and the gods and the birds and the bees and sweet baby Jesus that she’s wearing this dress. If there’s one thing that can ease my guilt and allow me to focus solely on her for the time being, it’s this dress.
“Holy shit, Sky,” I say, kissing her madly. “God, you feel incredible. Thank you for wearing this dress. I really . . .” I kiss down her chin until my lips meet her neck. “I really like it. Your dress.” I continue kissing her neck and she tilts her head back, allowing me easier access. I drop my hand to her thigh and run it up under her dress. When I reach the top of her thigh I desperately want to keep going. But the fact that she’s allowed me there once before doesn’t mean I’m allowed there right now.
But apparently I am, because she twists her body more toward mine, directing my hand to keep heading where it’s heading. Her hands crawl up my back just as my hand greets the panties lining her hip. I slip my fingers underneath the lining and begin to tug at the same time she pulls on my shirt.
She begins to pull it over my head and I’m forced to move my hand away. I squeeze her thigh, not wanting to have to pull back, but I’m pretty sure I want my shirt off just as much as she wants it off.
As soon as I lift up onto my knees, away from her, she whimpers. The sound makes me smile and after my shirt is off, I bend forward and kiss the corner of her lips. I bring my hand to her face and gently stroke her hairline, watching her. I know we’re about to pass the most significant first of all and I want to memorize everything about this moment. I want to remember exactly what she looks like lying beneath me. I want to remember exactly what she sounds like the moment I’m inside her. I want to remember what she tastes like and what she feels like and what she—
“Holder,” she says, breathlessly.
“Sky,” I say, mimicking her. I don’t know what she’s about to say but whatever it is, it can wait a few seconds, because I need to kiss her again. I dip my head and part her lips until our tongues meet. We kiss slowly while I memorize every inch of her mouth.
“Holder,” she says again, pulling away from my mouth. She brings her hand to my cheek and looks up into my eyes. “I want to. Tonight. Right now.”
Right now. She said right now. That’s nice because I conveniently don’t have any prior engagements right now. I can do right now.
“Sky . . .” I say, wanting to make sure she’s not doing this just to benefit me. “We don’t have to. I want you to be absolutely positive it’s what you want. Okay? I don’t want to rush you into anything.”
She smiles and strokes her fingernails up and down my arms. “I know that. But I’m telling you I want this. I’ve never wanted it with anyone before, but I want it with you.”
There’s no doubt in my mind that I want her. I want her right now and she obviously wants me, too. But I can’t help but feel guilty, knowing I’m still deceiving her. I haven’t told her the truth about us and I feel like if she knew, she wouldn’t be making this decision.
I’m about to pull away from her until she places her hand on my cheeks and lifts herself off the bed until her lips are touching mine. “This isn’t me saying yes, Holder. This is me saying please.”
What was it I was thinking just now? Something about waiting?
F*ck that.
Our lips collide and I groan, pushing her back against the bed. “We’re really doing this?” I ask, not really believing it myself.
“Yes.” She laughs. “We’re really doing this. I’ve never been more positive of anything in my life.”
My hand resumes its position and I begin to pull down her panties.
“I just need you to promise me one thing first,” she says.
I pull my hand away, thinking maybe she’s about to tell me to go a little slower. “Anything.”
She takes my hand and places it right back on her hip. “I want to do this,” she says, firmly looking into my eyes. “But only if you promise we’ll break the record for the best first time in the history of first times.”
I smile. Damn straight. “When it’s you and me, Sky . . . it’ll never be anything less.”
I slide my arm underneath her back and pull her up. I curl my fingers underneath the straps of her dress, then slowly slide them down her arms. She fists one of her hands through my hair, pressing her cheek to mine while my lips meet her shoulder. My fingers are still holding on to the straps of her dress.
“I’m taking it off.”
She nods and I grab the loose material at her waist and begin to lift the dress over her head. Once it’s completely off, I lower her back down onto the bed and she opens her eyes. I scroll over her body, running my hand down her arm and across her stomach, coming to rest on the curve of her hip. I let everything I’m seeing sink in because this is what I want to remember the most. I want to remember exactly what she looks like the second she hands over a piece of her heart.
“Holy shit, Sky,” I whisper, running my hands across her skin. I bend down and kiss her softly on the stomach. “You’re incredible.”
I watch my hand as it glides across her body. I watch as it slides up her stomach and meets her breast. I watch my thumb disappear beneath her bra. As soon as my entire hand has slipped beneath her bra, she’s locking her legs around my waist. I groan and wish at this point that I had more hands because they want to be everywhere, all at once. And I don’t want there to be any material in the way of their journey.
I reach down and pull her underwear off, then remove her bra. I’m kissing her the whole time, even when I slide off the bed to remove the rest of my own clothes. I climb back onto the bed with her. Back on top of her.
As soon as I’m pressed against her I’m hit with the revelation that I’ve never experienced or felt anything like her in my life. This is how it should be when people pass this first. This is exactly how it should feel and it’s incredible.
I reach across the bed and pull a condom out of my nightstand. We haven’t stopped kissing for a single second, but I need to see her face. I need to see that she wants me to be inside her as much as I want to be inside her.
I grab the condom and lift up onto my knees. I open it, but before I put it on I look down at her. Her eyes are closed tightly and her eyebrows are drawn together.
“Sky?” I say. I want her to open her eyes. I just need one final look of reassurance from her, but she fails to open her eyes. I lower myself on top of her again, stroking her cheek. “Babe,” I whisper. “Open your eyes.”
Her lips begin to tremble and she pulls her arms up, crossing them over her eyes. “Get off me,” she whispers.
My heart sinks, not knowing what I did wrong. I’ve done everything I could to make this right but it’s obviously gone wrong somewhere and I have no idea where. I sit up on my knees and scoot away from her just as a violent sob breaks from her. She twists away from me and hugs her arms, covering herself. “Please,” she cries.
“Sky, I stopped,” I say, stroking her arm. She pushes my hand away with her own and her whole body starts to shake. Her lips are moving and she’s speaking under her breath, but I can’t hear what she’s saying. I lean forward to try and hear what she’s trying to tell me.
“Twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty, thirty-one . . .”
She’s counting in rapid succession and crying hysterically, curling herself into a ball on my mattress.
“Sky!” I say louder, trying to get her to stop. I don’t know what the hell is wrong or what I did but this isn’t her and it’s starting to freak me out. She’s responding like I’m not even here. I try to pull her arm away from her eyes so she’ll look at me, but she starts slapping my hand away, crying hysterically.
“Dammit, Sky!” I yell, frantic. I pull on her arm again but she’s fighting it. I don’t know what to do or why she won’t snap out of this, so I scoop her up into my arms and pull her against my chest. She’s still counting and crying and I think I might be on the verge of crying, too, because she’s losing it and I have no idea how to help her. I rock her back and forth and brush the hair from her face, trying to get her to snap out of it, but she just continues to cry. I pull the sheet up and wrap it around us, then kiss her on the side of her head. “I’m sorry,” I whisper, at a loss for what to do next.
Her eyes flick open and she looks up at me, her whole being consumed with fear. “I’m sorry, Sky,” I say, still not knowing what went wrong or why she’s terrified of me right now. “I’m so sorry.”
I continue to rock her, still not understanding what’s causing her reaction, but I’ve never seen eyes so terrified before and I have no f*cking clue how to calm her down.
“What happened?” she cries, still looking at me with eyes full of fear.
She completely checked out and she doesn’t even remember doing it?
“I don’t know,” I tell her, shaking my head. “You just started counting and crying and shaking and I kept trying to get you to stop, Sky. You wouldn’t stop. You were terrified. What did I do? Tell me, because I’m so sorry. I am so, so sorry. What the f*ck did I do?”
She shakes her head, unable to answer me. It kills me that I don’t know if I did something wrong to force her so far into her own head that she lost her grasp on reality.
I squeeze my eyes shut and press my forehead to hers. “I’m so sorry. I never should have let it go that far. I don’t know what the hell just happened, but you’re not ready yet, okay?”
She nods, still holding on to me tightly. “So we didn’t . . . we didn’t have sex?” she asks timidly.
My heart sinks because I realize with those words that no matter what I try to do to protect her, there’s something tearing her apart. She completely checked out like I’ve never experienced before and there was nothing in my power I could do to stop it. I bring my hands to her cheeks. “Where’d you go, Sky?”
She looks at me confused and shakes her head. “I’m right here. I’m listening.”
“No, I mean earlier. Where’d you go? You weren’t here with me because no, nothing happened. I could see on your face that something was wrong, so I didn’t do it. But now you need to think long and hard about where you were inside that head of yours, because you were panicked. You were hysterical and I need to know what it was that took you there so I can make sure you never go back.”
I squeeze her tight, then kiss her on the forehead. I know she probably needs to regain her bearings right now, so I stand up and pull on my jeans and T-shirt, then help her back into her dress. “I’ll go get you some water. I’ll be right back.” I lean forward, not sure if she even wants me near her right now, but I kiss her on the lips to reassure her.
I walk out of my room and head straight down to the kitchen. As soon as my elbows meet the countertop, I bury my face in my arms and muster up every ounce of willpower in me to stop myself from breaking down. I inhale several deep breaths, exhaling even bigger ones, hoping I can stay strong for her. But seeing her that helpless and knowing there was nothing I could do to help her?
It’s the most disappointed in myself I’ve ever been.
Chapter Thirty-eight
I’m still leaning on the counter with my head in my hands when I hear a door close upstairs. I’ve been down here for several minutes now and I don’t want her to think I’m trying to avoid her, so I head back upstairs. I check the bedroom and bathroom, but she’s not in either. I look at Les’s bedroom door and pause before reaching down and turning the knob.
She’s sitting on Les’s bed, holding a picture. “What are you doing?” I ask her. I don’t know why she’s in here. I don’t want to be in here and I want her to come back to my room with me.
“I was looking for the bathroom,” she says quietly. “I’m sorry. I just needed a second.”
I nod, since I apparently needed a second, too. I look around the room. I haven’t set foot in here since the day I found the notebook. Her jeans are still in the middle of the floor, right where she left them.
“Has no one been in here? Since she . . .”
“No,” I say, not wanting to hear her finish that sentence. “What would be the point of it? She’s gone.”
She nods, then places the picture back down on the nightstand. “Was she dating him?”
Her question throws me for a second, then I realize she must have seen a picture of Les and Grayson together. I never told her they dated. I should have told her.
I step into the bedroom for the first time in over a year. I walk to the bed and take a seat next to her. I slowly scan the room, wondering why my mom and I thought it would be a better idea to just close the door after she died, rather than get rid of her things. I guess neither of us is ready to let her go just yet.
I glance at Sky and she’s still looking at the picture frame on Les’s nightstand. I wrap my arm around her shoulders and pull her to me. She brings a hand to my chest and clenches my shirt in her fist.
“He broke up with her the night before she did it,” I say, giving her an explanation. I don’t really want to talk about it, but the only other thing left to talk about is what just happened in my bed and I know Sky more than likely needs a little more time before we bring that up.
“Do you think he’s the reason why she did it? Is that why you hate him so much?”
I shake my head. “I hated him before he broke up with her. He put her through a lot of shit, Sky. And no, I don’t think he’s why she did it. I think maybe it was the deciding factor in a decision she had wanted to make for a long time. She had issues way before Grayson ever came into the picture. So no, I don’t blame him. I never have.” I grab her hand and stand up, because I honestly don’t want to talk about it. I thought I could, but I can’t. “Come on. I don’t want to be in here anymore.”
I take her hand and she stands up, then we walk toward the door. She yanks her hand free once I reach the door, so I turn around. She’s staring at a picture of me and Les when we were kids.
She’s smiling at the picture, but my pulse immediately quickens when I realize that she’s seeing me and Les as children. She’s seeing us in the exact way she used to know us. I don’t want her to remember. If she were to have even the slightest recollection right now, she might start asking questions. The last thing she needs after the breakdown she just had is to find out the truth.
She squeezes her eyes shut for a few seconds and the look on her face kicks my pulse up a notch. “You okay?” I ask, attempting to pull the picture out of her hands. She immediately snatches it back and looks up at me.
It’s the first sign of recognition I’ve seen on her face and it feels like my entire body is wilting.
I manage to take a step toward her, but she immediately takes a step back. She keeps looking at the picture, then back up to me and I just want to grab the frame and throw it across the f*cking room and pull her out of here, but I have a feeling it’s too late.
Her hand goes up to her mouth and she chokes back a sob. She looks up at me like she wants to say something, but she can’t speak.
“Sky, no,” I whisper.
“How?” she says achingly, looking back down at the picture. “There’s a swing set. And a well. And . . . your cat. It got stuck in the well. Holder, I know that living room. The living room is green and the kitchen had a countertop that was way too tall for us and . . . your mother. Your mother’s name is Beth.” Her rush of words come to a pause and she darts her eyes back up to mine. “Holder?” she says, sucking in a breath. “Is Beth your mother’s name?”
Not tonight, not tonight. God, she doesn’t need this tonight. “Sky . . .”
She looks at me, heartbroken. She rushes past me and across the hall, into the bathroom, where she slams the door behind her. I follow after her and try to open the door but she’s locked it.
“Sky, open the door. Please.”
Nothing. She doesn’t open the door and she says nothing.
“Baby, please. We need to talk and I can’t do it from out here. Please, open the door.”
Another moment passes without her opening the door. I grip the edges of the doorframe and wait. It’s too late to backtrack now. All I can do is wait until she’s ready to hear the truth.
The door swings open and she’s looking at me, her eyes full of anger now rather than fear.
“Who’s Hope?” she says, barely above a whisper.
How do I say it? How do I tell her the answer to that question, because as soon as I do I know I’ll have to watch as her entire world collapses around her.
“Who the hell is Hope?” she says, much louder this time.
I can’t. I can’t tell her. She’ll hate me and that would destroy me.
Her eyes fill with tears. “Is it me?” she asks, her voice barely audible. “Holder . . . am I Hope?”
A rush of breath escapes my lungs and I can feel the tears following. I look up to the ceiling to try to hold them back. I close my eyes and press my forehead against my arm, inhaling the breath that will encase the voice that will release the one word that will destroy her again.
“Yes.”
Her eyes grow wide and she just stands there, slowly shaking her head. I can’t even imagine what must be going through her head right now.
She suddenly shoves past me, out into the hallway. “Sky, wait,” I yell as she descends the steps two at a time. I rush after her, trying to catch her before she leaves. As soon as she hits the bottom step, she collapses to the floor.
“Sky!” I drop to my knees and take her in my arms, but she’s pushing against me. I can’t let her run. She needs to know the rest of the truth before she leaves here.
“Outside,” she breathes. “I just need outside. Please, Holder.”
I know how it feels to need air this badly. I release my hold and look her in the eyes. “Don’t run, Sky. Go outside, but please don’t leave. We need to talk.”
She nods and I help her stand up. She walks outside and into the front yard where she tilts her head back and stares up at the stars.
Up at the sky.
I watch her the whole time, wanting nothing more than to hold her. But I know that’s the last thing she wants right now. She knows I’ve been lying to her and she has every right to hate me.
After a while, she finally turns and heads back inside. She brushes past me without making eye contact and she walks straight into the kitchen. She takes a bottle of water out of the fridge and opens it, downing several gulps before finally making eye contact with me.
“Take me home.”
I’ll get her out of the house, but I’m not taking her home.
We’re at the airport now. I couldn’t think of anywhere else quiet enough to take her and I refused to take her home until she asked me everything she needs to ask me. The only thing she asked me with any sincerity on the way here was why I got my tattoo. I told her the same thing I told her last time she asked me about it; only this time I think she actually understood.
“Are you ready for answers?” I ask her. We’ve been silently watching the stars for several minutes now. I’m just trying to give her a chance to calm down. To clear her head.
“I’m ready if you’re actually planning on being honest this time,” she says, anger lacing her voice.
I turn to face her and the hurt in her eyes is as prominent as the stars in the sky. I lift up onto my elbow and look down at her.
Just a while ago I was looking down at her this same way, memorizing everything about her. When we were in that moment on my bed I was looking at her with so much hope. I felt like she was mine and I was hers and that moment and feeling would last forever. But now, looking down at her . . . I feel like it’s all about to end.
I lower my hand to her face and touch her. “I need to kiss you.”
She shakes her head. “No,” she says resolutely.
I feel like tonight is the end of us and if she doesn’t let me kiss her one more time it’ll kill me. “I need to kiss you,” I say again. “Please, Sky. I’m scared that after I tell you what I’m about to tell you . . . I’ll never get to kiss you again.” I grasp her face harder and pull her closer. “Please.”
Her eyes are desperately searching mine, possibly to see if there’s any shred of truth behind my words. She doesn’t say anything. She just barely nods, but it’s enough. I lower my head and press my lips firmly against hers. She grasps my forearm with her hand and parts her lips, allowing me to kiss her more intimately.
We continue to kiss for several minutes, because I don’t know that either of us wants to face the truth just yet. I lift up onto my knees without breaking away from her and I climb on top of her. She runs her hand through my hair and to the back of my head, where she pulls against me, urging me closer.
She begins to clench my shirt with her fists as a cry breaks free from her throat. I move my lips to her cheek and kiss her softly, then lower my mouth to her ear. “I’m so sorry,” I whisper, holding on to her with my free hand. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t want you to know.”
She pushes me off her, then sits up. She pulls her knees to her chest and buries her face in them.
“I just want you to talk, Holder. I asked you everything I could ever ask you on the way here. I need you to answer me now so I can just go home,” she says, sounding tired and exhausted. I stroke her hair and give her the answers she needs.
“I wasn’t sure if you were Hope the first time I saw you. I was so used to seeing her in every single stranger our age, I had given up trying to find her a few years ago. But when I saw you at the store and looked into your eyes . . . I had a feeling you really were her. When you showed me your ID and I realized you weren’t, I felt ridiculous. It was like the wake-up call I needed to finally just let the memory of her go.
“We lived next door to you and your dad for a year. You and me and Les . . . we were all best friends. It’s so hard to remember faces from that long ago, though. I thought you were Hope, but I also thought that if you really were her, I wouldn’t be doubting it. I thought if I ever saw her again, I’d know for sure.
“When I left the grocery store that day, I immediately looked up the name you gave me online. I couldn’t find anything about you, not even on Facebook. I searched for an hour straight and became so frustrated that I went for a run to cool down. When I rounded the corner and saw you standing in front of my house, I couldn’t breathe. You were just standing there, worn out and exhausted from running and . . . Jesus, Sky. You were so beautiful. I still wasn’t sure if you were Hope or not, but at that point it wasn’t even going through my mind. I didn’t care who you were; I just needed to know you.
“After spending time with you that week, I couldn’t stop myself from going to your house that Friday night. I didn’t show up with the intention of digging up your past or even in the hope that something would happen between us. I went to your house because I wanted you to know the real me, not the me you had heard about from everyone else. After spending more time with you that night, I couldn’t think of anything else besides figuring out how I could spend more time with you. I had never met anyone who got me the way you did. I still wondered if it was possible . . . if you were her. I was especially curious after you told me you were adopted, but again, I thought maybe it was a coincidence.
“But then when I saw the bracelet . . .”
I need her to look me in the eyes for this, so I lift her chin and make her look at me.
“My heart broke, Sky. I didn’t want you to be her. I wanted you to tell me you got the bracelet from your friend or that you found it or you bought it. After all the years I spent searching for you in every single face I ever looked at, I finally found you . . . and I was devastated.” As soon as I say the word, I regret it. Because I know that isn’t true. I was upset. I was overwhelmed. But I didn’t even know the meaning of devastated. I sigh and finish my confession. “I didn’t want you to be Hope. I just wanted you to be you.”
She shakes her head. “But why didn’t you just tell me? How hard would it have been to admit that we used to know each other? I don’t understand why you’ve been lying about it.”
God, this is so hard.
“What do you remember about your adoption?”
“Not a lot,” she says, shaking her head. “I know I was in foster care after my father gave me up. I know Karen adopted me and we moved here from out of state when I was five. Other than that and a few odd memories, I don’t know anything.”
She’s not getting it. That’s not what she remembers at all. It’s what she’s been told. I move from my position beside her and sit directly in front of her, facing her. I grab her by the shoulders. “That’s all stuff Karen told you. I want to know what you remember. What do you remember, Sky?”
She breaks eye contact with me, trying to think. When she comes up empty, she looks back up at me. “Nothing. The earliest memories I have are with Karen. The only thing I remember from before Karen was getting the bracelet, but that’s only because I still have it and the memory stuck with me. I wasn’t even sure who gave it to me.”
I lower my lips to her forehead and kiss her, knowing the next words that come out of my mouth will be the words I know she doesn’t want to hear. As if she can see how much this is hurting me, she wraps her arms around my neck and climbs onto my lap, holding me tightly. I wrap my arms around her, not quite understanding how she can even find it in herself to want to comfort me right now.
“Just say it,” she whispers. “Tell me what you’re wishing you didn’t have to tell me.”
I lower my head to hers, squeezing my eyes shut. She thinks she wants to know the truth, but she doesn’t. If she could feel what it’s about to do to her, she wouldn’t want to know.
“Just tell me, Holder.”
I sigh, then pull away from her. “The day Les gave you that bracelet, you were crying. I remember every single detail like it happened yesterday. You were sitting in your yard against your house. Les and I sat with you for a long time, but you never stopped crying. After she gave you your bracelet she walked back to our house but I couldn’t. I felt bad leaving you there, because I thought you might be mad at your dad again. You were always crying because of him and it made me hate him. I don’t remember anything about the guy, other than I hated his guts for making you feel like you did. I was just a kid, so I never knew what to say to you when you cried. I think that day I said something like, ‘Don’t worry . . .’”’”
“He won’t live forever,” she says, finishing my sentence. “I remember that day. Les giving me the bracelet and you saying he won’t live forever. Those are the two things I’ve remembered all this time. I just didn’t know it was you.”
“Yeah, that’s what I said to you.” I take her face in my hands. “And then I did something I’ve regretted every single day of my life since.”
“Holder,” she says, shaking her head. “You didn’t do anything. You just walked away.”
I nod. “Exactly. I walked to my front yard even though I knew I should have sat back down in the grass beside you. I stood in my front yard and I watched you cry into your arms, when you should have been crying into mine. I just stood there . . . and I watched the car pull up to the curb. I watched the passenger window roll down and I heard someone call your name. I watched you look up at the car and wipe your eyes. You stood up and you dusted off your shorts, then you walked to the car. I watched you climb inside and I knew whatever was happening I shouldn’t have just been standing there. But all I did was watch, when I should have been with you. It never would have happened if I had stayed right there with you.”
She takes a deep breath. “What never would have happened?”
I brush my thumbs over her cheekbones and look at her with as much calmness and reassurance as I can muster, because I know she’s about to need it.
“They took you. Whoever was in that car, they took you from your dad, from me, from Les. You’ve been missing for thirteen years, Hope.”